


Blanket Fort Gospel

by Sabeley



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Bipolar Disorder, Bottom Even Bech Næsheim, Bottom Isak Valtersen, Church Sex, Coming Out, Drunk Isak Valtersen, First Kiss, First Time, Internalized and Externalized Homophobia, Jealous Even Bech Næsheim, Jealous Isak Valtersen, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Recreational Drug Use, Secret Relationship, Semi-Public Sex, Sexting, Slow Burn, Topping from the Bottom, Versatile Evak, discussions of religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-17 21:19:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 58,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11859873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sabeley/pseuds/Sabeley
Summary: Isak Valtersen met the love of his life when he was eleven years old. It was a truth he had long tried to deny, but it was the truth nevertheless.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I took a trope that is generally pretty fluffy and added a shit ton of angst to it. Sorry 'bout that! Just as a general story note, Isak and Even are the same age in this fic. Also, mind the tags if you are at all sensitive to themes of internalized or externalized homophobia as it relates to religion. If there are any questions or concerns, feel free to leave me a message in the comments. 
> 
> Surprisingly, all 60K of this is already written, but the editing is probably going to take me a little longer than usual. Still, updates should come every 3-4 days at the latest. Enjoy!

Isak Valtersen met the love of his life when he was eleven years old. It was a truth he had long tried to deny, but it was the truth nevertheless. 

Irony of all ironies, they met at church. Even’s family had just recently moved to town and when they dropped Even off in Isak’s Sunday School class that morning, it could not be more obvious that he did not want to be there. His back was ramrod straight, his nose was in the air, and his hair was a tangled mop atop his head, like he couldn’t even be bothered to run a brush through it. 

Isak watched him, thoroughly mesmerized, as his parents said their goodbyes. His mom pulled him close and tried to kiss his cheek, but he shimmied out of her grasp and walked farther into the room instead, clearly choosing it as the lesser of two evils. It was as he was scanning the room for an empty chair that blue eyes met green and Isak’s world changed forever. 

He fell right then, without knowing anything about the boy, and he fell hard. It was as if his head had been filled with static his entire life, but suddenly he could hear and see clearly. Their souls were singing to each other like sirens, drawing them in, and Isak was helpless to resist the pull. That was how fast it happened. That was how fast he fell in love. 

There was one empty seat at the table Isak was sitting at and Even approached him without hesitation, settling into the chair across from him and absently grabbing a crayon and a blank sheet of paper from the center of the table. He gave Isak a small smile, the attitude he’d been sporting earlier with his parents now seemingly gone, but said nothing as he began doodling. 

Isak watched him in stunned fascination, wanting to say something, but not knowing what to say. Did he feel the pull Isak felt? Was his heart racing the same way Isak’s was? Surely a feeling this strong couldn’t be contained in only one body—the other boy had to have felt it too—but he just sat there, oblivious, grabbing crayon after crayon and hoarding them at his side. 

Despite the fact that the church didn’t seem to realize they were too old to be playing with crayons, Even seemed overly invested in whatever it was he was trying to draw (Isak couldn’t quite make it out upside down), but after a little while, Isak could no longer pass off his staring as mere curiosity, so he turned back to his half-colored picture of Noah’s Ark and reached for a crayon, only to find that the box was empty. Even’s hoarding had apparently started an epidemic because the other two boys at their table now had a pile of crayons next to them as well and they were throwing furtive looks in Even’s direction every few seconds, like he might actually be the devil himself. 

Isak pouted down at the table, wondering what in the world he was supposed to distract himself with now, when suddenly a sky blue crayon made its way into his field of vision. He looked up to find Even smiling at him, the crayon extended like a peace offering. Hesitantly, Isak reached out and took it. 

“Thanks,” he said, smiling shyly as he felt his cheeks heat up. He watched as Even’s gaze drifted down from his eyes to his lips and then immediately back up. 

“I’m Even, by the way,” he said, scooting the rest of his crayons forward so that they could share. 

“Isak.” Even mouthed the name after him, like he was getting used to the shape of it on his lips. 

“Hey, Isak,” he smiled, but before he could say more, the teacher began the day’s lesson. Isak at least tried to pretend he was listening, but Even didn’t bother, just sat bent over his drawing, shading the colors with an expertise Isak hadn’t even known existed. He still struggled to draw stick figures on a good day. 

It wasn’t long before class was dismissed. Or at least Isak assumed it was because the other kids began filing out, heading towards the sanctuary to find their parents. Isak hastily pushed his chair back and stood, not wanting to keep his mom waiting. She didn’t like it when he did that. He threw one last hesitant look in Even’s direction, wondering if he would ever see him again, and then said a silent prayer that he would. 

“Hold on a second,” Even urged when he caught Isak looking. He was still drawing, the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth as he concentrated, and Isak watched him, wondering what in the world was so important he had to share it with Isak _right now_. “Okay, here,” he finally said, passing the sheet of paper over. Before Isak could even look down at it, Even stood and started walking backwards towards the door with a smug grin on his face. “I’ll see you around?” 

Isak nodded stupidly and then Even slipped around the corner with one last wave. Isak stared at the spot where he disappeared for several long seconds before looking down at the drawing. On one side was the same cartoon version of Noah’s Ark that Isak had been haphazardly coloring earlier, but on the back was a picture of an angel. The angel had golden curls drawn in shades of yellows and oranges and a halo sitting atop his head. It was strangely beautiful even though the colors were too bright for it to seem natural. Isak stared at it all the way to the sanctuary and was still staring at it when he sat down next to his mother. 

“Oh,” she said, noticing the drawing. Isak looked away from it for the first time. “Did you draw that? It’s a very good picture of you, Isak.” 

“Oh, no, I didn’t—It’s not—” But when he looked back down, he could see the similarities: the haunting green eyes, the moles that decorated the angel’s cheeks. He felt his face flush once more. 

He was drawn out of his reverie as his mom ran her hand through his hair, trying to make it lie flat even though they both knew by now that it was a lost cause. “Maybe we’ll sign you up for art classes, hm?” Feeling more lost and confused than he ever had before, Isak nodded. 

* 

Even back then, Marianne Valtersen had a fixation with God that she was determined to share with her son, so Isak ended up at church a lot. It used to be the bane of his existence. He hated wearing stuffy clothes and sitting in quiet rooms, listening to boring people talk about even more boring things. At least he did until he met Even. After that, he found that he didn’t mind so much. 

The two of them became fast friends. Without ever really talking about it, they gravitated towards each other, brought together by nothing more than a distaste for everything around them. They would snicker under their breath each week at Irene Johansen’s choice of handbags—one week it was a monstrous thing with feathers that made her look like she was lugging around a peacock, the next it was a hand-knit eyesore embroidered with cats. During the sermon, they would pass their programs back and forth, drawing sketches for each other and playing games like tic-tac-toe and hangman. And sometimes, when no one was paying them any attention, they would slip out of Sunday School or Children’s Choir or wherever else they were supposed to be, and they would make their own adventures elsewhere, exploring the baptistery and the empty choir lofts, hiding behind shelves in the church library, and stealing candy from the secretary’s desk. They got caught more than once, but after a few months, they started getting better at hiding. 

For the first time ever, Isak was excited to go to church and his relationship with his mom was better for it. He would feel guilty about that later—using religion as a front to mask his friendship with Even—but in the moment, he didn’t care. He never said anything, but he started to think of Even as his soulmate. Not in a romantic way (although the way his heart fluttered whenever he saw the boy suggested that it might be that too), but in a way where he was the one person in the entire world that understood Isak for exactly who he was. He didn’t make fun of him for refusing to kiss Anna Hansen on the playground, and when his eyes sometimes lingered on Even for a bit too long, he didn’t judge him for that either. 

The night before Even’s twelfth birthday was blistering cold and snow was falling so thick that Isak’s mom was the one that suggested they skip her choir practice that night. Isak wasn’t having it and thankfully, Even wasn’t either because when he walked into Children’s Choir, Even was already waiting for him, his cheeks bright red from the biting wind. He had barely gotten his gloves off before Even was dragging him out of the room. 

They ended up in an old storage closet that Isak had never seen before. It was large as far as storage closets go—large enough, at least, to fit four racks of musty old choir robes. Otherwise, the room was pretty sparse. The heat didn’t seem to reach all the way back there, but the lone light bulb hanging from the ceiling worked and they could hear the sounds of the choir singing a few rooms over, which would give them enough warning to make their way back downstairs when the practice was over. 

“Do you feel older?” Isak asked. He had his hand extended into Even’s lap, his arm resting on the boy’s knee as Even drew on his pale skin with a black ink pen. Isak knew his mom was going to be mad, but it was Even’s birthday and he didn’t want to tell him to stop (It had nothing to do with the way Isak’s stomach leapt as Even’s fingers danced across the underside of his arm). 

Even crinkled his nose in distaste and shrugged. “I feel the same.” Then, “It’s weird that I’m going to be twelve and you’re not. I don’t like it.” 

“I’ll be twelve in June,” Isak pointed out. 

“Yeah, but that’s, like, forever away.” 

Isak snorted. “No, it’s not. What does it matter anyway?” 

Even once again shrugged. “I don’t know. I just don’t like it.” He seemed to get tired of the black pen because he switched to a red one. Isak craned his neck to see what exactly he was drawing. 

“I swear to God, if you’re putting a dick on my arm—” 

“I’m not,” Even laughed, moving his arm just enough so that Isak could see what he was doing. There was an intricate pattern traced down the length of him that looked almost like ivy. The pen was bleeding into his skin a bit, making it hard to get the full effect, but Isak was at least satisfied that it wasn’t a dick. He huffed out a breath and Even seemed to take that as permission to continue because he pulled Isak closer until they were almost sitting on top of each other. Isak’s heart started thundering in his chest at the proximity and he knew Even must have felt it with how close they were sitting, but he didn’t say anything. 

After a few minutes, however, Isak’s heartbeat began to slow and it was only then that he noticed Even using the red pen to draw little red hearts all along the vines, like leaves blossoming in the trees. Isak pressed his lips tightly together to hold back a smile. 

“Hearts for Valentine’s Day?” he asked since the holiday was coming up. Even paused his drawing and turned. He seemed startled to find that Isak was sitting so close to him, but he didn’t back away. “The hearts,” he prompted when Even didn’t say anything. 

“Oh,” Even said, looking down at them. “Yeah, Valentine’s Day.” He looked sad for one brief second, but then he was smiling again, turning so that he was facing Isak once more. “You’ll be my valentine?” 

Isak’s eyes widened, but he quickly tried to school his face into something that might pass for nonchalant. Had Even just—? Did he want—? Was this some sort of joke? Isak watched him, searching for some sign that he was just kidding around, but with every second that passed, the boy seemed to wilt a little bit more. Outwardly he seemed calm, stoic, but there was a flush creeping up his neck that told a different story. 

Isak swallowed hard against the emotions rising in his chest and then nodded eagerly, hoping Even might be able to forgive him for literally being speechless. Even’s smile came back in full force. “Yeah?” he asked and Isak nodded again. 

“Yeah. Yes,” he finally choked out. Without warning, Even leaned forward and closed the distance between them, pressing his lips hard against Isak’s. The kiss was over before Isak’s body even had a chance to react to it, but adrenaline was suddenly coursing through his veins and he felt like he was flying in the small room. He was giddy with emotions and he knew that Even was too because the boy looked utterly stupefied by what had happened, his mouth open in surprise, but his eyes shining with possibilities. Isak couldn’t help but laugh and soon, Even couldn’t seem to resist either. Whether he was laughing to get rid of the nerves or laughing at Isak, he wasn’t sure. 

Isak buried his laughter into Even’s shoulder and twisted his hands into the boy’s sweatshirt. Once his laughter subsided, he still didn’t move and Even didn’t push him away. They sat there on the floor, wrapped in each other’s arms, for what felt like hours before Even spoke again. 

“We probably shouldn’t tell anybody about this,” he said. Isak could hear Even’s heart speed up and it sounded ominous, like war drums beating in his ear. He pulled away so that he could look into Even’s blue eyes. “It’ll be our secret. Something just for us.” 

That twinge of sadness was back in his eyes and Isak didn’t like it. It set something loose inside of him and it rattled around his rib cage like a broken piece of glass, tearing up his insides. “Why?” 

Even bit his lip and shrugged helplessly. “I don’t think our parents would like it. And, I mean, if they think we’re more than friends, they won’t let you sleep over at my house anymore.” 

Isak nodded because that did make sense, but there was still a dark storm cloud hanging above them and he wished more than anything that they could rewind to only a few minutes before, when they were wrapped together without a care in the world. “Sorry about your arm, by the way,” Even grimaced, looking down at it. “I think I went a little overboard. Your mom’s not going to thank me for that.” 

“Eh, it’s fine,” Isak said, pulling his sweatshirt down to cover the artwork on his arm. There were a few hearts that crept down onto the back of his hand, but other than that, everything else was hidden. “It’s winter. She’ll never notice.” 

And she never did. The hearts stayed on his skin through Valentine’s Day, but after that, they faded away. 

* 

If Isak thought that night in the storage closet was going to be the start of some epic romance, he was wrong. They were still young, under constant supervision, and their time together at the church, which had once been a dream come true, was turning into a nightmare. 

At first, they would sneak touches when they could—playing with each other’s fingers beneath the table in their Sunday School classroom, or greeting each other with hugs that lasted a bit too long—but as Isak got older and actually started to listen to the words read from the Bible about sin and homosexuality, a dark pit settled in his stomach. He would go weeks feeling ill, wondering if that one kiss he’d shared with Even was enough to send him to hell, but just as quickly as those feelings would come, he would see Even again and decide that he didn’t care. 

He asked Even about it one day as they were swinging on the playground at the church. He was pretty sure they weren’t supposed to be there since the gate was padlocked shut, but the chain-link fence was easy to scale and no one had said anything to them yet. 

“Do you think it’s wrong?” he asked, staring at where the sun was slowly starting to disappear below the horizon. He felt Even turn to look at him, but he didn’t have the courage to look back. 

“Do I think what’s wrong?” 

Isak swallowed his fear and dragged his feet against the ground to stop his swing. Next to him, Even did the same. Soon, they were both sitting still, facing each other as they pushed the swings lightly with their feet. “The way I feel about you,” Isak finally admitted and he heard Even’s breath catch in his throat. 

“No,” he said immediately, shaking his head back and forth frantically, like he was scared Isak wouldn’t understand him clearly enough. “No, Isak, I don’t think it’s wrong.” 

“But some people do,” he said and it was the first time he’d said it out loud. The first time he’d really thought about how there were people in the world that would hate him simply because of who he had fallen in love with. He wanted to tell those people that it wasn’t a choice. If they had been there, if they felt the pull to Even that Isak felt—Even was as much a part of him as his arms or his lungs. There was no separating them. 

“Some people do,” Even agreed, then he took Isak’s hand in his and started swinging once more, the two of them flying high in the air with only the other to tether them to the ground. 

* 

It wasn’t long after that before Isak’s mom had her first breakdown. He didn’t recognize it for what it was at first because she had always been religious. He didn’t know where the line between pious and too pious was—hadn’t even known it existed until his mother reached it. Isak would watch as she rocked back and forth in her chair in front of the fireplace, Bible open in front of her, quoting scripture with her eyes closed, and it _did_ seem odd, but when he asked about it, she just waved him off. 

“I’m talking to God, son. Here, sit with me. He wants to talk to you too.” She would smile and hold his hand and everything seemed all right for a while, but then she stopped eating. She stopped sleeping. When Isak would try to talk to her, it was like she couldn’t even hear him and when she did speak, it was in riddles and scripture verses. 

Where they used to attend church twice a week, they were now going everyday. Even when events weren’t planned, Marianne Valtersen would be there, kneeling in the sanctuary, and because he was scared of what might happen if he left her alone, Isak kneeled with her, staring up at the crucifix on the wall, wondering what exactly his mom’s god thought of him. 

Even was there the night everything went to hell. 

The two of them were back in their storage closet, sitting close and whispering about the upcoming school year where they would be attending different schools. Although that wasn’t new, this time it twisted something in Isak’s gut. He worried that Even might forget him now that they were older and there were pretty girls around every corner. It would be so easy to just let what they had evaporate into smoke, gone without a trace. Sometimes, even now, Isak would lie awake at night and wonder if that kiss had just been a figment of his imagination—something that he’d dreamed of so often that he actually thought it was real. 

“I miss you,” he found himself saying, even though he hadn’t planned to say anything of the sort. Even stopped speaking mid-sentence and raised his eyebrows in surprise at the interruption. 

“Well, yeah, Isak, I’m going to miss you too, but I’m not actually going anywhere,” he smiled. 

Isak should have let the conversation drop, but now that he’d started talking, he didn’t want to stop. “No,” he corrected, shaking his head. “I miss you _now_.” He watched Even’s face closely for any sign of emotion, but the only thing he saw in his bright blue eyes was confusion. “I don’t know. I just…I want _more_ , Even. I don’t even know what this is, I just know that I don’t want you to start school and fall in love with someone else.” He was talking too fast and the words were slipping out before he had a chance to filter them. And shit. Had he really just said that? “Not that you’re in love with _me_. I just mean, like, in general. I don’t want you dating anyone else because—” _Just stop talking, Isak_. “—because if you date anyone it should be me. If you want.” 

The stunned look on Even’s face had slowly turned amused during Isak’s speech and by the time Isak forced himself to stop talking, Even was full-on smirking. He paused for a second, probably to see if Isak had any other embarrassing secrets he wanted to divulge, and then he leaned in close, giving Isak delicious flashbacks of the last time they’d been together in this place. Isak released his bottom lip from between his teeth and ran his tongue over it, wetting his lips in anticipation of what was coming next. “Was that an offer?” Even asked with a smug grin. 

Isak rolled his eyes because why was Even so ridiculous, oh my God, but before he could respond, there was a blood-curling scream that sounded throughout the church, startling them apart. Even stayed sitting on the floor, but Isak stood, almost tripping over his feet as he did so. “Mamma,” he said and then he was running. 

The sanctuary was full when he arrived and his mother was standing right at the front, screaming at the top of her lungs about sinners and heathens and burning in hell. There was a circle of people around her, trying to calm her down, but it was like she couldn’t even see them. Anyone who got too close, she shoved them away violently, even knocking a few to the ground. Tears were streaming down Isak’s face as he rushed towards her. This was it. This is what he’d been expecting to happen for weeks. 

“Mamma,” he said again, louder this time, as he tried to push though the crowd. As soon as he got to the front, however, someone grabbed him by the shoulder and held him back. 

“Isak, sweetie, stay back,” a familiar voice said. “Let them help your mamma.” He looked up to find Even’s mother holding him tightly. He struggling against her grip, trying desperately to get to his own mom, even though he could already tell it was hopeless, but she did not let him go. 

“Mamma,” he shouted, finally drawing her attention. She spared him a quick glance, but then kept screaming, as if he meant nothing to her. All of the fight left his body and, seeming to sense that he wasn’t going anywhere, Even’s mom let go of him just as Even reached them. 

“Isak, are you alright? What’s going…on?” He trailed off when he spotted Isak’s mother. 

“Even, stay with Isak for me,” his mother said, not bothering to answer his question. “Maybe take him outside?” 

Even nodded and threw his arm around Isak to lead him out of the sanctuary and through the large double doors that would take them outside. Isak shuffled along with him. They sat down on the concrete right outside of the doors and Even didn’t hesitate to pull Isak close and wrap him in an embrace that probably would have been considered inappropriate if Isak hadn’t had tears streaming down his face. He hid them in Even’s shoulder, clutching onto his thin T-shirt like a lifeline. 

“Isak?” he asked after a few minutes, his hands stroking through Isak’s hair like his mother used to when he was young. He’d forgotten how good it felt. “Is she always like that?” 

“No,” Isak choked out, pulling away so that he could look Even in the eyes. The night was already dark, but still Even shone just as bright as any star. “No, she’s fine usually. She’s just been weird the past few weeks.” Even nodded, but his lips were pursed in a way that made it clear he didn’t believe him. “Even, what’s wrong with her?” 

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But they’ll figure it out, okay?” 

Isak swallowed the lump rising in his throat and said the two words he’d been wanting to say for weeks. “I’m scared.” Even frowned and pulled him closer to his side, but didn’t seem to have anything to say to make it better. 

The police showed up a few minutes later and Isak automatically bristled at their presence. “Even,” he said, clutching at his arm like he might actually be able to do something. 

“She’s not in trouble,” he said, cupping Isak’s tear-stained cheeks in his hands. “They just need to make sure she doesn’t hurt anyone. They’re going to get her help.” 

Marianne Valtersen was led out of the church a few minutes later by Even’s mom. She had calmed down now and looked scared, her eyes flitting in every direction like she wasn’t quite sure where she was. Isak stayed back, scared that his presence might set her off again, but when she finally spotted him, she broke out in wracking sobs. 

“Mamma,” he said, running to her and letting her hold him like he was the last solid thing in her world. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” she cried. “I don’t know why I’m here.” 

“I know,” Isak said, trying to soothe her. “I know.” 

A kind police officer tore them apart a minute later, informing Isak that they were taking her to the nearest hospital. Marianne crawled into the backseat at the officer’s request, still looking lost and confused, and as Isak watched the police car drive away, tears still streaming down his mother’s face, he breathed a sigh of relief. And he hated himself for it. 

The doctors ended up putting her on some anti-psychotics and she took them for a while, but then she stopped. Isak spent his nights lying awake, waiting for the screaming to start again. His mother’s obsession with religion continued and it made him sick trying to figure out when it was normal and when it was too much. Eventually, his father suggested that he stop going to church altogether (“It’s not good for you, Isak. It’s not good for you to see her there. You get too preoccupied. You think about it too much.”), and even though it meant seeing Even less often, he latched onto the opportunity eagerly. 

In hindsight, that was probably the best thing his father ever did for him. He got out before he learned to hate himself. 

Even wasn’t as lucky. 

* 

“Truth or Dare?” 

It was almost three months later and Isak and Even were laying on the floor of Even’s room, looking up at the light blue sheet that was stretching from Even’s bed to his desk, creating a blanket fort for them to hide beneath. It was the first time Isak had seen him since that night at the church. They’d talked on the phone, they’d texted, but Isak had severely underestimated the effect Even had on him. He’d gotten used to seeing him all the time and after so long apart, his heart was nearly leaping out of his chest in excitement, like the other piece of his soul was finally reunited with the rest of his body. 

“Don’t you think we’re a bit too old for Truth or Dare?” Isak drawled, turning his head to the side to face Even. 

Even shrugged. He’d started styling his hair differently since Isak had last seen him. It smelled better now, but it looked like it might be stiff if he tried to run his hands through it. His fists had been clenched at his side for the past ten minutes to keep him from doing just that. “Don’t you think we’re a bit too old for blanket forts?” And…well…touché. 

Isak snorted and turned back to look at the sheet above them. It had sunk down since they set it up, the material only a few inches above their faces, and Isak knew it would collapse entirely within the hour. Until then, he could humor Even. 

“Fine,” he grumbled. “Truth.” 

“Lame,” Even said, but he reached out and trailed his fingers lightly over the back of Isak’s hand to let him know he was joking. It took everything in Isak to keep himself from noticeably shivering at the touch. God, it had been too long. “Okay, let’s see…Oh, I know! Have you met any girls at school?” 

The question stung a bit simply because Even should know better than to ask it. The memory of their last night together was ingrained in his memory for a lot of reasons, but their conversation in the storage closet stood out almost as much as the scene with his mother. Had Even forgotten it already? 

“Of course I’ve met girls at school. It’s co-ed,” he snarked. Had Even met someone? Was that why he was asking? 

Even rolled his eyes, but there was a fond smile on his face, like maybe he had actually missed Isak’s sarcasm during their months apart. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” 

Isak thought about how best to answer his question. He considered lying, trying to pretend that he didn’t think about Even every waking hour of his days (and most of his nights too), but he decided to tell him the truth because if anyone would understand, it would be Even. “No, I haven’t met anybody,” he admitted. “Not like that.” He took a deep breath before adding, “I don’t think I like girls like that anyway.” 

Even was quiet next to him for so long that Isak was finally able to muster the courage to turn and make sure he hadn’t accidentally fallen asleep. His chest was rising and falling steadily with each breath, but his eyes were still open. He looked over at Isak and smiled a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Do _you_?” Isak asked, because he had to know. 

Even shrugged casually and whatever emotion had been hiding behind his eyes disappeared. His lips tilted up in a smirk. “You’ll have to wait until your turn to find out.” 

It took Isak way to long to remember that they were playing Truth or Dare. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he snapped and Even laughed so hard that the sheet bobbed up and down with his breath. “Ugh, fine,” he sighed, trying to act frustrated, but he was having a hard time hiding his amusement. “Truth or Dare?” 

Even hummed, like he really had to think about it, and then said, “Dare.” 

Isak rolled his eyes. “Fuck you, asshole.” Even started laughing once more and the little bit of tension that had built up between them faded. This was the Even he was used to. This was the Even he missed. Isak smiled over at him and then laid back and tried to think of a good dare. He knew if he dared Even to do anything outside of the fort, it would all come crashing down, and he wasn’t quite ready to lose the safety of the small world that they had built just yet. 

When the idea came to him, he couldn’t shake it. His heart was thundering like a stampede of wild horses, out of control, but he did his best to school his features and pretend that he wasn’t worried Even would tell him no. Or worse, laugh in his face. “Okay, then,” Isak said, puffing out his chest. “I dare you to kiss me.” 

Even lifted himself up on his elbow, the sheet now touching his side, and stared down at Isak like he wasn’t quite sure he’d heard him correctly. “Scared?” Isak taunted and that, at least, seemed to motivate Even to action. 

He gave Isak the most unimpressed look he had ever seen and then quickly morphed his features into something more soft, something more hypnotizing. Without waiting for permission, he cradled Isak’s head in his hand and leaned down to place a chaste peck on his lips. Isak’s head was spinning from just that, but it wasn’t nearly enough. When Even tried to pull away, Isak stopped him. “No,” he said. “I dare you to _really_ kiss me.” 

Even’s breath caught in his throat, like he hadn’t dared hope that Isak might ask for more. He looked down at him with a shy smile and then slowly pressed his lips against his once more. For several long seconds, Isak just lay there, waiting on something else to happen—half-expecting Even to pull away—but nothing did. So he tried what he’d seen people do in movies and opened his mouth just a bit, causing Even’s lips to slide against his until his bottom lip was encased in the warmth of Even’s mouth. And, oh, okay, wow, this felt a lot better than the first time. 

Isak’s hands, which had been firmly locked at his sides, reached out without direction and tangled themselves into Even’s perfectly styled hair. Isak had been wrong—despite the product, his hair was as soft as ever. He tried to pull him closer, to pull him on top of him, but his hands were shaking from a mixture of nerves and adrenaline. When Even finally got his knee between Isak’s legs and raised himself up to hover over him, the sheet collapsed down around them, finally having had enough, and it tangled them in scratchy fabric. Even pulled back just far enough to laugh into Isak’s kiss, but after a brief reprieve, he dived back in and they stayed there, kissing, wrapped in the safety of a world they had created, not quite ready to seek out reality just yet. 

Isak remembers wishing that they could have stayed there forever. 

* 

Isak had been friends with Jonas for over a year before he introduced him to Even. He wasn’t sure why he waited so long, but he thought it might have something to do with the fact that he couldn’t look at Even without his face lighting up in unadulterated joy. Either that or he would blush uncontrollably. Even was used to it, just like Isak was used to the way Even stood a little closer to him than most people would, but he worried that Jonas would see them together and just _know_ that they had kissed a couple times. Or even worse, that he’d see that Isak was in love with Even and then feel sorry for him because despite the fact that Isak went about his days feeling like his heart might explode with everything he felt for him, the other boy had never given him any indication that he wanted something more than stolen kisses in storage closets and blanket forts. 

They met at a fast food place across town because Isak had read once that dogs are less territorial if they meet on neutral ground and he thought, for some strange reason, that might apply to best friends as well. What he’d forgotten was that Even and Jonas were the two chillest guys he knew. They hit it off right away as they stood in line for food. 

“I feel like I know you already,” Even said, “Isak talks about you so much.” 

Jonas let out an incredulous laugh. “No, dude. There’s no possible way he talks about me more than he talks about you. Just yesterday he was telling me the story about how you two snuck out of church during the service and managed to get locked in the pastor’s office.” 

“Oh my god,” Even groaned, running a hand over his forehead in latent embarrassment. “I’d forgotten all about that.” 

“Repressed it, more like,” Isak added, but the two boys ignored him. 

“He had a jar of candy on his desk and we ate every single piece because we thought we were going to be locked in there forever and I didn’t want to have to resort to cannibalism in a church.” 

“Because otherwise it would have been perfectly acceptable,” Isak noted. 

“My mom grounded me for like a month after that,” Even laughed. “From church! Because she knew not seeing Isak was the worst possible punishment she could dole out.” 

By the time they made it to a table outside in the sun, the two boys were exchanging rapid-fire stories about Isak’s childhood, each more embarrassing than the last. He needn’t have worried about Jonas catching the slight blush Isak sometimes wore around Even because now his face was cherry red. 

“We’re embarrassing him,” Even said after a few minutes. He was sitting next to Isak at the table and moved his knee over to knock Isak’s playfully. When he turned back to Jonas, his knee stayed resting against Isak. 

“Oh, he owes me,” Jonas said fondly. “There was this one time that I was totally hitting it off with a girl in our class and Isak just comes up out of nowhere, oblivious, and starts talking about fucking Pokémon.” Even laughed good-naturedly and looked down at Isak with a smile. Isak, who had accepted his fate by that point, just shook his head in resigned disbelief. 

Even and Jonas joked around between bites of kebab for a few more minutes before Even excused himself to the bathroom, squeezing Isak’s shoulder as he passed behind him. As soon as he was out of sight, Isak rounded on Jonas. 

“I’m going to fucking kill you,” he hissed. 

Jonas laughed loudly. “What? Why? He already knows what an idiot you are. You two have known each other forever.” Which, okay, Isak couldn’t really argue with that logic. He didn’t know how to explain to Jonas that what he’d felt when Isak interrupted him and that girl—that was what Isak felt now. Was it too much to ask for that maybe just once Even could see him as cool and composed instead of as some lame kid who liked to talk about Pokémon? 

“I like him though,” Jonas continued. “You should make him hang out with us more. Can I invite him to the skate park this weekend?” Isak nodded mutely as his stomach flipped with a strange mixture of nerves and excitement. If Jonas liked Even, Isak wouldn’t have to split his time between them anymore. He could see Even every single weekend if he wanted. He lowered his gaze to try to hide the dopey smile he could feel on his lips. “Are you okay?” Jonas chuckled, ducking down to force Isak to look at him. “I don’t have to invite him if—” 

“No,” Isak said immediately. “No, I want him there.” Jonas smirked knowingly and Isak knew that look should worry him, but it just didn’t. 

“Dude,” Jonas snorted, but he didn’t have time to say anything else before Even returned to the table. They finished their meal in companionable silence as Isak tried to ignore the way Even’s arm was draped across the back of his chair. 

* 

The summer before Isak started high school was the best of his life. His mother was taking her meds again, Jonas had an unlimited membership to the city pool, and Even hardly left his side for two whole months. With nothing else to do, they filled the long days with each other. 

Even had developed some weird fascination with cinema after watching _Romeo + Juliet_ with his mom and he would drag Isak all around town, filming him doing everyday things with the camera on his phone. Isak pretended to be exasperated by the attention, but he secretly loved it. Then, when they were finished with that, they would retreat into the safety of one of their bedrooms, their parents none the wiser, and they would fall asleep in each other’s arms. It never went further than that—at least not physically. There were no kisses goodnight, no touching below the waist, but Even would hold his hand and run his fingers through his hair, and while it wasn’t what he ultimately wanted, it was enough. 

Honestly, Isak wasn’t sure what they were doing—what they _were_. They were stuck somewhere between boyfriends and best friends and he lived with this constant ache inside of him that longed for an answer. He needed to know whether to move forward or step back because he couldn’t live in limbo for much longer. As it stood, it was like they were dating without the actual dating part—like Even was purposefully not taking that last step because if he did, he’d have to say it out loud. He’d have to call Isak his boyfriend and let people hear it. Isak always got the feeling that was what he was most scared of, so he just snuggled closer and prayed. 

They were about halfway through their summer break when Jonas dragged them both out to the woods behind his house one night, a backpack full of beer in tow. Isak hadn’t seen as much of him as he would have liked since the poor boy was still dealing with the fallout from the whole Ingrid-Eva debacle, so he followed along willingly. 

They were all well on their way to being drunk when somehow Jonas got on the subject of blowjobs. “She gives the _best_ blowjobs, man. You have no idea.” 

Isak’s eyes widened at the abrupt change in subject and Even laughed from next to him. They were sitting so close that Isak could _feel_ his laugh, not just hear it, and he was suddenly acutely aware of the way Even’s right hand was resting on the inside of his thigh. Why did Jonas have to bring up blowjobs _now_? 

“You don’t have anything to compare it to though,” Isak pointed out. He was blushing like a virgin just thinking about the possibility of blowjobs and he was very grateful that neither of the other boys could see him in the dark. “You were always complaining that Ingrid never went down on you.” 

“It doesn’t matter!” Jonas cried and he seemed so sure that Isak didn’t dare argue with him. “I know it can’t possibility get better than Eva. I want her to give me blowjobs for the rest of my life.” 

“Well, that’s sweet,” Even said, although he sounded a little skeptical. “I think.” 

The leaves were rustling in the trees above them as a gentle breeze blew through the clearing. Isak was trying to focus on that instead of the words his friends were saying. The distraction didn’t last long, however, because soon the wind stopped blowing and Jonas slammed his hand down on the top of an empty beer can, flattening it to the ground and demanding Isak’s attention as he popped open another one. 

“Have you had one?” Jonas asked. Isak thought he was talking to him for a second, but when he looked up, Jonas’s eyes were turned towards Even, who wriggled against Isak’s side like he was suddenly uncomfortable. “A blowjob?” 

Even laughed nervously, like he very much did not want to answer that question. Isak opened his mouth to tell Jonas to drop it, but Even beat him to it. 

“Once,” he said and Isak felt his blood run cold. There were two sides of him battling with Even’s words—the friend and the boyfriend—and both of them were mad as hell. The boyfriend because it had happened at all and the friend because he hadn’t even told him about it. 

“And?” Jonas prompted. Shit, was Isak going to have to sit there and listen to Even describe the blowjob some gorgeous blonde girl had probably given him? A girl that didn’t come with all the baggage Isak did? A girl that he could probably kiss without having to hide in closets? 

“And it didn’t suck,” Even shrugged bashfully. “Or, well…” 

Jonas laughed, but thankfully changed the subject. Isak felt Even’s gaze lingering on him for the next few minutes, but he was feeling too petty to even pretend he wasn’t bothered. When enough time had passed, he slipped out from beneath Even’s touch and went to sit next to Jonas instead under the pretense of getting another beer. He didn’t say another word for the rest of the night. 

It was just after midnight when the three boys started making their way back to Jonas’s place. Isak had sobered up a bit by that point, but Jonas was still tipsy, talking a bit too loudly in his otherwise quiet neighborhood, and stumbling with every other step. 

“I’ll get him inside,” Isak offered, his gaze firmly locked on Jonas, as if Even weren’t even there. “You can go on home. I don’t want to keep you waiting.” He tried to make it sound like he was bummed about it, but honestly he was a bit relieved to have an excuse to get away from him. He needed some time alone. He needed some time to think. 

He didn’t wait for Even to respond before he dragged Jonas into the house, which was probably why he was so taken aback when he walked out the backdoor five minutes later to find Even sitting cross-legged on the concrete, waiting. “What are you doing?” he asked stupidly, looking him in the eye for the first time in hours. It had been dark in the woods, but the streetlights were illuminating Even’s face with a soft orange glow, so Isak could see clearly when he raised his eyebrows in a familiar gesture of disbelief. 

“I’m waiting on you. What does it look like I’m doing?” He stood, brushing some stray dirt off of the seat of his pants, and picked both of their bikes up from where they had been tossed in the driveway and rolled Isak’s over to him. “Come on.” Then, without even checking to make sure Isak would follow him, he jumped on his own bike and started pedaling into the night. 

Isak sighed, long and weary, but followed him nonetheless. He would follow him anywhere. 

He had to pedal hard to catch up with Even and then, because he was a competitive son of a bitch and in a really fucking bad mood, he zipped past, leaving Even behind. 

“Hey!” Even laughed and then they were racing, just like they had when they were children, and it settled something inside of Isak, reminded him of all the reasons he loved Even in the first place. If a friendship was all Even wanted, at least now he knew. 

They slowed their pace as they approached Even’s house, both breathing heavily, but before they could pull into the driveway, Even took a sharp turn. Isak didn’t hesitate before following. It was habit. 

“Where are we going?” he called above the sound of the wind whipping past their faces. 

“You’ll see,” Even said, glancing over his shoulder to smile at him. “Just trust me.” 

They ended up in the woods again, pedaling down a trail that they had worn into the ground as children. Isak now knew where they were going. “Even,” he groaned, but Even didn’t stop until they reached the water. 

There was a lake close to Even’s house that they had spent many a summer day in, using the rope swing to cannonball into the water or just sunbathing on the shore. The memories swallowed him up as the familiar smell of the lake hit him. He could feel the water against his skin, could hear the ghost of Even’s laugh even above the crickets singing their songs into the darkness. He had always been happy here with Even and while he knew that they needed to talk, he wished he had picked somewhere else to do it. This was one place he didn’t want to tarnish with the shame building up in his stomach. 

He just felt so pathetic having waited so long for something that apparently wasn’t going to happen. He’d thought there was something unspoken between them, some understanding that when they were older, when they were braver, they would be together. He couldn’t shake the thought that maybe Even had been messing with him all along, although if that were the case, he really had to admire his dedication to a five-year con. 

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Even’s bike crashing to the ground. “Let’s go swimming.” 

Isak, who was still straddling his own bike, let out a startled laugh, but quickly realized that Even wasn’t joking. “Are you crazy?” he cried. “Even, it’s like one in the morning. We can’t jump in the fucking lake.” 

“Why not?” Even asked. 

“Because we’ll fucking freeze.” 

Even shrugged. “I’m getting in,” he said. “You can stay here if you want.” 

“Even,” Isak sighed, finally climbing off of his bike and tossing it to the ground as well. “Let’s just go back to your house and go to sleep.” Isak really was tired and he didn’t understand how Even could be so full of energy after the night they’d had. It was only after he’d spoken that he realized what he was offering. He shouldn’t _want_ to go back to the Bech Næsheim’s and lie next to Even, pretending that everything was all right. Luckily, Even ignored the offer completely and pulled his T-shirt and jacket over his head instead. 

Isak’s initial shock quickly turned into fascination as the hard lines of Even’s stomach were painted in moonlight. “Fuck,” he muttered because right then, his decision was made for him. Even gave a small yelp of satisfaction as Isak pulled his own shirt off as well. “I swear to god, if I die of pneumonia…” 

“You can totally blame me,” Even offered, completely unaffected by the glare Isak shot him. Isak tried to act unaffected as well, but it wasn’t working out great because every inch of skin Even bared sent a jolt of desire straight to his groin. He knew he should probably stop staring, but he just couldn’t. He watched, entranced, as Even stripped down to his boxers, pale skin shining in the dark like a beacon, and he had just gotten used to the idea of swimming next to an Even who was only wearing his boxer shorts, when he kicked those off as well. 

Isak paused his own disrobing (shoes off, but pants still on) to stare. He knew immediately that he wasn’t being subtle, but Even didn’t seem to mind. They were standing so close that Isak could feel the warmth from Even’s naked body radiating over to him, but the boy seemed unabashed. Isak blinked stupidly at him a few times before letting his eyes wander. 

Even was beautiful—there was no other word for it—and in the moonlight he almost looked like a statue, his muscles somehow more defined in the shadows. He looked like a work of art, like Michelangelo’s _David_ , and Isak’s breath caught in his throat as he took him in. Even just stood there, shuffling a bit under his gaze, but making no moves to cover himself. 

When Isak finally looked down at Even’s cock, he was surprised to find that he was hard too. Isak swallowed audibly and looked back into Even’s eyes, only to find him smirking in satisfaction. Then, without warning, he took off running and jumped into the water with a joyous shout. 

All of Isak’s blood was pooling in his groin and something inside of him was _screaming_ that this was a bad idea, but he couldn’t think straight with Even naked only a few feet away from him. He watched the water for several long seconds before Even crashed through the surface, gasping for air. 

“Are you coming?” he cried, splashing water towards Isak, but he was too far away to hit him. Isak took a deep breath and began unbuttoning his pants. Even wolf-whistled as he shimmied out of them and Isak felt his chest flush under the attention, but he didn’t hesitate long enough to let himself get nervous. Instead, he followed Even’s lead and took a running jump into the water. 

The sting from the cold took his breath away and it was painful for a second, like how an ice cube would burn if you held it in your hand for too long, but when he finally kicked his way to the surface, choking back the taste of the brackish water, it felt like a baptism of sorts—like his soul knew things were about to change before even he did. 

Isak opened his eyes, sputtering out the water he had accidentally swallowed, and was surprised to find that Even was right there, so close that their legs were hitting each other as they both tried to stay afloat. 

“I can’t believe you actually did that!” Even smiled. 

“You told me to!” Isak argued, like that was a perfectly reasonable explanation. He tried to sound mad, but he was too distracted by the drops of water hanging off of Even’s eyelashes to put much effort into it. God, did he even _know_ what he was doing to him? 

They had managed to swim closer somehow—so close that Isak could feel Even’s erratic breathing against his lips—and he was so sure in that moment that Even was going to kiss him, that when he got hit with a face full of water instead, he forgot how to breath. He coughed out the liquid for the second time that night as Even’s bright laugh filled the air. And, yeah, it was fucking on. 

He splashed Even back, stopping his laughter abruptly, and then the two of them were yelling and screaming and splashing each other with so much gusto that they actually started to build up a current in the stagnant water. Isak knew they were being loud, knew that people were probably trying to sleep, but when he was with Even, nothing else mattered. 

At one point, Even swam below the surface of the water. Isak assumed he was just trying to escape his relentless splash attack, but another second passed, and then another, and he still didn’t come back up for air. Isak had just started to worry that something had actually gone wrong when he felt a sharp tug on his foot, pulling him farther down into the water, like he was that chick in the opening scene of _Jaws_ or something. 

“The fuck?” he screamed, jerking his foot away only to have Even grab more tightly to his ankle and drag him under completely. The water once again took him by surprise and when he opened his eyes, all he saw was Even’s pale skin shining against the endless black depth of the water. He couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of what they were doing—the childishness of it—and air bubbles escaped from his mouth and floated to the surface. Isak followed them and broke through the water just as Even did, both of them gasping and panting and laughing. 

Isak tried to lunge at Even, to take him unaware and drag him under like Even had done to him, but he was too quick. He half ran, half swam closer to the shore where the water was more shallow. “Ah, get away from me!” he cried, but Isak wasn’t going to give up. After almost a whole minute of struggling, he managed to jump onto Even’s back and bring him down, but he had forgotten that if Even went down, he did too, and they sank to the bottom of the lake, tangled together in a pile of gangly limbs, both trying to establish some dominance over the other—both trying to win. 

Their wrestling reminded Isak of how they would play as children—back when there was nothing sexual about their relationship, when they could touch skin-on-skin and it wouldn’t hold some deeper meaning. He thought for a second that might be why Even had dragged him out there in the first place—to remind him that no matter what happened, they still had this, they still had this friendship—but when the two of them finally crashed back through the surface of the water, the slick glide of their bare skin touching _everywhere,_ there was nothing platonic about the hungry look in Even’s eyes. 

Before Isak had really even gotten his breath back, Even wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him in a way that he had never kissed him before. The kiss was desperate, pleading, like he was inviting Isak to look into his soul and judge the darkest parts of him. He held him tight, like he was scared that if he let go, Isak might disappear forever, and Isak couldn’t help but grind against his leg under the water. His cock, which had been frozen into submission earlier, was making a valiant effort to get hard again, and he was actually thankful to the cold water for once because otherwise he would have come already. 

The kiss raged like wildfire, burning Isak up from the inside out, for what felt like hours before Even finally pulled away just far enough to catch his breath. Isak licked his lips, chasing the taste of water and stale beer that Even had left behind. They were breathing in time, their chests knocking against each other with every exhale, and all Isak wanted to do was dive back in, to taste more, to have more of Even while he was willing to give it, because he just knew this feeling was about to be ripped away. It always was. Even never entertained the thought of them for long. 

“I lied,” Even said, choking out the words like they had been forced from his mouth unwillingly. They were in the shallow water now, both boys resting in the sand on their knees, and Isak was glad for that because Even look so distraught, he wasn’t sure he would have been able to keep himself afloat otherwise. 

“What?” Isak asked. His brain still hadn’t come completely back online after that kiss. 

“I lied,” Even repeated desperately, reaching out to brush a sopping wet strand of hair out of Isak’s eyes. “About the blowjob. I haven’t done anything with anyone else, Isak. There’s never been anyone but you. I don’t want there to ever _be_ anyone but you.” 

Isak’s head was spinning and he wasn’t sure if it was caused more by the words Even was saying or the fact that he could still feel his lips on his. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. “Then why—?” 

“I thought that maybe if you thought I was hooking up with someone else, you could move on.” His voice cracked on the last word, like the very thought of Isak moving on _pained_ him. “I can’t give you the things you want, Isak. I can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m too broken—they broke me.” 

Isak huffed out a bitter laugh and took Even’s face in his hands, cradling it gently in his palms. “Like I could ever get over you,” he said and the words split his heart open because he knew they were true. No matter what happened between them, whether things worked out or they didn’t, he would spend the rest of his life in love with Even Bech Næsheim, for better or worse. 

Their lips found each other again, like a compass finding true north, and between kisses, they somehow dragged themselves out of the water and onto the sand at the shoreline. They were coated in it immediately, the sand the only thing cloaking them from the chill in the air, but Isak couldn’t be bothered with how dirty he was or how cold he was. All that mattered was Even, lying on the ground in front of him, his body on display like a masterpiece. 

“Do you want one?” Isak said between kisses. Even rolled his hips up against Isak and started kissing his cheeks, looking way too gone to be paying attention to anything Isak said. “Even,” he snapped, pleased when Even’s glazed eyes finally found his. “Do you want a blowjob?” 

Even didn’t answer, but his wide, hopeful eyes made the answer obvious. _Finally_ , Isak thought. _He’s the one that’s_ _speechless._

Isak wasn’t sure where his newfound bravery came from, but he slowly kissed down Even’s trembling body, trying to soothe him as much as he could, but he knew it was a lost cause. He was trembling as well, his body going haywire at the feel of Even finally being pressed against him. They’d waited too long for this. 

When he took Even in his mouth, the boy let out a broken moan and tangled his fingers into Isak’s hair, not pulling, exactly, but holding him close, like he had to touch him to convince himself it was real. 

Looking back, Isak could definitively say it was the worst blowjob he’d ever given. He didn’t know what he was doing—just tried to imitate what he’d seen in porn—but it didn’t seem to matter to Even that it was sloppy and unpracticed. He opened his legs wider to let Isak get closer and as Isak bobbed on top of him, trying to take more of him in his mouth, Even kept trying to thrust upwards, chasing the feeling. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he said on one particularly hard thrust that left Isak gagging. He threw his hands over his eyes, like he was embarrassed. “Shit, I’m sorry. That feels really fucking good.” 

Isak wanted to say something smug because he was feeling particularly confident with Even squirming beneath him, begging for more, but he had a mouthful of cock and didn’t think Even would appreciate the sarcasm when he was so close to coming. What he did do was swat at Even’s arms until he lowered them, looking confused. 

“I want to see you,” he said, pulling off just enough to speak before diving back in, sucking on the head of Even’s cock as he stared up into his blue eyes. It was less than a minute later before he was shaking through his orgasm, spurting hot liquid onto Isak’s tongue. Even though he’d been expecting it, it still managed to take him by surprise, and he ended up with more on his face than in his mouth. 

He was embarrassed for all of two seconds before Even sat up and began licking away his mess, pulling Isak into another frantic kiss. Isak licked into Even’s mouth, wanting him to taste himself on his tongue, and Even seemed to enjoy it because he quickly began searching for more. 

He pulled Isak onto his lap so that he was straddling him and then wrapped his hand around his cock and began jerking him off almost too slowly as he whispered a steady stream of nothings into his ear. “Yeah, baby, that’s right. I’ve got you. God, you’re so beautiful, Isak, so perfect. I love you so much. I’m going to take such good care of you.” Isak buried his head in the crook of Even’s neck and held on tight. 

He couldn’t remember ever being that hard in his life and he came much faster than even Even had. He wasn’t sure if it was normal to get that turned on by giving someone else a blowjob, but what the fuck ever. It felt great. He collapsed against Even’s chest completely spent, and he lowered them both back to the ground where they lay on top of each other, their hearts still racing as they tried to catch their breath. 

After a few minutes, the chill from the air began seeping back into Isak’s bones, but he just snuggled closer to Even, trying to enjoy the afterglow for a little while longer. As Isak’s heart steadied, however, he heard Even’s continue to gallop forward under his ear and he just knew a ‘but’ was coming. 

Sure enough: “Isak,” Even whispered, his soft voice sounding as sharp as a sentencing gavel between then. “I want you—I want this— _so_ badly. I lay awake at night and all I can think about is you. I go to sleep and all I dream about is you. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think about is you. You’re my world, you’re my life, you’re my everything.” Isak nuzzled closer to him. _But?_ “But,” Even continued, “they can’t know about this. They’ll try to tear us apart. They won’t let us be together. They won’t understand.” 

Isak wasn’t sure what “they” Even was referring. Isak’s parents? _His_ parents? Isak would never say it to Even, but he’d always gotten the impression that their parents knew—or at least suspected—that there was more between them than just friendship. The way their moms would whisper and giggle when they walked into the room sometimes, the way his dad called Even “son” with so much affection it warmed Isak’s whole body. No, this was bigger than that. It was like Even was talking about the whole world. _They won’t let us be together. They won’t understand_. 

“Then we won’t tell them,” Isak decided. “It’s none of their damn business anyway.” 

“Isak,” Even sighed. “I’m not going to make you do that. You want to be out. I know you do. I’m just—I’m not brave like you.” 

“You’re not making me do anything,” Isak snapped, resting his arms on Even’s chest so he could look down at him. “Look, I want to be with you. And if me and you are the only people who know it, then that’s fine with me. I’ll take what I can get. We’ll just take it one day at a time—hell, one _minute_ at a time. We can make this work.” 

“Yeah?” Even asked and he sounded so hopeful that it broke Isak’s heart. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

“And what are we going to do in this minute?” 

Isak chuckled. “In this minute, we’re going to get dressed and you are going to take me back to your bed and kiss me like you fucking mean it.” 

“Am I?” Even laughed, but he didn’t argue with Isak’s plan and they stayed up all night, kissing until their lips were sore, because Isak was scared that if he stopped, he might not ever get another chance. 

* 

They spent the rest of the summer in each other’s arms and Isak’s heart was so full he thought it would burst. He had never known love, never known happiness, until he knew what it felt like to be held with so much devotion that it took his breath away. 

Despite the rules and the secrecy, Isak never once doubted that Even loved him. How could he when he was so openly affectionate? But there were some things Even did that twisted Isak’s stomach into knots—and not in a good way. Isak was very careful about not touching Even around other people, but Even wasn’t great with the whole self-control thing. One minute, he would have his arm wrapped around Isak’s shoulder, talking to his parents, and then the next, he would be gone, standing all the way across the room, his fists clenched tightly at his sides like he had forgotten for a minute that Isak was something he wasn’t supposed to have. Even when it was just the two of them, he would turn away from kisses sometimes, out of habit. Sundays were especially bad. Even would come home from church in a foul mood and avoid touching Isak for hours, no matter how hard he tried to calm him down. 

Still, the good outweighed the bad. 

What Isak _had_ underestimated was just how hard it was going to be to keep his mouth shut. He didn’t know that being in love was something he’d want to share with other people. He wanted to tell his friends and his parents. He wanted to show Even off and take him on double dates. He wanted to hold his hand in public and call him “baby.” He wanted a lot of things that Even wasn’t ready to give him, but he wanted Even more. 

Jonas, however, was more astute than Isak had ever given him credit for. Even though he was wrapped up in his own affections with Eva, he quickly realized that Isak was smiling more. That he and Even sat so close when it was just the three of them, it was like they were one person. That sometimes Even would hold his hand when he got tipsy or kiss him on the cheek like he had done it a hundred times before. Thankfully, he never said anything in front of Even, just watched them with a fond smile on his face. 

“So what’s going on with the two of you?” he finally asked after almost a month. The three of them had spent a few hours at the skate park alone, but after a little while, Isak and Even had gotten bored and sat together on an empty bench, leaning close to whisper to each other as Even alternated between playing with Isak’s fingers and playing with his hair. When he said goodbye, he waved at Jonas and gave Isak a kiss on the forehead. 

“I’ll see you tonight,” he murmured and Isak had just nodded happily. 

“Nothing,” Isak shrugged, but he was smiling so widely, he knew Jonas knew he was lying. Jonas squinted his eyes doubtfully and an exuberant laugh bubbled out of Isak’s chest because he was just so damn happy all the fucking time and he couldn’t help it. 

“Just tell me this,” Jonas said. “Have you or have you not experienced the great joy that is blowjobs?” 

“Oh my god,” Isak groaned, blushing furiously and ducking his head into his hands. 

Jonas smiled knowingly. “Dude,” he cried, holding his fist up for a fist bump. 

“Dude,” Isak agreed, knocking their hands together. 

They never talked about it again—Jonas seemed to sense that Isak either didn’t want to or couldn’t, and he didn’t press the subject—but it was nice having someone around who _knew_. It made him feel less like what they were doing was some dirty little secret relegated only to dark nights and empty houses. 

So, yes, it was hard keeping the secret and it wasn’t something Isak was particularly fond of doing, but it was what Even wanted and Isak knew that relationships required sacrifices. 

He was happier than he could ever remember being. 

So of course that’s when everything fell apart. 

It was a couple months into the new school year when his mom’s mind started to drift. She had done so well for so long and Isak thought she was taking her meds, but maybe she wasn’t because the next thing he knew, she was muttering under her breath about sacrifices and witchcraft and sin—always sin. Isak made her an appointment with her doctor, but she refused to go and his father refused to take her. “I’m done paying for this shit, Isak. If she doesn’t want help, we can’t be the ones to help her.” So he just lay awake in bed at night, texting Even into the early hours of the morning, waiting on the fallout. He didn’t have to wait long. 

Less than a week after it started, he got home from school, already drained from the day he had had, to find the house ransacked. There were plates lying broken on the ground and clothes strewn everywhere. He followed the path of them back to his parents’ bedroom where the closet was half empty and his father’s drawers had been scraped clean. He was already shaking in terror, fearing the worst, when he finally spotted his mother, curled into a ball on the bed. 

“Mamma,” he said, running to her. He collapsed on his knees beside the bed, looking deep into her green eyes that were so like his, but it was as if she couldn’t see him. Her eyes never focused on him. She was looking beyond him to something only she could see. Something that wasn’t actually there. 

“He’s coming,” she said. “He’s coming and he’s going to burn them all. All the sinners: the sexually immoral, the impure, the covetous…” And she kept going, condemning the thieves, the drunkards, the idolaters, and Isak couldn’t take it anymore. He stumbled away from her bedside, tripping over one of his father’s shoes that had been dropped into the corner, and then he ran. 

He ran all the way across town until he reached Even’s and then he banged on the door, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. 

“Isak,” Even said, his smile faltering as he got a good look at him. “What’s wrong?” 

Isak was crying too hard to speak, so Even dragged him into the house and cradled him on the sofa as he sobbed, being ever so patient as Isak choked out the story in bits and pieces. How his mom was crazy and his dad was gone and he didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to do. 

“I just left her,” he sobbed. “God, I’ve got to go back. I’ve got to do something!” 

“Shh, shh,” Even soothed. “Isak, your mom’s fine. She’s done this before.” 

“She could hurt herself—” 

“If she can hurt herself, then she can hurt _you_. You’re not going back there.” His words sounded harsh, but they were the truth. Isak rarely worried about himself—he was always worrying about other people—but sometimes when his mom had one of her episodes, he did wonder. She would hit and punch and throw things and he didn’t think that the fact that he was her son would stop her once she got going. “What was she doing when you left?” Even asked kindly, like he was trying to make up for his outburst. 

Isak swallowed back the lump in his throat. “She was just laying in bed.” 

“Then she’s okay. You’re sixteen, Isak. This isn’t for you to figure out.” 

They curled up together on the sofa as Isak dried his eyes and when the tears finally stopped, he realized just how quiet it was. “Where are your parents?” 

“Gone,” Even chuckled. “Some work thing for my mom. They won’t be back until tomorrow. I was just about to call you when you showed up.” 

Isak couldn’t help but pout. “Fuck,” he said because they had been waiting for this opportunity for months. 

“It’s fine,” Even grinned, squeezing Isak’s shoulder. “I’m just glad I was here when you showed up. I never want you to feel alone, baby.” 

After a little while, Even made him dinner. It looked delicious, but Isak couldn’t taste much of anything. Even didn’t seem to care that he wasn’t eating, just pushed his glass of water closer to him and encouraged him to drink instead. They washed the dishes together and then turned on the TV, but soon Isak started to feel trapped, like the house was too small. His skin was crawling with pent up energy and he wasn’t sure why, but when he told Even what he was feeling, the boy just nodded, like that was completely normal, grabbed a blanket off of the back of the couch, and then led him outside where they made a pallet in the backyard so that they could lay down and stare up at the sky. 

It was so beautiful, so vast and open and full of possibilities. Staring up at it, the scary things in his life didn’t seem so scary. As long as he had Even next to him, holding his hand like he was doing now, everything was going to be okay. He knew it was a bad idea—knew that his heart was already in pieces—but there was a hole inside of him that only Even could fill, so he leaned over and he kissed him. 

It started out lazy, but Isak had so many emotions inside of him that their kisses quickly grew more passionate, more desperate, as each of them tried to heal the broken parts of the other and show them that no matter what, they were still loved. 

Years later, the rest was still a bit of a blur, which was a good indication that it never should have happened in the first place. Isak was too raw, too vulnerable, to be giving all of himself to someone else, and even though he didn’t know it at the time, Even was too. 

The next thing he knew, their clothes were off, scattered on the blanket around them, and Isak was pushing back onto Even’s fingers, begging for more and deeper and harder. 

“Isak, are you sure?” And he was. He was _so_ sure. He’d never been more sure about anything in his life. 

They made love that night on a blanket beneath the stars. Even worshipped him and worshipped his body like he was a god and when it was over, Isak cried not for what he’d lost that day, but for what he had gained. 

The words came out of him without any premeditation, not because Even didn’t already know, but because Isak wanted to say it aloud at least once. “I’m gay,” he said through his tears. “And I love you so fucking much—so much, Even, that it hurts.” 

Even leaned over and kissed Isak full on the lips. “I know. Because that’s how much I love you too.” 

* 

They were lying in Even’s bed later that night, still holding each other tightly, when a prickling feeling of unease began to creep down Isak’s spine. Even had been talking nonstop for at least half an hour about life and love. He got like that sometimes and Isak was used to it, so he tuned most of it out, but then Even was talking about him, about _them,_ and there was something about his words that concerned him. 

“It’s a sin, you know,” he said, “me loving you.” He said it so nonchalantly, like it was a fact—nothing he was bothered by, just the way the world was. “But I’m so fucked in the head that I don’t even care! There’s something wrong with me, Isak, I know there is because you’re so pure and innocent and sweet—like an angel—but I still want to be the one to corrupt you. I want you to be the one to corrupt me!” 

Isak suddenly felt sick to his stomach. Was that how he really felt? Did he really think what they were doing was wrong? “Even, you’re not fucked in the head—” he started, wanting to make sure that if he didn’t know anything else, he at least knew that, but Even barreled on like Isak wasn’t even there. 

“I think we should tell everyone!” he cried and he sounded so excited now. “Have sex on the fucking alter, rub it in all their faces, and then burn in hell together. What do you think?” 

Isak tried to smile through the bile in his throat. “Yeah, okay,” he said, hoping that maybe that would calm Even down. Maybe that would soothe him enough to get him to sleep and then things might be different in the morning. That’s what he always wished for his mom too—that things would be different in the morning. 

Thankfully, Even seemed satisfied by his comment and the two of them fell back into silence. Isak knew he wouldn’t sleep, not after Even’s words, not after what happened with his mom. He was once again just waiting for the fallout. 

It arrived just before dawn. 

Even hadn’t been sleeping either and out of nowhere he stood and pulled on a bathrobe. “Baby, where are you going?” Isak asked, sitting up in worry. 

“Just to get some water,” Even assured him. “You want anything?” Isak shook his head and then collapsed back onto the pillows, relieved. 

Even had been gone for almost twenty minutes when Isak heard the sound of the front door opening and then slamming shut. 

He prayed to himself that it was just Even’s parents getting home, but in his heart, he knew. He was already shaking uncontrollably when he heard Even’s mom’s car peel out of the driveway and the first thing he thought was, _Can he even drive?_

Isak hopped out of bed immediately and yanked on his clothes before running down the stairs and searching for any sign of where Even might have gone. There was nothing. No note, no text, no fucking email. He was just gone. 

There were tears in Isak’s eyes once again and it was too much. It was all too much. He tried calling Even, but quickly realized he’d left his phone on the table next to Isak’s. Not knowing what else to do, Isak used Even’s phone to call his parents instead. 

It was only when his mom answered, already sounding alarmed, that Isak remembered it wasn’t even five in the morning yet. 

“Even, what’s wrong?” 

Isak swallowed back his tears and tried to relay the story clinically, but he couldn’t help but get choked up halfway through the delivery. “This isn’t Even, it’s Isak,” he said. “I-I don’t know where Even is. He was acting weird and then he just left. He took your car out of the garage and he drove away. Maybe it’s nothing—I’m so sorry to worry you if it’s nothing—” 

“No, sweetie, I’m glad you called,” she said with a heavy sigh. She sounded tired, worried, but not surprised. Isak heard her whisper a few urgent words to her husband on the other line. “We’re going to find him, okay, Isak? But I want you to stay there. I don’t want you getting involved with this. We’ll call you when we know something.” 

And so he waited. 

He was nearly sick with worry when he got the call saying that Even was okay. “The police picked him up,” his mom said, “so he’s safe, but he’s going to be a little out of it for a while. Why don’t you go on home? We’ll get him to call you when he’s feeling up to it.” So he walked home, utterly exhausted, both relieved and scared out of his mind. 

He wasn’t even surprised to find his mom gone when he finally stepped through his front door because that was just the kind of day he was having. Luckily, this time, there _was_ a note. He could barely read it through his tears: 

_Isak, Your mom is sick and she needs help that we can’t give her. I’m putting her in a home for people like her. She’ll be better off there. I wish I could stay, but that house has too many bad memories for me. Do what you need to. I’ll send money. Love, Dad_

Isak ripped the paper into a million little pieces, curled up into a ball on the floor, and cried for what felt like hours. Even was gone, his mom was gone, and this time, he really was alone. 

* 

It was only later that he found out what Even had been doing in the early hours of that morning. He had driven to the church and barged into the sanctuary, screaming at the top of his lungs about how they were wrong, they were all wrong. If god had only known what it felt like to love someone like Isak, he wouldn’t have said it was a sin because Isak was precious and perfect and he deserved to love whoever he wanted to. 

He crashed after that in a big way. He wouldn’t return Isak’s texts, wouldn’t return his calls, and when Isak showed up at his house, begging to see him, he got his mom to send him away. And Isak understood, he really did. Even’s mom told him about his bipolar diagnosis and how hard he was taking it, but it still hurt that he would abandon him now, when he had no one else left. 

It was Jonas, who had heard it from some of his skate park friends, that told him Even was back at school, that he was fine—or functioning, at least, which was more than Isak was expecting with all of the dead silence he was getting. He ditched his last two classes and rushed to Even’s school, just knowing that Even would want to see him, but when he got there and saw Even laughing with his friends in the courtyard, he realized he was wrong. Even didn’t want him at all. So he stopped texting and he stopped calling and he stopped being a burden on his life. 

He ended up in a gay bar that night and begged some tall blonde to take him home and fuck the memory of Even right out of him because his heart hurt and he just wanted to feel better, but he ended up going home with Eskild instead and slowly, his new roommates began to piece him back together. 

It was six months later before he heard from Even again. Isak used to sleep with his phone on silent, but after everything that happened with him, he now kept the volume turned up as loud as he could. Just in case. It was just after two in the morning when the call came through. Isak woke up from a dead sleep, immediately on high alert, and felt his stomach jump into his throat when he saw Even’s name come up on the display. If it had been daylight, he might have thought through the ramifications of answering for too long and let it go to voicemail, but as it was, he was too scared to even wait for the second ring. 

“Even?” he asked, answering the call. It was quiet on the other end of the line for several harrowing seconds before the crying started—loud, wracking sobs that broke Isak’s heart because he had never heard Even in that kind of pain before and it was tearing him apart. “Baby,” he said, tears falling from his own eyes now too. “What’s wrong?” 

Even cried for so long without responding that Isak gave up on hearing his voice at all. Instead, he filled the silence with words that he hoped might make him feel just a little bit better. “It’s okay. You’re okay, baby. Just breathe.” 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Even finally choked out and Isak started crying harder at the sound of his voice. God, he had missed him. “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I feel so alone.” 

“Even, I’m right here,” he said through his tears. “You’re not alone, baby, I’m here.” Still, the tears didn’t stop coming, and Isak was scared now. He knew how Even’s emotions could get sometimes and he didn’t want to let him off the phone until he knew for sure that he was okay. “Even when we’re not together, okay? Even then, know that I’m still here. Know that you’re never alone. I don’t understand shit right now, Even, I really don’t, but I still love you. Now you have to love yourself.” 

Neither of them said another word, but they stayed on the phone for hours, first crying together, and then just listening to the other breathe. They finally hung up as the sun rose and it wasn’t closure exactly, but it was more than Isak had expected. 

He dreamed of Even when he finally fell asleep, of storage closets and blanket forts, of crayons and moonlit lakes. 

It was over a year before they spoke again. 


	2. Chapter 2

Isak’s first day of his last year of high school wasn’t even halfway finished and he was already over it. Eva was mad at him for making a flippant joke about how she was dragging Jonas around by the balls, he had two practice essays due Friday, and fucking Emma Larzen had asked him out _again_ —he wasn’t sure how many more times he could say no to her before people started getting suspicious. 

He was so drained that he didn’t even bother standing in line for lunch, just figured he’d eat the granola bar stuffed at the bottom of his backpack if he got hungry, and dropped his head onto his arms instead, waiting for his next class to start. The din of the cafeteria was nowhere near soothing, but it did have a strange lull to it and Isak could almost feel himself drifting off when he was startled back to consciousness by the clatter of a plastic tray next to his head. 

“What the hell?” he snapped, craning his neck to glare up at Jonas, who was glaring right back. Was he mad now too? “Dude, it was a fucking joke,” he groaned, but Jonas rolled his eyes. 

“I don’t give a shit about what you said to Eva,” he said, waving him off. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me he was transferring here? He walked into my history class and I just fucking froze. I didn’t know whether I was supposed to hate him or—do _you_ hate him? I don’t even fucking know. You never talk about him anymore—but he looked so lost, Isak, so I invited him over and we talked a bit. He seemed totally chill, but if you want me to hate him, I will.” 

He crashed down into the seat next to Isak, looking so apologetic that Isak was positive he must have missed something. He blinked up at him stupidly. “Huh?” 

“Even,” Jonas said, like Isak might possibly be the dumbest person he had ever met. Just the sound of his name sent an uncomfortable chill down Isak’s spine. 

“What about him?” he shrugged casually, determined not to let Jonas see just how much the name still affected him. 

“He’s here!” Jonas cried. “In my fucking history class.” The color drained from Isak’s face and Jonas immediately sobered. “Did you not know?” 

Isak felt panic building in his throat in a way that it hadn’t since the night Even and his mother had both been ripped from him simultaneously. This wasn’t happening. It was a dream. God knows he’d dreamed about it enough. About what he would say and how he would act and whether they could still be friends even after the hell Even had put him through—whether that’s even what he still _wanted_. “No, I didn’t fucking know,” he said, breathless. “What the fuck’s he doing here?” 

“I don’t know,” Jonas admitted, holding a hand out like he already knew Isak was going to try to do something stupid. “He must have transferred.” 

“Why the fuck would he do that though?” Isak panicked. 

“Isak, I don’t know,” Jonas soothed. “Are you okay? Do you want to get out of here? You don’t look so good.” 

Isak forced himself to take a much-needed gulp of air and had already started nodding his head desperately when Magnus dropped his bag onto the ground across from them. “Hey, guys,” he said, plopping down into the seat. Isak was prepared to ignore him, determined to get out of the school as fast as he fucking could, but then Magnus spoke again and ruined any plans Isak had to run away from his problems. “Have you met Even yet? He’s new.” 

Isak and Jonas simultaneously turned from where they were whispering urgently to each other and looked across the table, their eyes slowly trailing up a very familiar long, lean body to meet Even’s—and just like the very first time he’d ever met him, those ice blue eyes took Isak’s breath away. 

No matter how much he tried to deny it, Isak knew that he had fallen in love with Even irrevocably when he was eleven years old, and he was pretty sure he was falling again now because _damn_. He was tall—so fucking tall, shit—but the way he was holding himself, like he was ready to curl into a ball to shield his body at a moment’s notice, made him seem smaller than he was. His hair was styled in the same ridiculous quiff he’d taken to wearing during that last year they’d spent together, but it didn’t look so ridiculous now. It fit him well. Made him look like fucking James Dean, which Isak _did not need,_ thank you very much. 

He had every reason to look cool and confident, but he was blushing under Isak’s gaze—something Isak was 100% positive he had never seen before—and he looked just as ready to run as Isak felt. It struck Isak then that the last time he’d seen Even, the boy had been manic and had run out on him before his come had even dried on Isak’s body; the last time he’d heard his voice, he’d been crying. 

It was the same Even and yet, so much had changed. 

“You can sit,” Magnus said, looking between the three of them like they were all insane. Even did a double take at Magnus’s words, but then nodded absently. He dropped his own bag to the floor and was just about to sit when he looked to Isak, silently asking permission. Isak shrugged minutely. _What the fuck ever, Even. Do what you want._ It wasn’t like his wishes had ever mattered to him before. 

“So this is Jonas,” Magnus introduced, oblivious as ever to the tension hanging thick in the air between them. “And this is Isak, the guy I was telling you about. He’s a whiz at bio—he’ll help you get caught up real quick.” 

“Hi, guys,” Even said, his fingers tapping out a rhythm on the table in front of him. It was the most awkward Isak had ever seen him look and he took some perverse pleasure in that. 

“Hi,” Jonas drawled when it became obvious Isak wasn’t going to say anything. “Again.” And then all three of them were looking at Isak, waiting for _something_ , but he couldn’t find words because at the sound of Even’s voice, he was pulled back into their last night together. To soft, whispered “I love you”s, to “I never want you to feel alone.” So he just sat there, staring blankly, knowing that Even owed him enough to allow him one minute of rudeness after what he had put him through. 

Even’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed thickly. “Hi, Isak,” he said, uttering his name like a prayer. Isak couldn’t help but shiver, like Even had run his fingers directly over his heart. 

He was at a crossroads. He could either walk away and do to Even what he had done to him, or he could say hi back and maybe, just maybe, start rebuilding the best thing that had ever happened to him. Although he still felt broken and damaged and lost beyond reason, he chose the latter. “Hi, Even.” And there it was. The first stitch along his broken heart had been placed and he was pretty sure Even could feel it too because his shoulders relaxed and the corners of his lips twitched up in a barely-there smile. Next to him, Jonas breathed an audible sigh of relief. 

“What the fuck?” Magnus chuckled, finally catching on to the weird atmosphere. “Do you know each other?” 

_Yeah_ , Isak wanted to say, _Biblically_. But what he settled for was, “We went to the same church growing up.” 

“Aw,” Magnus cooed. “So you knew Isak when he was a grumpy little munchkin?” Even snorted and looked over at Isak fondly from beneath his eyelashes. 

“Isak? Grumpy?” he said, eyes narrowed doubtfully. “Isak’s not grumpy.” 

“You have no idea, dude,” Jonas chuckled, but Isak could hear the words he left unsaid: _You have no idea what he’s like when he’s not with you_. 

Even looked at Isak carefully, like maybe he would find something in his eyes that would tip him off to the fact that he was a different person now, but he didn’t seem to find it because he just shrugged. “I guess you’d know better than me.” And, shit, if that didn’t sting. 

Isak was suddenly overcome with emotions, overwhelmed with a sense of _wrongness_. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was all backwards. It was supposed to be _Even_ that knew him better than anyone. It was supposed to _Even_ sitting next to him with a reassuring hand on his knee. It was supposed to be _Even_. It was all supposed to Even. 

He felt tears prickling behind his eyes and it was ridiculous, it really was, but he had to leave, he had to get away from whatever the hell this was. “Um, god, I just remembered,” he said, standing up. He cursed the fact that you could hear the emotion in his voice and he _would_ be embarrassed, but there was no room left in his heart to feel anything else. “I’m supposed to be meeting Sana for…um, for something.” He bent down to pick up his bag and tried to wipe his eyes on his sleeve as stealthily as he could. 

“I could go with you—” Jonas started, but Isak just shook his head. 

“No, it’s fine. I’ll see you guys later.” He hadn’t even taken one step away from the table, however, before Magnus stopped him. 

“Hey, wait,” he said and when Isak turned back around, he noticed Even standing halfway out of his chair, like he had been about to come after him. He wasn’t sure what to feel about that. “I told Even you would help him in biology. His credits got really fucked moving schools and he’s a little behind.” 

_Damn you, Magnus._ “Yeah, whatever,” he said, knowing that would be the fastest way to get him to shut up. “Just text me, I guess,” he said to Even. “If you want.” 

He was waiting on a nod of understanding before leaving altogether, but what he got instead was another bright red blush. “You don’t have my number anymore,” he realized. Even opened his mouth—to explain himself or deny it, Isak wasn’t sure—but Isak was done. “Get it from Jonas,” he said and then he stormed out of the cafeteria, caught somewhere between grief and anger. 

* 

Isak spent the night wearing a hole in the carpet of his bedroom. He tried to sleep at first, even though he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in almost two years, but he quickly gave it up as a lost cause. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Even—both as the gangly boy with too long limbs and acne, and as the man he was now. He could still feel his lips on his body, still hear the way he screamed Isak’s name when he came, still taste the lake water on his tongue. So, no, he certainly couldn’t sleep. He paced instead. 

It was after three in the morning when the ball of anxiety clenched tightly in his chest deflated, only to be replaced with a white-hot anger. It tore through him like wildfire in a strange imitation of lust. Isak realized then that he had never allowed himself to be properly angry. No matter how much he hated that Even’s solution to his problems was to rip Isak out of his life, there was a part of him that understood. He knew Even was struggling, not just with his sexuality, but with his mind as well. He knew that Even hadn’t _wanted_ to leave him. He knew he hadn’t done it to be cruel. But there was a part of him that had always selfishly hoped Even was suffering as much as he was, that he wanted him back—or at least missed him, even if only a little bit. Seeing him standing in the cafeteria, happy and healthy and whole—it should have satisfied him, but instead it pissed him off. 

Why did Even get to be fine while Isak’s heart was still shredded to pieces in his chest? How did he fall sleep without dreaming of him? How did he forget the way it felt to be inside of him? Isak would give anything to know because he had a feeling his suffering was only going to get worse. 

He was still fuming when he walked into school the next morning, only now he was fuming after having been awake for a solid 28 hours and counting. It wasn’t a good combination and he wasn’t sure whether it was better or worse than constantly being on the verge of tears. 

He was standing at his locker, trying to extricate his biology book, which was buried at the very back, when a shadow fell over him. He knew without looking up who it was and he sighed in annoyance. 

“Hi,” Even said and Isak turned to give him a frustrated glare over his shoulder. Even smiled at him sheepishly, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Good. Let him be nervous. 

“What?” Isak snapped, finally getting a hold of his textbook and pulling it out while simultaneously knocking two others to the ground. “Fuck. Hold this.” He passed the book he needed to Even and then bent down to pick up the rest. 

“Um, I just wanted to talk,” Even said, sounding confused. 

Isak gathered his scattered belongings from the floor and stuffed them back into his locker haphazardly, slamming it shut before everything had a chance to explode out of it again. “I have class in five minutes,” he said, finally turning his dull, dead eyes to Even. He knew he was being an asshole, but he didn’t fucking care. 

“Oh, well, I, um…” He seemed shaken by Isak’s forced calm, sad almost, and there was a part of Isak that wanted to reach out a hand and assure him that it was fine—that it was all just an act—but his hands were clenched tightly behind him to keep from doing just that. Even seemed to change course mid-sentence because he finally snapped, “Are you mad at me?” Like the very thought was ridiculous. 

Isak waited a beat, expecting some sort of punch line, but it never came. “Of course I’m fucking mad at you,” he said, rolling his eyes. 

To Isak’s surprise, Even crinkled his nose and let out a small laugh. “Stupid question,” he realized. “I meant are you mad that I’m here? At your school? Because if you don’t want me here, I’ll leave. I’ve ruined your life enough.” 

The little fight that was left in Isak vanished and he heard himself let out a pitiful whine, completely unbidden. “I’m not mad,” he sighed. “I’m—” _Hurt. Confused. Heartbroken._ “I wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. I could have used a warning. It was just a bit much, seeing you for the first time in two years with all of my—our, I guess—classmates watching. I thought you would have told me before springing something like that on me.” Even dropped his head in guilt and Isak suddenly remembered something else from their conversation the day before. “But you couldn’t, could you?” he realized. “You have no idea where I live and you deleted my phone number.” 

“I didn’t do that to hurt you,” he was quick to say. “After that night I called you, I knew I couldn’t put you through that again, so I deleted the number. I’m sorry.” 

_I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I feel so alone_ . 

Isak shook off the memory and tried not to think of all the nights that came after when Even was still suffering, but had no one to call to talk him through it. “It’s fine,” he shrugged, trying to act casual. On the list of Even’s sins, deleting Isak’s phone number barely even scratched the surface of what he had to apologize for. 

“Why here?” he asked suddenly and Even startled backwards at the vehemence in his voice. “Why did you leave your old school and transfer here, of all places?” 

Even sighed heavily. “Things were rough for me there,” he admitted. “Some stuff went down last year and I—I didn’t feel safe going back.” He looked into Isak’s eyes, as if he were drawing strength from him, but it didn’t escape Isak’s notice that he hadn’t answered the other half of the question. 

“And why come here?” 

The soft smile was back on Even’s lips and he leaned forward just a bit, until Isak could feel his body heat against him. “Because you were here,” he admitted, like it was the easiest thing in the world to say. “I always feel safe when I’m with you.” 

The halls were filling up with students around them and Even backed away from Isak, giving him room to breathe, but Isak wasn’t paying attention to anyone but Even. Had he really just said that or was Isak hallucinating? Had he fallen asleep on the tram? Was all of this a dream? 

“You should probably get to class,” Even pointed out after a few seconds of awkward silence and Isak startled at the reminder that he had somewhere to be. 

“Oh, yeah, I should go.” Even didn’t bother moving, so he stepped around him and began walking down the hall, throwing one last glance over his shoulder before he continued on his way. 

“Oh, Isak, wait,” Even said, rushing up to him and Isak turned immediately, his heart fluttering with nerves for a reason even he didn’t understand. To his immense frustration, all Even had for him was the textbook Isak had forced on him earlier. He huffed his displeasure, but took it back from him nevertheless. 

“I’ll see you later?” Even asked carefully, like he was walking through a minefield that was going to blow at any minute. 

Isak nodded absently and ambled his way down the hall to his biology classroom. The class was halfway over before his heart started beating normally again. 

* 

Because Even shared his class right before lunch with Magnus, and because Magnus was a very difficult person to dissuade from anything, Even started eating lunch with them. He didn’t say much—neither did Isak—but Isak would be lying if he said it wasn’t nice to have him there, to see him fitting in with Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi. He tried not to dwell on the fact that that should have been their normal for _years_ by that point. Thinking about the time they lost hurt too much. 

It was during lunch on Wednesday that Isak got the text. He almost didn’t check it, assuming it was another Bible verse from his mom (she had been sending him a chapter of Revelation a day for the past two weeks), but something told him to look and when he did, he felt his breath catch in his throat because Even’s name was staring up at him from his lock screen. He looked across the table in surprise to find Even smirking at him knowingly. He nodded at the phone in Isak’s hand, as if to say _Well?_

Isak unlocked his phone to pull up his text history with Even and did his best to keep his face neutral as he looked at the string of unanswered messages he’d sent over the past two years and never deleted. They still sat there, mocking him. There was a terse _Happy Birthday_ sent in February, followed by a _You are not alone_ in May when Isak had logged onto Facebook and realized Even had deleted everything. He wouldn’t have sent it normally, would have at least tried to appear like he was over it, but when Even was just _gone_ from his feed, he had feared the worst. _He never even saw these_ , Isak realized. _I bet he had my number blocked_. 

He pushed away those memories and looked down at the new message. _Were you serious about tutoring me in bio?_

Isak shifted uncomfortably in his seat, but eventually looked over at Even and shrugged. Even rolled his eyes and mimicked his shrug before looking down at his lap and typing out another message. 

_Okay well will you?_ He must have noticed Isak’s slight frown because he quickly followed that up with, _If you want. You can say no._

Isak kept his eyes glued to his phone, knowing that if he looked into Even’s hopeful gaze, he wouldn’t be able to say no. Did he _want_ to tutor Even? To spent maybe hours a week with him? Possibly alone? At one time in his life, that was _all_ he would have wanted, but now he wasn’t so sure. There was a part of him that feared getting close to him again, worried that he might pull away just when Isak got attached. But who was he kidding? He had gotten attached a long time ago and that was something he still hadn’t managed to shake. 

_Okay,_ he finally typed, wondering if Even could hear his heartbeat from across the table. _When?_

When he finally looked up, Even was staring down at his phone with a smile on his face that thawed some of the ice on Isak’s heart. _Today after school? In the library?_

Isak wasn’t sure he was ready to be alone with him so soon, but if not now, when? He looked Even dead in the eyes and nodded. 

“What about you, Isak?” Isak turned back to his friends in surprise to find all three of them staring at him, Jonas ducking his head into his hands in what looked like secondhand embarrassment. 

“Um, what?” he asked, looking between them for any clues as to what he had missed, but they gave nothing away. 

“Seriously?” Magnus complained. “Were you listening to anything I just said?” 

“No,” he said without any remorse. “I wasn’t.” 

“He wants to have anal sex,” Mahdi supplied with a smirk. 

“And he wants my opinion?” Isak cried hysterically. 

Magnus let out an annoyed huff. “Me and Vilde are _thinking_ about it,” he corrected, like this was a completely normal thing to be talking about over cheese toasties. “I’m just trying to make an informed decision and these two losers haven’t ever tried it. Have you?” 

There was a list of questions in Isak’s head that he had rehearsed lies for, questions like “Are you gay?” and “Who was your first kiss?” He had no answer prepared for “Have you ever had anal sex?” What the fuck? 

“No,” he said, probably too vehemently to be entirely believable, and although it was technically a lie, he doubted he would have been able to answer many of Magnus’s questions anyway, considering he had been the Vilde in his own anal sex experience. 

It was only after the initial wave of embarrassment passed that he remembered the Magnus to his Vilde was sitting across the table from him (And seriously, what was his life coming to that he was comparing what he had with Even to Magnus and Vilde?). He said a quick prayer to a god he barely believed in that Magnus would just drop the subject without— 

“What about you, Even?” 

Fuck. Immediately, Even turned his wide eyes to Isak because he was the worst fucking liar in the whole world—always had been—and Isak tried to shake his head without making it obvious to everyone else that he was shaking his head, but Even just looked even more confused by what he was doing, probably because he looked more constipated than anything. “Uh…” he said, drawing out the word while he thought about the answer, eyes still locked on Isak. He never got around to saying yes or no, but his hesitation said everything. Magnus let out a pleased yelp. 

“Really?” he cried, practically vibrating with excitement. “How was it?” 

“Uh…” Even repeated, finally tearing his gaze away from Isak as his cheeks flushed a dark red. Next to him, Jonas quickly disguised a laugh as a cough in the sleeve of his jacket. What did Isak do in a previous life to deserve this? “It was the best sex of my life, actually.” 

For a brief second, Isak was sure that his heart had stopped beating. They’d never gotten a chance to talk about that night—the good parts or the bad parts—and to hear that even years later, it still _meant_ something to him, set a flutter of butterflies loose in Isak’s stomach. Because even though Even had never told him, he _knew_ that there was someone that came after him, a pretty blonde girl from his old school who Isak had seen pictures of on Even’s Facebook while he still had one. He spent weeks thinking about her, wondering if she kissed better than him, if she fucked better than him. He never would have had the guts to ask, but here at least was confirmation that if he wasn’t anything else, he was still Even’s best fuck. 

The two of them stared at each other, smiles gone, but Isak saw the truth in his eyes. 

“Fuck it,” Magnus decided. “I’m doing it.” 

His enthusiasm seemed to draw Even back in. He shook his head a bit, as if to get his brain back on topic, and then supplied some actual helpful advice. “Okay, but like, it’s not something that just _happens_ , so you need to Google about prep and shit.” He winced at the pun as soon as it was out of his mouth and Isak couldn’t help but smirk. Magnus just nodded along to his suggestion, mouth agape, as if being told to use Google was the most fascinating thing he had ever heard. 

“And lube,” Isak added because somehow this strange conversation had put him in a good mood. “You need real lube, not whatever cheap lotion you use to jack off with.” 

“I thought you’d never done it before though,” Magnus pointed out. And shit. Why was he such an idiot? Before he could freak out, however, Jonas came to his rescue. 

“That’s just common sense, dude,” he said. “You weren’t planning to fuck her without lube were you?” That set off another bout of ribbing from Jonas and Mahdi that Magnus took good-naturedly and Isak released a deep breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. When his heart rate finally settled, he looked up to find Even watching at him worriedly. 

There were questions dancing behind his eyes, questions Isak could almost hear across the space between them. Do they know you like boys? Would they care if you did? But he said none of those things, just continued to watch him until they were finished with their lunches and the bell rang, ushering them towards their next class. 

“I’ll see you this afternoon?” Even reminded him before they left the cafeteria and Isak just nodded. _As if I could forget._

* 

Isak was a bundle of nerves by the time he settled into a table at the back of the library at the end of the school day. He had his biology textbook open in front of him and was flipping through the pages way too fast for anyone to actually believe that he was reading, but it gave him something to do with his hands. Even was only three minutes late, but already Isak felt like he'd been stood up. It felt like all those times he'd texted him and waited hours, days, weeks without hearing anything back. He had just convinced himself to bail before Even could do it to him when someone stopped in front of his table. He looked up, feeling oddly relieved that he hadn't been abandoned, but instead of Even, there stood Emma. 

"Hi," she said cheerfully, dropping into the chair across from him. 

"Uh..." Isak stalled, looking desperately around the room for any sign of Even. Thankfully, he was there, standing at the entrance to the library, scanning the room for Isak. He finally found him and smiled, but his forehead furrowed in confusion at the sight of Emma. 

"So, have you found out about Friday yet?" Emma continued, oblivious that his attention was elsewhere (the amount of oblivious contained in this one girl was staggering, actually). 

"Friday..." Isak mused. What the fuck was Friday? He remembered her asking him something about it on Monday, but he'd found out about Even shortly afterwards and everything else just didn't matter after that. 

"The party?" She continued, frowning now. "At Maria’s? You said you thought you had plans, but you'd check." 

"Oh yeah," he said. Even had reached the table by that point, but was standing frozen behind Emma, like he was waiting for permission to sit. Isak just stared up at him with wide eyes, but his gaze drew Emma's curiosity and she turned to look at the boy above her head. 

"Oh, hello," she smiled, moving her bag so Even could sit. He hesitated for only a second before doing so. "I'm Emma." 

"Even," he said, shaking her hand. 

Immediately, she turned back to Isak. "So, Friday?" 

Isak knew he was blushing under the combined attention of both Emma and Even, and he was so flustered he couldn't even think of a good lie. So he sat there, mouth half-open, hoping maybe an excuse would come to him. Even watched him with an amused smirk. 

"Friday?" Even asked, turning to Emma as he fished a notebook out of his bag. "I thought we were hanging out Friday?" He directed the last part to Isak and for one brief second, Isak remembered why they used to be best friends. 

"Oh my god, yeah," he said and he knew his surprise sounded genuine. "I knew there was something. Sorry, Emma, but I promised Even weeks ago I'd go see that new Nicolas Cage movie with him." 

Instantly, Even snorted. "I am _not_ going to go see a Nicolas Cage movie." Isak turned and glared at him. "What? I don't want people thinking I watch Nicolas Cage movies!" 

Isak rolled his eyes. "I'd forgotten you were a pretentious movie snob." 

Even raised an eyebrow doubtfully. "No, you hadn't." Fuck, no he hadn't. He was just about to ask what Even wanted to see then, if he was so cultured, when Emma spoke again. 

"Okay, well I'm just going to go." She stood, eyeing them warily, and then began backing away from the table. "See you around, Isak?" Isak quickly turned a grimace into a smile and gave her a half-wave. 

"Who was that?" Even asked, watching her disappear over his shoulder. "Girlfriend?" 

Isak watched the doorway long after she was gone, trying to think of an answer to that question. He wanted to give Even the same answer as the last time he’d asked him about possible girlfriends— _I don't like girls like that_ —because part of him wanted to make sure Even knew nothing had changed. The other part of him, however, wasn't ready to give this new Even that kind of ammunition against him. "No," he finally said. "Just a girl." 

Even nodded, like that was a perfectly acceptable answer, and then stared at Isak from over his crisp new notebook. "Thanks for doing this, by the way," he said when neither of them started to speak. “I'm so fucking lost." 

Isak shrugged. "You're a fast learner though," he remembered and Even blushed at what could possibly be construed as a compliment. "Let's just get you through these Punnett squares today since that's what the quiz is on, and then we'll work on the rest later." 

Even seemed agreeable so Isak opened his textbook and flipped to the correct page, but when he looked up, Even’s entire demeanor had changed. He was staring at Isak like he'd seen a ghost. 

"What?" Isak asked immediately because the intensity on Even's face was actually a little shocking. 

Even shook his head minutely. "Sorry," he said. "I just...Look, I know I need to apologize for some stuff and I want to do it now because the longer I wait, the more awkward this gets. I know I was an asshole to you, Isak. You're way too good to me. If I were you, I wouldn't have bothered showing up today." 

"Even," Isak warned, looking around the library that was still half-full of nosy teenagers. 

"No, I know, I just...I'm so fucking sorry, okay? I hurt you and I hurt me and I broke what we had. I broke the best damn thing in my life and I'll never forgive myself for it." 

Isak's heart was beating all over the place, but there was something about that apology that lit a spark in him because it wasn't enough. "What exactly are you apologizing for?" he snapped, his voice low enough to keep it away from curious ears. "Because it sounds like you're apologizing for having an episode, which was never your fault in the first place. I was never mad about that. If you want to apologize for something, maybe start with apologizing for fucking me and then leaving me alone, terrified, without any explanation for months. You were just gone, Even. What would you have done if that was me? If you had a mom like mine and I suddenly disappeared, clearly out of my mind, and then refused to talk to you? I know that what happened almost killed you, but guess what? It almost killed me too." 

A heavy silence fell between them and Isak immediately felt guilty because Even looked like he'd been slapped. There was more Isak could say about the drinking and the gay bars, but his goal wasn't to make Even feel guilty, which he was obviously failing at miserably. "Look," he sighed. "I don't want to talk about this here. Let's just—" 

"Your place or mine?" 

"What? No, I didn't mean..." But Even looked so hopeful and Isak _had_ been the one to open Pandora's box. That wasn't just something he could close the lid on and shove under the bed until he was ready to discuss it again. It was out there, in the open, and now he had to deal with it. 

Isak bent and began packing his things. "Mine," he said, already standing and heading towards the door, not even checking to see if Even was following him. There were too many memories of them at Even's and he knew that the second he walked in that door, there would be flashbacks that would cloud his vision all night. Even had never set foot in his apartment. If they were to start anew, that was the place to do it. 

* 

He had hoped that his place would be empty when they got there, but of course he was not that lucky. 

"And who is this?" Eskild said, appraising Even as soon as the door shut behind them. 

Isak sighed deeply. He'd just had the most awkward tram ride of his life and being grilled by Eskild was not going to make anything less awkward. "Eskild, Even. Even, Eskild," he introduced quickly. The two of them reached across Isak to shake hands, but he pushed them away before they could do so and stepped between them. "We're going to my room," he said to Eskild and Eskild beamed, giving him a conspicuous wink as he led Even away. 

Without Even in his life, Isak had drifted so far back into the closet that he wasn’t even sure he could find his way back out again. Eskild, however, was determined to shove him out by force if that’s what it took. Isak could tell by the excitement on his face that he thought Even was the guy he'd been trying to set Isak up with on Grindr for weeks—they were both tall, blonde, ridiculously good-looking—and Isak wasn't going to correct him because he knew that if Eskild thought they were hooking up, he was less likely to show up in an hour with a cheese tray or something equally ridiculous. Isak would just have to straighten that misunderstanding out later. 

"Nice apartment," Even said as Isak ushered him into his room and shut the door behind them. He wanted to lock it, but he didn't want Even to get the wrong idea. Or to feel trapped. Of course, he realized very quickly that he was liable to get the wrong idea anyway because Isak had completely forgotten that the only place to sit in his room was on his fucking bed, but there was no taking it back now. 

Even didn't seem bothered by the small quarters, just kicked his shoes off and climbed onto the bed to lean against the headboard. "Same duvet," he noted, running his fingers over the threadbare fabric. 

"Yeah," Isak admitted, running his own fingers through his hair nervously. "I should probably get a new one." 

Even hummed. "I like this one." 

They stared at each other, both of their cheeks flushed, remembering the summer they'd spent cuddled together under that exact same duvet, sometimes sleeping, sometimes kissing, sometimes trying not to listen as Isak's parents yelled at each other from the next room. Slowly, Isak kicked off his own shoes and joined Even on the bed. He sat across from him, careful to make sure they didn't touch, and crossed his legs as a weak line of defense between them. 

"I'm sorry I blew up at you," Isak said, because it was true. "That wasn't cool." 

"No, you had every right." 

Isak rolled his eyes, sick of the self-deprecating bullshit. The sudden overwhelming need to just rewind everything came over him, but he wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to rewind to. Back to the library before he'd lost his shit? Back to the cafeteria on the first day of school before he'd seen Even? Back before they slept together? Before they met? 

Isak sighed. "I know you're sorry," he said and, once again, he meant it. He could see it in Even’s eyes every time he looked at him, hear it in his voice every time he spoke. And he hated it. "So can we just—not forget, I know we can't do that—but can we try to move past it? I can't say that things will ever go back to normal, but I'd like to get to the point where looking at you doesn't hurt so fucking bad. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time and I hate it." 

Even looked at him sadly. "I hate it too." The silence between them stretched out as Isak waited for a response. Even seemed to be debating with himself about something, but eventually hardened his jaw and just spit it out. "I want to move past it too, but I just need to say one thing first. Please?" He was begging, plain and simple, so Isak nodded. "I didn't push you away because I wanted to or because I thought you couldn't handle it. And I never for a second regretted what we did. That night— _you_ —were all the kept me alive during a bunch of really dark days. I was just scared, Isak, of what I might do to you if I stayed. It took a long time for me to work things out in my head—about the bipolar a-and my sexuality—and I knew it would. I didn't want to drag you down into that mess with me and then, when I finally found my way out the other side, I figured forcing myself back into your life at that point would be selfish." 

Isak couldn’t help but roll his eyes. "That wasn’t your call to make, though," he pointed out. "I'm a big boy. I—God, Even, you don't know how much it killed me to know that you were going through hell and that I couldn't help you with it." 

Even frowned. "Only you can feel what you feel," he muttered, like he was repeating something someone had told him once. When Isak glanced over at him, Even looked a second away from tears. 

"I want to start over," Isak declared, but then immediately winced. That wasn't the right wording. He didn't want to start over because he didn't want to erase everything they'd had before. "I want to move forward," he corrected and Even nodded like he was a man drowning and Isak had tossed him a life vest. And that was the gist of it, really. He knew they could sit there for hours, arguing their points back and forth, but it was in the past now. Isak wanted it to stay there. He exhaled a shaky sigh. "Now back to Punnett squares." 

Even's raised his eyebrows in surprise at the joke and then the two boys were laughing loudly, a flurry of emotions pouring out of them. _This is it_ , Isak thought. His life had been divided for so long into two parts: the part before Even left and the part after. _This is when everything starts over again._

* 

Surprisingly, they actually did get some studying done and, just like Isak remembered, Even was a quick learner. 

“Okay,” Even mused, looking down at the key that their teacher had given them. “So since your eyes are green and my eyes are blue, that means that if we were ever to have a baby, the baby would have a—hold on—50% chance of having green eyes and 50% chance of having blue eyes.” Even frowned. “I hope they have green eyes. I like yours better.” 

At some point in the past two hours, Isak had migrated up the bed to lean against the headboard next to Even and it was only as they started talking about copulation that Isak realized they were touching all along their sides and probably had been for quite a while. Suddenly, the room felt very hot. 

“Right?” Even clarified since Isak had been quiet for a bit too long. Isak swallowed hard and nodded. 

“Right,” he agreed. “Although any baby the two of us had would, by definition, beat all known laws of genetics, so this might not be very applicable.” 

“Way to ruin my fun,” Even pouted, turning to face Isak. They were now sitting so close that he could feel a stray lock of Even’s hair brush against his forehead. He’d forgotten what it felt like to be this close to him, to have every nerve ending alight with anticipation. The hair on his arm was standing on end and he just hoped that if Even noticed it, he would blame it on the nonexistent chill in the room. 

“Anyway,” Isak said, reaching out and closing the textbook in front of him. Even startled backwards at the abrupt movement. “I think you’ve pretty much got that figured out.” 

“Oh,” Even said, frowning down at the now-closed textbook like it had done him some personal wrong. “There were still a couple problems left, though?” 

“That’s your homework,” Isak shrugged, like that had been his plan all along. “I’ll look at them tomorrow.” 

“Yeah?” Even asked with a sly smile. “And what do I get if I do them correctly?” 

Isak’s cheeks flamed at the implication. He knew what Even wanted him to say—knew what he _would_ have said if this was two years ago and he was still comfortable with Even’s dick in his mouth, but as it was, he wasn’t quite ready to be anything but kind to Even. His heart was still too bruised for that. 

“A passing grade on your quiz Friday,” he answered and Even rolled his eyes, pouting once more. 

“Fine,” he said, dragging himself off of the bed. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Isak nodded absently, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them to keep himself from following Even out of the room. He never walked Jonas out of his apartment. That wasn’t something _friends_ did. 

“My mom’s going to be so happy when I tell her where I was this afternoon,” Even said, smiling over his shoulder at Isak as he slipped his tennis shoes back on. “She’s missed you a lot.” 

Isak couldn’t help the fond smile that pulled on his lips. “I’ve missed her too,” he admitted. On the days when he was really craving a mom that had enough wherewithal to care about his grades and his sleeping habits, he even missed her more than he missed Even. She, at least, had never done anything to hurt him. 

“And, uh,” Even said, finally dressed and standing at the door with one hand on the knob, ready to make a fast escape. “How is _your_ mom?” 

Isak had known the question was coming, but he never was quite sure how to answer it. Even, at least, had a better understanding of what her episodes meant than most people—not just because he had a diagnosis of his own, but because he had witnessed it firsthand—but that didn’t make it any easier to relay the nitty gritty details. 

“She’s at home now, at least,” Isak shrugged, belatedly realizing that Even might not know she’d ever left home in the first place. He didn’t seem surprised by the news, however, so Isak barreled on. “And, yeah, she’s better. Still not 100%. She goes through ups and downs with her meds, but it’s manageable right now.” He wanted to get out his phone and show Even the texts she’d sent him that day about rivers of blood, plagues, and woes that would only keep coming. He thought Even might understand it. They had grown up in that same world, after all. 

“I’m glad,” Even said with a soft smile. He stared at Isak for a few more seconds and then said his final goodbye. “Thanks again for the help, Isak. It really does mean a lot to me.” And then, with only a wave, he was gone. 

Isak immediately collapsed back against his pillows, breathing a sigh of relief for having survived whatever the hell that had been. He listened from his bed as Eskild stopped Even on his way out. Isak couldn’t make out their words, but thankfully Eskild didn’t hold him up for too long and soon the front door was opening and then closing, signaling Even’s departure from the apartment. All in all, it hadn’t been that bad. 

Like Isak knew he would, Eskild was at his door in a second, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Isak just shook his head. “That wasn’t Grindr Guy, Eskild.” 

“What? Yes it was!” he argued, but after a quick inspection of Isak, who was still fully clothed, and the bed, which was no more rumpled than usual, he seemed to accept defeat. “Well, damn,” he said, biting his lip nervously. 

Instantly, Isak was on high alert. “What did you say to him, Eskild?” he cried, but Eskild just waved him off. 

“Nothing, nothing,” he said, but his tone made it very clear that it was something, something. “I mean, nothing incriminating, at least. Don’t look at me like that! You should have told me he wasn’t Grindr Guy as soon as he got here.” 

“So I should just start introducing everyone I bring over as Not-Grindr-Guy?” 

“Well, it would certainly be helpful.” 

Isak had about a million things he wanted to say about boundaries and respecting others’ privacy, but he knew it would be lost on Eskild. Plus, there was literally no possible way Eskild could embarrass him in front of Even more than he’d already embarrassed himself, so he figured this was one of those situations where it was best not to know. He let the argument drop. 

“There’s pasta in the kitchen, if you want some,” Eskild finally said. “I sent Not-Grindr-Guy home with a bowl as well since I knew you wouldn’t have the decency to feed your hook-ups.” 

“Not a hook-up,” Isak pointed out, but he was already halfway out of bed, his stomach leading him towards the kitchen. 

* 

After eating and taking a shower, Isak found himself back in his bed, trying to distract himself with YouTube videos to keep from thinking about how his sheets still smelled like Even. He was going to have to do laundry tomorrow if he ever wanted to be able to sleep at all. 

When YouTube got boring, he switched first to Netflix, and then eventually—as the hours dwindled down and Even’s musty scent grew thicker in the air—to PornHub, which was becoming almost a nightly occurrence now. Orgasms were the one foolproof way to put him to sleep. 

Whereas usually he would scroll through the homepage just to check (for the millionth time) whether any of the thumbnails of gorgeous, naked women interested him, he didn’t even bother that night before switching over to the gay stuff. Some might call that progress. 

He didn’t want to admit it to even himself, but he’d been half hard for hours, his body conditioned to respond when Even was that close to him. He wasn’t sure if it was the physicality of it or the pheromones or what, but it was impossible to deny that his body remembered him intimately and his body was not burdened by the same doubts as his mind. His body _wanted_ and if he wasn’t going to let his body have Even, he was going to have to let it have something else instead. His hand was nowhere near an acceptable substitute, but it was all he had. 

He clicked play on the first video that looked halfway decent, but honestly, he didn’t even really need the visual stimulation. He pulled his boxers down to his ankles, closed his eyes, and listened as the two men on the screen moaned and grunted, taking their pleasure from each other’s bodies. 

Isak couldn’t help but think back to the first time he’d ever watched gay porn. He had been thirteen at the time and he hadn’t been alone. 

It had been Even’s idea, as most bad ideas were. He was spending the night at Isak’s, but Isak’s parents had gone to sleep hours before, leaving the boys to entertain themselves however they wanted (as long as they stayed quiet). He had brought it up casually, jammed the suggestion between “play video games” and “make pizza rolls” on a list of possible activities to fill their night, like watching porn together was a perfectly normal thing for best friends to do. 

Isak remembered staring at him dumbfounded. “Porn!?” he asked incredulously. 

“What?” Even shrugged. “Do you not watch porn?” 

“I-I mean, I do,” Isak stuttered. “Alone.” 

“Well, do you want to?” 

Isak doesn’t remember ever saying yes, but he never said no either, and the next thing he knew, him and Even were sprawled out on top of the very same duvet Isak was sprawled out on now, Isak’s laptop sitting on the bed between them as Even scrolled through the home page of videos. Isak was hard just looking at the thumbnails. He didn’t care that it was all boobs and vaginas. All that he cared about was that Even was sitting next to him, looking at those same boobs and vaginas, and that there was a tent in his pants that made it obvious he was hard too. 

“I watched all the good ones last night,” Even said after a minute. “Want to try the gay stuff?” Isak just nodded dumbly and that’s how they ended up watching as a big, hairy, muscular man who was tied to a four-poster bed, got ridden to within an inch of his life by a young, blonde boy. Isak could still remember the sounds the two of them made—the begging and the pleading, the guttural moans they made when they came—and how beautiful it had seemed echoing off the walls of Isak’s childhood bedroom. 

Pre-come had soaked his boxers in less than a minute and his hips were thrusting in time to the movements on the screen, no matter how hard he tried to stop them. He didn’t want Even to think he was _too_ into it. Was it possible to be _too_ into porn? Even, however, had no such qualms. 

“Do you mind if I—?” He choked out, palming the front of his sweatpants breathlessly. Isak just shook his head, not quite knowing what he was agreeing to, but agreeing to it whole-heartedly nonetheless. Then, to Isak’s utmost surprise, Even pushed his pants down to his knees, baring his pale, rock-hard cock to the cold night air, fisted himself in his hand, and jerked himself off, quick and dirty. Isak watched in fascination as the muscles in Even’s stomach spasmed when he came, and he made a desperate sound like his orgasm had been _torn_ out of his body—something taken, not given. His eyes stayed locked on Isak the whole time. 

Isak came in his pants that night without touching himself at all, and, like he had done countless of times over the years, he brought himself off again to the memory of it now, his nose buried in the pillow that still carried Even’s scent. 

Shame slowly began to creep into Isak’s body, as it always did when his stomach was painted with come. He reached a shaking hand to his computer and exited out of the window that was still playing the porn video he had chosen and then not paid any attention to at all. 

God, why was he so fucking pathetic? 

The orgasm was nowhere near as satisfying as Isak had hoped it would be—they never were now days, probably because he so often came to the memory of Even and what they were, what they should have been. Now that Even was back in his life, there was certainly a part of him that wanted to try to start over again with him, but he knew his heart wasn’t ready. Today he had gotten a closure of sorts. What he really needed to do was move on. He knew that the reason Even so often came to mind was that he was _all_ Isak had. He’d never slept with anyone else and he was resentful of that fact. He needed to erase those memories—or if not to erase them, at least to cover them up with a bandage that hurt a little less. 

Without even bothering to clean himself up, Isak moved the laptop to his floor, grabbed his phone, and opened his rarely used Grindr app. Eskild would be so proud. 

He already had a profile set up using the name on his fake ID, Adrian Eksett, but he hadn’t even opened it since the night he downloaded it, almost six months ago. Eskild had been showing him profiles every morning over his cereal, but so far no one had struck his fancy. 

He scrolled through the home page, quickly bypassing all of the shirtless gym pics until he found an artsy profile shot of some guy backlit by a sunset. It was hipster as hell and the fact that you couldn’t actually see any defining features on his face didn’t bode well for how attractive the guy actually was, but Isak wasn’t planning on hooking up with him anyway. He just needed to feel something—to feel _anything_ —with someone who wasn’t Even. 

He clicked on the profile. The guy’s display name was Art Vandeley (which someone should really tell him was not sexy at all because now Isak was just picturing George Costanza) and his profile was pretty bare. It was the kind of profile that screamed closet case and Isak would know because his was just as bad. There were no other pictures, no identifying information, only a phone number listed in the description. Isak rolled his eyes, but he was too invested to stop now. He had to show himself that there were options out there that weren’t Even. People who would look at a blurry picture of his abs and want to be with him because of who he was now, not who he’d been at age eleven. 

Figuring that this guy obviously preferred texting over using the Grindr interface if he was putting his phone number in the description, Isak jotted down the number in one of the notebooks still lying open on his bed and opened the messenger app instead. He didn’t pause to overthink things, just clicked on the button to take a picture, rucked his T-shirt up to his armpits, and aimed the camera down. The lighting wasn’t great, but the finished product looked dirty as hell. Isak was actually a little impressed. 

He wasn’t hard yet in the picture, but he was certainly getting there under the attention of the camera. His cock was still red from his ministrations earlier and there was dried come all over his abs, making it very clear what he had been doing only seconds before. It looked hot. _Desperate_ , sure, but hot. 

Satisfied, he began typing out the phone number he’d been given, only to have it autofill from his contacts. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” he hissed, using his duvet to finally wipe his stomach off as he sat up in bed, because the phone number he had been given was Even’s. Out of all the fucking profiles he could have clicked on… 

Isak couldn’t help but laugh. Well, that was one question answered, at least. Even was still interested in boys. 

He should have just given it up as a lost cause, but at the knowledge that Even was out there, possibly looking for the same type of companionship Isak was—his cock plumped up against his stomach. And the thought that maybe Even was only looking for an outlet because he was feeling just as wound tight as Isak was after their afternoon together? Well, that wasn’t helping. 

He knew it was stupid—knew that it would either come back to bite him in the ass or completely destroy him—but he opened up the Grindr app one last time, quickly double-checked that there was nothing on his profile that would give him away, opened the chat with Art Vandeley, and then attached the picture he had just spent five minutes perfecting, adding the caption _Join me for round 2?_

“Art” took a few minutes to respond, but when he finally did, it was with a picture of his own. Isak drank up the sight of Even’s naked body eagerly and he knew that even without having his phone number, he would have recognized him anywhere. Even’s skin was still as pale as it ever was, but he had grown more beautiful over the years. The trail of hair leading down to his groin was darker, his abs more defined. The picture showed him laying back on his bed (Isak could just see the corner of the _Romeo + Juliet_ poster that had been hanging in his bedroom for years), holding his cock erect with his right hand. There was a drop of pre-come peeking out of the slit. 

Isak was properly hard now, despite the fact that he had just come minutes before, and he began to stroke himself slowly while taking in the sheer glory of that picture. Even’s next message took his breath away. 

_I’m ready when you are_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never personally used Grindr, but one time some dude accidentally put MY phone number on his Grindr profile and I got 4 dick pics in one night before he changed it, so I'm assuming the exchanging of dick pics is how one says hello on that app...


	3. Chapter 3

**Art Vandeley**

Top or bottom? 

I’ve never topped before  
But I want to try it some day  
What about you? 

I’ve never bottomed before  
But I want to try it  
Some day ;) 

_______________ 

Are you out? 

I was at my old school  
Didn’t turn out too well. I had to transfer 

Oh. I’m sorry 

I’m not. I like the new school better anyway 

But you’re back in the closet? 

It feels that way. But if someone asked I wouldn’t lie  
Are you out? 

No  
Well to a few people I guess  
My roommate, my ex. Pretty sure my best friend knows too 

Do you want to be out? 

Yes 

What’s stopping you? 

I came out once before but then everything went to hell  
I guess I’m worried that might happen again 

_______________ 

Top 3 kinks. Go! 

Ugh you’re going to judge me 

I don’t kink shame  
You do yours then I’ll do mine 

Public sex, mutual masturbation, bareback  
Is bareback a kink? 

Haha I think so  
Mine are sex outdoors  
Is that the same as public sex? 

I meant like sex in a public place. Like a bathroom or something? 

You want to have sex in a public bathroom? 

Hey! No kink shaming 

Fine. But you’re supplying the wet wipes  
Sex outdoors, rimming, and probably mutual masturbation as well  
I did that with a guy once 

Good? 

Wouldn’t recommend it  
I haven’t been able to jerk off properly since 

_______________ 

Have you ever been in love? 

Once 

What happened? 

I fucked it up 

But you’re over it now? 

No. I don’t think I’ll ever be over him 

* 

Isak sat in the library after school on Monday reading through some of the messages he’d exchanged with Art over the weekend. He couldn’t stop smiling. He’d forgotten what it felt like to fall in love and here he was doing it all over again with the same fucking person that had broken his heart the first time. He obviously wasn’t the type to learn from his mistakes. 

The dubious morality of what he was doing began to weigh heavily on him as soon as Art’s skillful sexts had talked him through a second orgasm that first night. It seemed wrong that he knew he was talking to Even, but Even didn’t know he was talking to Isak. He thought he was sharing secrets with a stranger on the internet, only it wasn’t actually a stranger at all. He should have shut it down, maybe even come clean and apologized, but by the time that thought even occurred to him, he was already obsessed. He had forgotten how addicting Even was. He had been sober for years, but after just one taste, he knew he would never be able to quit him entirely. 

After the dick pics they’d sent initially, the conversation had been flirty, but not overtly sexual. Art never asked to meet, never requested an actual hook-up, and Isak hadn’t offered. Instead, they were getting to know each other ( _again_ , Isak added in his head), and what surprised him most was that underneath it all, Even hadn’t changed a bit. He brought up a romantic comedy within an hour of talking to Adrian ( _Have you ever tried to fake an orgasm? I was watching_ When Harry Met Sally _last night and I think I could do it if I was wearing a condom)_ and even at eighteen, he still seemed to think that dick jokes were the pinnacle of all humor. Isak loved it—he loved _him—_ but there was certainly a part of him that wished he didn’t know that. Living in the dark was so much easier. 

“Guess what?” Even said, plopping down into the seat across from him, a bright smile painting his face. 

Isak’s cheeks reddened under both the attention and the fact that Even’s messages were still open in front of him. He pocketed his phone quickly, resolving not to take it out in front of Even ever again. Or at least to turn his notifications for Grindr off. Even could never know. That was the first thing he’d decided when their conversation kept going after they both had gotten off. He can never know… 

“What?” Isak smirked. 

“I got a perfect score on the quiz,” he announced, slapping the piece of paper down on the table between them. “You should be proud.” 

“I am,” Isak admitted, glancing down at the worksheet. “But I already knew that.” 

Even pouted. “What? How?” 

“Because you skipped lunch today and Magnus has a big mouth,” Isak chuckled. 

“Right, him,” Even smiled fondly. “When did you become friends with him, anyway? It was always just you and Jonas as far as I can remember.” 

Isak furrowed his brow as he thought back. “It was after I started high school, so probably not long after you…” He let his words trail off. _Not long after you left_. He backtracked. “He was close with Mahdi, who became our go-to weed guy when Jonas’s last one graduated, so…yeah. We all just clicked, I guess.” 

“I like them,” Even said and for some reason, his approval warmed Isak’s insides. “So you smoke?” 

Isak chuckled. “Why? You going to yell at me, Dad?” 

Even ducked his head as his cheeks flushed. “No, no,” he smiled. “I’ve just never seen you high before. Drunk, sure, but I can’t imagine you high.” Isak didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing. “We’ll have to smoke together some time.” 

“Maybe,” Isak agreed. “But we need to study first.” 

It turned out that Even had missed lunch to talk to their biology teacher about what he was behind on. She’d ended up giving him her lesson plans for the next month, which Isak was excited about because not only did it help him help Even, but it also gave him a head start on the rest of the semester. Sana was going to be so jealous. 

“I like her,” Even said as he pulled his biology stuff out of his bag. “She’s a lot nicer than my last bio teacher. But does she ever wear a bra? Holy shit! It’s so distracting.” 

“Why?” Isak joked. “Forty-year-old biology teachers your thing?” 

“I mean, a boob’s a boob, Isak.” 

“Hm,” Isak hummed. “I wouldn’t know.” 

Even stared at him for a long time, but if he caught the underlying meaning behind his words, he didn’t press it. “So what are we learning about today, sensei?” 

They had just started a unit on human anatomy and physiology and Even was overjoyed—probably because it gave him an excuse to use all of the dick jokes he’d been hoarding. 

“Why are they different sizes though?” 

“Excuse me?” Isak asked, stopping mid-explanation on the difference between an artery and a vein. 

“Dicks,” he clarified. 

“Penises,” Isak corrected automatically because Even was going to have to label a drawing of the male reproductive system eventually and if he wrote “dick,” he was going to fail. 

Even continued on as if there had been no interruption. “Like why am I longer, but you’re thicker?” 

Isak tried to keep a straight face, he really did, but it was just too much. “Oh my god,” he mumbled, burying his flushed cheeks in his hands. “Even.” 

“What?” Even laughed. “I’m just curious!” 

“Well, I don’t fucking know. Why are you taller than me? It’s just genetics.” 

“I guess,” Even agreed. “I wish my dick was more like yours though. I like your dick.” 

Isak rolled his eyes and shook his head, already dreading when they started talking about prostate glands. “Penis,” he corrected once more. “Now will you fucking pay attention? We’re talking about the circulatory system.” 

Even acquiesced, but there was a smile on his face that didn’t go away until Isak’s blush finally faded. He was flirting, obviously and unabashedly. Isak hoped that he was flirting because he wanted to and not because he was trying to channel his sexual tension with Adrian into the closest target. Just the thought made Isak a little jealous of himself. 

They finished their biology homework within an hour, but neither was ready to leave so they switched to other things—Even to chemistry and Isak to math. Math was nowhere near his best subject and it was slow going as he tried to work through the problem set he was assigned. It also didn’t help that he had left his calculator in his locker. After his third huff of frustration, he gave up trying to do everything by hand and reached out for his phone sitting on the table. Only he realized very quickly that it was not his phone at all because as he clicked the home key to pull up the calculator app, there was a picture waiting for him on the lock screen. A picture of a very naked girl. 

He set the phone down immediately and looked up at Even, already prepared to beg for forgiveness. Even, however, hadn’t noticed anything amiss. His nose was still buried in his textbook and he was obliviously chewing on the end of his pencil. 

Isak considered not saying anything, but he knew he was blushing and he knew Even would know something was up as soon as he looked in his direction. “Uh…” he said, drawing Even’s gaze to him. He took in the younger boy’s blush and raised an eyebrow in question. “I didn’t mean to,” Isak started. “But I thought your phone was mine and…well…” 

Even’s eyes widened in surprise and he reached for his phone immediately, as if he were trying to get it as far away from Isak as he could. Isak ducked his head in shame, hoping that he looked sufficiently apologetic. When Even clicked his phone open, however, he only looked confused, obviously not seeing what he had expected to see there. It didn’t take him long, however, to fully take in the picture that was waiting for him. 

“Fuck,” he groaned, ducking his head into his hands as his cheeks too began to burn. “What the hell, Sonja?” Isak expected him to put his phone away and try to talk his way out of the embarrassing situation, but he unlocked the phone and actually looked at the picture. His gaze didn’t look particularly lascivious, just curious, but it turned Isak’s stomach nevertheless. He hadn’t been jealous before, but now he was. Adrian was sending him nudes, this _girl_ was sending him nudes. How many people did Isak have to beat out before he was first in line? He stopped that train of thoughts in its track. He had no right to be thinking it. He wasn’t even sure Even was what he wanted. 

“Girlfriend?” Isak asked because he thought it might be more awkward not to say anything at all. “She’s pretty.” And, nope, he’d been wrong. _That_ was more awkward than not saying anything at all. 

Even looked at him in shock and then burst out laughing. “She’s pretty?” he asked incredulously. “Her face isn’t even in this picture!” Oh, well, Isak hadn’t noticed that. Even watched him carefully, waiting for some sort of reaction, but when Isak gave him nothing, he snorted. “Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. I’m going to kill her!” 

“It’s my fault,” Isak shrugged. “I shouldn’t have been looking at your phone. Your girlfriend should be able to send nudes whenever she wants.” 

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Even corrected vehemently. “Not anymore. We broke up this summer. I told her it was for real this time, but we’ve been off and on so much—” He paused as his phone vibrated against the table. He looked down to read the message. “Yep,” he said, nodding like his worst suspicions had been confirmed. “She thinks there’s still a chance we could get back together. Fuck.” Isak worried that she might be right. 

He continued staring at the phone in Even’s hand, his thoughts running rampant. “What?” Even asked a minute later. Isak looked up to find Even watching him with a smirk. 

“Oh, nothing, I just—” 

“No, you want to say something,” Even noted. “So just say it.” 

“I just…” Isak flailed a bit. “Who sends nudes at 3:30 in the afternoon?” There was a pause and then they were both laughing again. It took a while for the laughter to die down, but once it did, Isak felt lighter, freer. 

“How long were you together?” Isak asked because he was curious and he wasn’t sure if the topic would ever come up again. _Thank you, Sonja._

Even shrugged, not like he didn’t know, but like he was ashamed of the answer. “Too long,” he admitted. “Ended up being about a year and a half altogether.” Isak quickly did the math in his head, unsurprised to find that they had gotten together shortly after Isak and Even had ended things. Or shortly after Even had ended things. Isak hadn’t had much say in that break up. A pang of sadness shot through his heart and the smile on Even’s face faded, like he knew exactly what Isak was thinking. 

“I shouldn’t have ever started dating her in the first place,” Even admitted. “I was sad and she was there. And very persistent. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, exactly, but she was good to me. She helped me through a lot of crap.” __

_Sounds nice_ , Isak thought. _Having someone there when you need it the most. I wouldn’t know what that feels like._

“You like girls though?” Isak asked. He wasn’t quite sure where he’d gotten the courage to dredge that dark thought up out of the depths of his heart, but he knew it had been sitting there for a long time, just waiting to be asked. 

Even looked across the table at him and gave him a small smile. “I’m pansexual,” he admitted, but his voice was strong and Isak could tell it was something he was proud of. “I thought I was gay for a long time. Because of…well, because of you. For years you were the only person I ever thought about like that.” His blush was back, but he continued talking through it. “After everything that happened, I just wanted to be normal. I was already bipolar, I didn’t need anything else that made me _different_ , and Sonja was there—she was willing. It was easy. Not easy like it was with you, but easy like…it was expected of me. I didn’t have to explain it to anyone, they just _got_ it. When I was with her, I could pretend for a little while that I didn’t like boys too.” 

“But?” Isak prompted, because he could sense that there was a ‘but.’ 

“But,” Even agreed. “I never got over you. One time when Sonja and I were broken up, I got really drunk and was telling one of my friends about you—I was such a wreck that night. I remember saying that I wasn’t sure whether I liked all boys or if it was just you—because it had always just been you, you know?—and he offered to kiss me. To, like, check.” 

Isak shook his head in shock, thoroughly bewildered by where this conversation was going. Why was Even telling him this? 

“So we kissed,” Even sighed. “And it was nice, I think—for a second—but then some asshole we went to school with barged into the room and saw us. The whole school was saying I was gay by Monday and I realized it wasn’t being gay I was scared of, it was having people _know_ I was gay, and now they did. Once that was out in the open, it was easier for me to admit the truth to myself.” 

“That you’re pansexual?” 

Even nodded. There was something about Even’s story that made Isak hopelessly sad. He had so many questions. Who was the friend? Had he been dragged down into the Gay Witch Hunt with Even? Were they still friends? Something told Isak that story didn’t have a particularly happy ending because he remembered what Art had told him just a few days ago about having to change schools because people found out he was gay. 

“You told me you transferred here because you didn’t feel safe at your old school,” Isak remembered, hoping that was something Even had told him and not Art. It was getting more difficult to keep the two separate in his head. Even, once again, nodded. “Is that why?” 

“It was Sonja’s ex that walked in on us. He has a knack for ruining people’s lives if he tries hard enough. He got pissed that Sonja didn’t care about my sexuality or the whole thing with Mikael, and then he got _really_ pissed that she took me back even after that. Most of my friends graduated at the end of last year, including Sonja, but he didn’t. I was scared to go back alone. My therapist thought it might be better to…try something new.” 

Isak’s heart felt full that Even had entrusted him with that information, without any hesitation, but it didn’t escape his notice that Even didn’t ask him any questions about his own sexuality in return. Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe he just knew Isak wasn’t ready—and wasn’t that ironic? Two years later and somehow, their roles had been reversed. Isak was the one scared of letting the world in and Even was the one ready to burn it to the ground. 

* 

Isak thought about his conversation with Even for hours after he got home. First, with melancholy, reliving all of the horrible things he’d had to go through that Isak hadn’t been there to protect him from, but eventually, as he climbed into the shower and his thoughts began to wander, some of the other stuff he’d said came back to him too. 

_It had always just been you._

_For years you were the only person I ever thought about like that._

_I like your dick._

Then he thought back to that picture Sonja had sent and couldn’t help but wonder if Even was going to pull it out later that night and get off to the memory of making love to someone who wasn’t him. He couldn’t stand the thought. Something overcame him then, as the steaming hot water crashed over his body, and the thought began nagging at the back of his mind like an obsession. He was going to make sure Even didn’t think about that picture ever again. Isak was the only one he was allowed to think about like that. 

Despite the fact that he had not even begun to bathe himself, Isak shut off the water, wrapped a towel around his waist to hide his hate boner, and then shuffled back to his bedroom without even bothering to dry off. When he got there, he triple checked that his bedroom door was locked and then tossed the towel onto the bed so that he wouldn’t get his mattress wet before laying down on it and stoking his cock. 

He imagined that he was back on the shore of the lake behind Even’s house, still wet from a swim, and this time it was Even kneeling between his legs rather than the other way around. He imagined Even swallowing him down, taking him so deep that he was gagging. He imagined Even’s fingers caressing his sides lovingly before creeping farther and farther down. He imagined him stroking around his rim, his touch gentle but firm. Maybe he would even flick out his tongue and taste—after all, Art had said rimming was one of his favorite kinks. That, at least, was something that they’d never done. At least not together. 

As Isak’s mind wandered, his hands did too, and soon he was pushing back on two of his own fingers, trying desperately to imagine they were Even’s but not having much success. When he was hard and leaking and his ass was sore in the best way, he finally pulled out his camera. He didn’t have enough hands to really do the picture justice, but he took a few shots and then extracted his fingers from his ass to look through them. His cock had started to flag by the time he found one that he liked. In the picture, his abs were strained and there were drops of water covering his pale skin, making it very clear that he had left his shower for this. His cock was red and flushed against his stomach, pre-come smeared down the length of it, and two of Isak’s long, nimble fingers were buried in his ass up to the second knuckle. It wasn’t the best he’d ever taken, but he was satisfied that it was at least better than Sonja’s. (He spit her name out in his head like it was a curse word.) 

He sent the picture to Art Vandeley before he could second-guess himself and then immediately groaned, crashing back on his pillows and wrapping his hand around his cock once more. He needed to come. He needed to come now. 

By the time his phone dinged with a new message, he had worked himself into a good rhythm, the fingers of his right hand shoved up his ass and his left hand wrapped around his cock. He thought it might be the hardest decision he’d ever had to make choosing which hand to read Even’s text with. Reluctantly, he pulled the hand off his cock (God, he was really going to have to wash his phone), but continued fingering himself, listening as his soft mewls of pleasure filled the otherwise quiet room. 

_Fuuuuuck,_ Art had messaged him. Isak smirked as he thrust back onto his fingers, waiting for Even to say something else. He was a little bummed when a minute passed without another reply, but he was too horny to care. 

_Want me to come for you?_ He typed out clumsily. 

It took a couple minutes for Art to text back and Isak slowed down his movements as he waited, not wanting to come too soon. He had just started to get annoyed by the lack of attention when another message came through. 

_I’m at the movies with my fucking parents and I’m about to jerk off in a public toilet. I hope you’re happy._  
_Stupid me. Of course you’re happy. You have a thing for public toilets_  
_You haven’t finished yet have you?_

_No,_ Isak typed back hastily. _Almost_

_One word responses. You must be close._  
_Okay. Don’t worrying about texting back. Just read. I’m going to make you come so hard._

Isak let out a low groan that vibrated his whole body and set the phone next to him where he could still see it before wrapping his left hand around his cock once more. _Hurry up, Even_ , he begged in his head. _I’m not going to last long._

_God your fingers, baby,_ Even typed. _I wish they were my cock. I wish I could feel you wrapped around me so tight. I’m going to need you to add another finger though okay? Can you do that for me?_

Isak removed the two fingers from his ass without question and then slid a third back in, his body writhing at the stretch that three caused. He rarely used fingers when he was jerking off. It took too much time, required too much lube. It had been a long time since he’d had this much of anything inside of him. He’d forgotten how good it felt. 

_Good boy,_ Even continued after a minute. _Go slow for me. Take care of yourself. Pretend it’s my hand inside of you. Imagine me biting up your thighs, kissing every inch of your body._

“Fuck, yeah,” Isak muttered, quickening the speed of the hand on his cock until he could feel his orgasm waiting just a breath away. 

_If I was there I’d fuck you so good you wouldn’t even remember your own name and then I’d come inside of you because I know you like that. And not just once either. I’d stay inside of you until I got hard again and then we’d do it all over until your belly is full of my come and it’s spilling out of you because your body just can’t hold any more. Would you like that?_

__Isak had to bite down hard on his bottom lip to keep from screaming his assent to the heavens as his orgasm was torn out of him. He didn’t even wait for his body to recover, knowing that Even was probably still in the throes of passion in some bathroom stall across town, and picked up his phone to take one last picture. It was similar to the first, only this time his body was covered in come instead of water and there were three fingers in his ass, not two._ _

____

_____ _

____

He sent the picture, along with a message. _Does it look like I’d like that?_

____

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____

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_____ _

____

It was a few agonizing minutes before Even responded—a few minutes wherein Isak was busy imagining in graphic detail what Even was taking care of for himself since Isak wasn’t there to do it for him. The picture he sent made the wait worth it. 

____

_____ _

____

Even hadn’t been lying. He was clearly in a bathroom stall—and fuck, that kink wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. His cock was falling out of the opening in his pants, limp after it’s recent orgasm, but he was otherwise clothed. The focus of the shot, however, was not on Even’s dick, but on his palm, which was holding a handful of come. Isak’s body flushed all over as he looked at the evidence of the effect he had on him. 

____

_____ _

____

_See_ , he thought to himself smugly. _I can be hotter than Sonja, damn it._

____

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* 

____

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____

Isak was half-asleep when Even messaged him again and for a second he was very, very confused until he realized that it really was Even this time, not Art. 

____

_____ _

____

_My mom wants to know if you want to come over for dinner one night this week_

____

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____

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_____ _

____

Isak’s heart fluttered at the invitation because it suggested that not only had Even told his parents that he and Isak were hanging out again, but that they actually wanted to see him. After all this time. And god, did he want to see them too. Something about the way Even worded the text, however, gave him pause. 

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_Do you want me to come over?_

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_I want you to come over if you want to come over,_ Even responded quickly. _I would love for you to come over. I just know you haven’t been back here since everything went down. We could always go out if that’s what’s stopping you._

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Isak rolled his eyes. _Nothing’s stopping me_

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_You want to come??_

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_Yeah. Just tell me when_

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* 

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Even’s mom cried when she opened the door. She tried not to, but she cried and pulled Isak into a tight hug and then cried some more. Isak was only a little embarrassed to admit that he cried too. 

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Dinner was a pleasant affair. Even’s parents asked a lot of questions about his life and his family—some that were a bit painful to answer—but Even sat next to him through the whole thing, making jokes when the atmosphere got too tense and squeezing Isak’s knee under the table when he felt he needed a little extra support. Although Isak had worried about being back in this place where the memories of the best day of his life and the worst day of his life lurked simultaneously, it was easier than he’d imagined. The Bech Næsheims had gotten new furniture since the last time Isak had been there and the walls had been painted a bright, periwinkle blue that calmed the little bit of anxiety that was still lingering under the surface. 

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After dessert, Even excused them both for his room and Isak followed obediently. His room was much the same as it had been two years before, although it looked like he might have gotten a bigger bed. He certainly needed it. He was a fucking giant now. Isak said as much and Even laughed. 

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“Here, I have something I want to show you,” Even said, digging around the drawers of his desk, clearly looking for something. Isak knew from experience that it would take Even a while to find anything in his mess of a room, so he drifted over to the art wall on Even’s closet door. It had grown in both quantity and quality since the last time Isak had looked at it and he was pleased to find that this wasn’t something Even had abandoned over the years. His drawings had never failed to cheer Isak up. He spotted a few familiar cartoons of either Isak alone or the two of them together and smiled at the memory of watching Even sketch some of these in the small green notebook he used to carry around everywhere. Isak suddenly remembered the picture Even had drawn of him on the very first day they’d met—the one of him dressed as an angel. He knew he’d never thrown it away, but he couldn’t actually remember what he’d done with it. He vowed to look for it once he got back to his apartment. 

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“Found it!” Isak turned, expecting a movie or a drawing or something of that nature, but what he found instead was Even, clutching a joint between his fingertips. 

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Isak rolled his eyes. “Seriously?” 

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“You said we could smoke together some time!” 

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“Yeah,” Isak chuckled. “But I didn’t mean at your parents’ house with them sitting in the next room!” 

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Even raised an amused eyebrow. “You’ve done far dirtier things with me while my parents were sitting in the next room,” he pointed out and Isak blushed, thinking back to a particularly memorable night when Even had gone down on him while the sounds of a _Game of Thrones_ episode blasted from the living room. 

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They ended up opening Even’s bedroom window and smoking out into the night so that hopefully the smell wouldn’t carry throughout the house. After only a few hits, Isak’s body started to feel loose and pliant. Every time Even’s fingers brushed his to pass the joint, it felt like fire was shooting up his arm in the best way. 

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“Are you always this quiet when you smoke?” Even asked after a few minutes and Isak looked over from where he’d been staring out at the skyline to meet Even’s gaze. 

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Isak thought about it. “Pretty much. I usually just smoke with Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi, and between the three of them, it can be hard to get a word in edgewise.” 

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Even smiled and nodded, like he had no trouble believing that. “What does Jonas know about us?” he asked after a few more minutes and Isak felt a frown pull down on his face. 

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“Honestly, I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I never explicitly told him anything and he never asked, but he definitely knew we were…doing things at one point. And when everything fell apart, it was kinda hard to hide the fact that I was messed up. A lot of it was because of my parents, but when you stopped hanging around, I think he put two and two together.” 

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Even’s frown deepened as he took another hit. “He’s been so nice to me,” he said, almost like he couldn’t believe it. 

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“Jonas is a pretty chill dude.” 

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“Yeah,” he shrugged. “But if someone left you like I did, I would hate them forever, just because of that. Nothing else would matter.” __

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_You love me though,_ Isak wanted to point out, but then he corrected himself in his head. _You are_ in love _with me though. Still._ And he knew it was true. 

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“Have you ever shotgunned before?” he asked, all of sudden. Even looked over at him in surprise. 

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“Um, no. Why?” He fidgeted on the window seat nervously and although Isak was apprehensive as well, he tamped down his own nerves and reached out for the joint in Even’s hands. 

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“Because I want to try it. You game?” Even stared into Isak’s eyes for a long time, like he had been hypnotized by them, before he finally nodded, although he looked so distracted that he could have been agreeing to anything. “Okay, come here.” 

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He scooted forward until he was almost in Even’s lap. He didn’t want to encroach on his personal space further without permission, but they still weren’t quite close enough. Sensing the problem, Even grabbed Isak by the hips and pulled him all the way onto his lap without hesitation. He could feel the hardness in Even’s pants underneath him, but Even didn’t seem ashamed and it would be hypocritical of Isak to judge him for it, considering he was already half-hard as well. 

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He fumbled with the joint for a second before finally raising it to his lips. “Ready?” he asked and watched Even nod as he took the hit. He held the smoke in his mouth, trying not to cough, and then leaned forward the short distance separating them to breathe it out into Even’s waiting mouth. 

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The smoke fogged up around them like a curtain until everything else was just a blur and all he could see were Even’s blue eyes staring back at him. Their lips rested against each other in a way that was somehow even more intimate than a kiss and Isak knew that if he waited any longer, he was going to lose his nerve, so he steeled himself and, as the smoke began to fade, closed his mouth on Even’s bottom lip until they were kissing. 

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His head was fuzzy from the weed, but his lips instantly tingled with the contact and he could feel the kiss everywhere, from the tips of his toes to top of his head, and all inside of him too, every nerve ending buzzing with energy and his heart beating out a very welcome hello as it finally found it’s way home. It was a short kiss, so short Isak almost couldn’t believe it had ever happened, but when he pulled away, Even looked just as dazed as he was and he knew he had felt it too. He was seconds away from diving back in when there was a hesitant knock on Even’s bedroom door. 

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The two boys froze for one harrowing second before jumping into action. “One second!” Even cried, his voice far from sounding anywhere close to normal. He ripped the joint out of Isak’s fingers and put it out in the cup resting between them as Isak tried to fan some of the smoke out of the room before shutting the window. 

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All in all, it was probably a whole minute before Even was able to crack his door open, looking very disheveled. Isak watched over Even’s shoulder as his mom cocked an eyebrow in a way very reminiscent of her son and smirked between the two of them. “Having fun?” 

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“Mom,” Even groaned and she just smiled. 

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“Isak, I fixed you some leftovers to take home,” she said, holding up three containers of food for him to see. “You’re welcome to stay, of course, but it is getting late. If you want me to drive you home, we should probably go now.” 

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Isak nodded. “Thank you, that would be great.” 

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Even still looked a bit out of it and Isak had to physically move him out of the way so that he could step around him to get out of the room. “I’ll see you later?” he asked, hoping that his kiss hadn’t ruined what they’d been trying so hard to rebuild. Even seemed surprised to hear his voice and nodded, finally turning his attention fully to the younger boy. 

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“Yeah,” he said, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then he smiled a smile so blinding that Isak forgot all of his worries and just let Even’s mom lead him out of the house. He was floating on air the whole way home. 

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* 

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As soon as Isak’s high faded, however, he started freaking out. He spent the rest of the week avoiding both Even and Art Vandeley, making up random, off the wall excuses for why he couldn’t attend their usual study sessions after school. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Even. It wasn’t even that he didn’t want to kiss him again. The real problem was that he didn’t know what he wanted. Or, more accurately, he was scared to death of what he wanted because he wanted it so bad—had wanted it for so long—that the possibility of having it ripped away might just kill him. 

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Even was smart enough to see right through what he was doing, but he never called Isak out on it, never even seemed annoyed by it. He was so chill that Isak began to worry that maybe that was what Even wanted as well—to put some distance between them, to forget the kiss had ever happened at all. 

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Or maybe he was just being nice. 

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He was so confused and looking for anything to take his mind off of Even, that even Jonas’s announcement that they were going to a party hosted by Emma on Friday sounded like a welcome distraction. 

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“Did you invite Even?” he asked when he was sure Magnus and Mahdi weren’t paying them any attention. 

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Jonas shook his head. “You’ve been acting weird around him the past few days. I figured you could use the break.” Isak sighed gratefully, clapping him on the back. What did he do to deserve a friend like Jonas? 

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* 

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The four boys were pre-gaming at Isak’s, laughing and joking around, teasing Magnus about his failed attempt at anal sex with Vilde, when, after only two beers, they decided to turn on Isak instead. 

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“So, you’re hooking up with Emma tonight, right?” Mahdi asked. Like it was expected. Like he was a total failure for not having done it before. 

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“I thought you already hooked up?” Magnus asked and Isak, for the life of him, couldn’t remember what lie he had fed them when they’d left him and Emma alone in the bathroom at Eva’s party before the school year started. Did he tell them she’d given him a blowjob or not? Shit, he couldn’t remember. 

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He waved the question off. “I’m over her. She’s too clingy.” 

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“Dude, she’s hot,” Mahdi countered. “Who the fuck cares if she’s clingy?” 

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“Uh, me,” Isak pointed out. “You’re not the one who has to field two hundred texts a day every time you get her hopes up. A blow job isn’t worth that.” 

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The boys then began debating what exactly a blowjob was worth and quickly decided that Isak had his priorities backwards. “Unless there’s someone else,” Magnus prompted. “Someone who gives better blowjobs, maybe?” Isak wasn’t sure if he was asking or if he was insinuating something, so he downed his third beer in three gulps and just gave an exaggerated shrug. 

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“There’s no one else!” he cried. “Jeez, just leave me alone.” 

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He was already drunk by the time they arrived at the party and within minutes he was even drunker. When Emma finally found him, he was literally backed into a corner and the room was spinning dangerously. 

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“There you are!” she cried, her voice shrill as she yelled over the music pounding in his ears. “I’ve been looking all over for you!” And then she was off, talking about Maria and some guy she was hooking up with, talking about the horrible day she’d had at school and the homework she was going to have to dedicate her weekend to. Isak couldn’t take anymore. He couldn’t stand there, head spinning, and listen to her drivel on about her life, so he leaned forward and he kissed her. He thought it would be a quick kiss and then he could excuse himself, find Jonas and get him to take him home where he could throw up in peace, but Emma deepened the kiss immediately, obviously not caring that they were in a crowded room, surrounded by their classmates. 

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If anyone was watching them, they might have noticed that Isak’s hands were locked firmly at his sides, one clenched into a fist and the other holding a half-finished beer. It seemed to escape Emma’s notice, however, because she just pulled him closer, weaseling her fingers into his hair and forcing his mouth open so that she could lick inside. She tasted like stale beer and it felt like she was slobbering into his mouth. It turned Isak’s stomach. 

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“Emma, wait,” he said, trying to pull back, but she either didn’t hear him or didn’t care enough to stop because she reeled him back in, kissing him deeper, harder, and her right hand snacked down to the front of his pants where Isak knew she wouldn’t find what she was looking for. He opened his eyes, still letting her kiss him, but no longer kissing her back, and scanned the room, hoping Jonas was already on his way over to save him. He couldn’t find Jonas, but he did find Even. 

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He was standing all the way across the room, watching Isak with the saddest eyes he had ever seen. When he noticed Isak looking at him, he didn’t shy away from the glance, just raised his chin in defiance and cocked an eyebrow. Immediately, Isak pushed Emma away, perhaps a little too roughly if her “Hey!” was anything to judge by. 

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“I’m sorry,” he said, already pushing past her. “I think I’m going to be sick.” 

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He lost sight of Even as he ran towards the front door, but his words weren’t a lie. As soon as he made it out onto the grass, he was vomiting into the bushes. His aim was off, however, and most of it ended up landing on him instead of the ground. Just fucking great. He was dirty and he was sweating and he felt horrible, not to mention the fact that unless he could find Jonas, he had no way of getting home. 

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“It’s okay,” he heard as his stomach gave another heave. A warm hand began rubbing soothing circles on his back. “Get it all out.” 

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It took a few more minutes before his stomach emptied itself completely and Even stood with him the whole time, wiping his sweat-slick hair out of his eyes and offering Isak a bottle of water any time he stopped throwing up for longer than ten seconds. 

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“Thanks,” he finally said, accepting the drink as he collapsed down onto the grass. Even made an aborted move to stop him, probably because he sat half in his own sick, but Isak was too drunk to care. 

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“Isak,” Even said and it somehow managed to sound both exasperated and fond. “What are you doing? Are you _crying_?” 

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Isak hadn’t thought so, but now that Even mentioned it, he could feel the tears cooling on his cheeks. “Why do they want me to kiss her? I only want to kiss you.” 

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“Oh, baby,” he sighed. He grabbed Isak’s arms and tried to pull him up, but Isak had no desire to get up and he ended up falling back to the ground instead. 

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“Do you remember the first time we got drunk?” he asked, looking up at Even with wide, hopeful eyes. 

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“Barely,” Even said with an eye roll, but Isak knew he was making a joke because he could see the memory reflected in his eyes. 

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“We stole your mom’s birthday cake flavored vodka,” Isak reminded him. “So much of it! And then we filled the bottle back up with water because we thought she wouldn’t be able to tell.” 

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“Yeah,” Even agreed, trying to heave Isak up once more. This time he let him. “Then we spent the rest of the night throwing up in my bathroom and promised never to speak of it again.” 

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Isak grimaced. “Oops. I forgot.” 

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“It’s fine,” Even huffed out a laugh. “I think we’re past the statute of limitations for that one.” Then, “I haven’t been able to drink vodka since.” 

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“Me either!” Isak cried, his face lighting up at the realization that they had something in common. 

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“Okay, let’s get you out of here,” Even grinned. “There’s a cab waiting for us down by the road. You feel like you can make it another fifteen minutes without throwing up?” Isak winced doubtfully. “That’s what I thought.” 

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He dragged Isak to the car and got him situated in the backseat before shutting the door and saying a few words to the driver. He had already started walking away when Isak realized he wasn’t staying. “Wait!” he yelled out the window, tears once again building behind his eyes. “Don’t leave me.” 

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Even turned around and smiled at him fondly. Isak didn’t think anyone had ever looked at him like that before, especially not when he was acting as clingy as he was right then. Especially not when he was drunk and probably smelled like vomit. “Isak, I’m coming right back,” he said and the tone of his voice made it very clear that was not the first time he’d told him that. 

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Isak nodded and watched as Even disappeared back into the house. He counted the seconds until he returned again. One hundred sixty-three seconds. He beamed when he saw him walk out the front door, carrying what looked like a large plastic bowl in his hand. 

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“Okay,” he said, climbing into the backseat where Isak immediately latched onto his side like a small child. “We can go now.” 

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The taxi driver apparently knew where they were headed because he took off immediately. 

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“What’s that for?” Isak asked, looking down at the bowl in Even’s hands. 

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“That,” Even smiled, “is for when you need to throw up again. I’m not paying extra for you to mess up this nice man’s car.” 

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“I would never!” Isak cried, appalled at the very thought. 

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Even reached out and ran his fingers through Isak’s damp curls. “I know you wouldn’t, baby.” 

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It was less than five minutes later before Isak started throwing up again. Even held him through it, alternating between whispering soothing words in his ear and apologizing to the cab driver. By the time they got back to his apartment, Isak was crying again. 

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Even got him out onto the sidewalk and dumped the puke bucket onto the grass before handing it back to Isak and ducking his head into the taxi to pay their fare. You could practically hear the “good riddance” as the driver pulled away. 

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“Okay, come on,” Even said, leading him into the building. “Do you know if Eskild’s home?” Isak shrugged. “Do you have your keys on you?” Once again, Isak shrugged. Even sighed. “You’re not making this easy, you know that?” Isak immediately started crying harder, sobbing around half-formed apologies. “No, no, no, baby,” Even laughed, pulling Isak closer to his side. “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re perfect, okay? We just need to get you inside.” 

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Thankfully, Eskild answered the door when Even knocked. “What the—what happened?” 

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“Long story,” Even muttered. “Can I come in?” 

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“If you’re volunteering to help with him, then yes, please. God, what is that smell?” Even let out an annoyed grunt and then stepped into the apartment with Isak by his side. 

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Isak half-listened as Even and Eskild talked next to him, but as he looked around the room and caught sight of the beer cans he, Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi had left earlier, he suddenly remembered something very important. “Even,” he said, pulling on the sleeve of his jacket like a child might when trying to get the attention of their parent. Even broke off his conversation with Eskild and hummed. “I didn’t tell Jonas I was leaving. He’s going to think Emma ate me.” 

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Eskild snorted, but immediately clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from making any more noise. 

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“I talked to Jonas,” Even assured him. “He knows you’re safe. Now, come on. We need to get you out of those clothes.” 

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“You need to get him in a shower,” Eskild corrected. “What did you do? Puke all over yourself?” 

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Even and Isak both ignored his last question. “Where’s the bathroom?” Even asked instead and Eskild pointed him in the right direction. 

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“I’ll grab him some clothes.” 

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Even let Isak into the bathroom and flipped on the light switch, which immediately had Isak collapsing to the floor so that he could cradle his head in his knees to escape the light. “Warn me next time, will ya?” 

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“Sure, Isak,” Even said sarcastically, but even drunk, Isak could hear the smile in his voice. “Next time I flip the lights, I’ll warn you first.” Isak’s head was still buried in his knees, but he listened as Even began bustling around the small bathroom. “I’m going to run some warm water. See if we can get you cleaned up. Do you feel any better? Do you think you’re done throwing up?” Isak shrugged, but the movement didn’t make him nauseous, so he thought that was probably a good sign. He heard the water turn on from the other side of the room. “Do you usually get this drunk? Because if you do, I’m officially worried.” 

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“Only when I have to kiss girls.” 

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Even was quiet for so long that Isak finally opened his eyes, blinking against the harsh florescent light. When he looked up, Even was staring at him worriedly, his hand placed under the tap to judge the temperature of the water. “Isak, you never have to kiss anyone you don’t want to, okay?” Isak nodded, but it must not have seemed very convincing because Even continued. “Promise me.” 

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“What?” Isak mumbled, closing his eyes once more. 

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“Promise me,” Even repeated, louder this time. “Promise me you won’t kiss anyone else you don’t want to kiss.” 

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Isak hesitated. “But what if it’s you I don’t want to kiss?” 

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Even’s reply was adamant. “ _Especially_ then. Promise?” 

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Eventually, after thinking it through, Isak nodded. “Promise.” 

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“Good.” 

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Isak had started to nod off when Eskild opened the door a minute later, a pile of clothes in his hand. “I got some stuff for both of you,” he said to Even. “Let me know if you need anything.” And then he was gone again. 

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“Okay, Isak,” Even said, pulling his hand out from underneath the stream of water and closing the drain so that the tub started to fill. “Let’s get you clean. Can you take your clothes off for me?” 

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“All of them?” Isak asked immediately. He wasn’t completely opposed to the idea, but he wanted to make sure. 

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“You can keep your underwear on,” Even chuckled. 

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Isak tried to do as he was asked, but he quickly got himself tangled in his shirt and couldn’t figure out how to work his way out. “Help!” he cried. “I’m trapped.” 

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Even laughed from across the room and Isak listened as he made his way over, a shadow blocking out the overhead light as he kneeled in front of him. “Arms up,” he commanded. Within seconds, Even had freed him. “Need help with your pants too?” 

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Despite everything they’d been through that night, Isak felt himself blush. “No, I think I can get that.” 

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Even grinned. “Good.” 

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It took a little finagling, but Isak finally managed to wriggle out of his shoes, socks, and pants, leaving him standing in only a faded pair of red plaid boxers. Even gave him a cursory glance, not really _looking_ , just making sure that he’d done as asked. “Okay, come here. The water feels good.” 

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Suddenly, however, the thought of climbing into a bathtub while wearing boxers seemed ridiculous. Why would he do that when he could just take them off instead? Surely Even wouldn’t mind. He liked Isak’s dick. He’d said so. 

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So without Even noticing, Isak kicked off his boxers and then waddled over to the bathtub and climbed in, paying no attention to Even as he splashed water all over the floor. When he finally got settled, he looked up to find Even gaping at him. “What?” 

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“Wha—?” Even started. “Isak, I told you to keep your underwear on.” 

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“But why? I don’t mind. You’ve seen it before.” 

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“Now you don’t,” Even muttered. “But tomorrow…” He heaved an aggrieved sigh, but let the conversation drop. “Here,” he said, passing Isak a rag he’d coated in soap. “Wash off.” 

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Isak tried, he really did, but he was tired and the washcloth was heavy. He looked up, trying his best to look pitiful, and found Even watching him, thoroughly unimpressed. “I think you’re going to have to do it instead.” 

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Even rolled his eyes, but Isak didn’t miss the way his lips pulled up at the corners. “Fine, give it here.” Isak passed over the rag, expecting Even to pamper him with soft strokes and massages to his shoulders, but Even was having none of that. He washed him off thoroughly but clinically, running the rag down Isak’s body faster than was completely comfortable, but not fast enough to cause any pain. 

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“You’re supposed to make it feel good,” Isak pointed out. 

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“Next time,” Even said, reaching into the water to grab Isak’s foot and running the rag over that as well. Finally, Even had washed everything down except the skin Isak’s boxers would have covered if he were still wearing them. Isak pouted. 

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“You’re not done,” he pointed out. 

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“Oh, I’m done,” Even promised, passing the rag back over. “If you want that clean, you’re going to have to do it yourself.” Isak did, surprised to find that his dick didn’t seem as interested in the night’s activities as he thought it would be. 

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“Wake up, little guy,” he murmured to it, stroking it like he would a kitten. 

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“Oh my god, Isak,” Even laughed. 

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“What? He’s sleeping.” 

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“Yeah, that happens when you drink a gallon of beer,” Even pointed out. “Turn around for me.” Isak was about to do as asked when he paused. 

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“Why?” he asked suspiciously. 

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“So I can wash your hair,” Even answered calmly. 

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“My hair’s not dirty, though.” 

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“Your everything is dirty, Isak. Please just turn around.” 

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Isak, however, was done being accommodating. “No. Why do I have to take a bath, but you don’t.” 

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“Because I didn’t throw up all over myself!” 

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Isak felt nice and warm enveloped in the bath Even had run for him, safe even, and, more than anything, he wanted Even to feel nice and warm and safe too. He’d been so kind to Isak, putting up with the tears and the vomit. Even deserved a bath too. He was too drunk to really think about the consequences of pulling a full grown man into a small bathtub, especially a bathtub already filled with another full grown man, so it didn’t even occur to him that it could be dangerous. He reached out and pulled, taking Even completely by surprise as he fell into the water, hitting his head hard on the side of the tub on the way down. 

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“Ow, fuck,” he cried, immediately cradling his head. Isak’s hand flew to his mouth, terrified at what he’d just done, and tears were already spilling from his eyes when Even started laughing. “I guess I should have been expecting that, huh?” he grinned, looking over at Isak for the first time, his clothes already soaked through. “Shit, Isak, it’s fine. I’m okay.” But Isak’s quiet tears had already turned into wracking sobs by that point and there was no going back. “Shh, baby, come here.” 

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Even reached out and slid Isak into his arms, sloshing even more water onto their already soaked floor, and Isak curled into his shoulder, crying into the soaked fabric of his sweatshirt as Even leaned against the side of the tub. “I’m s-sorry,” Isak cried, but Even just held him tighter, running his slippery fingers down the bare skin of his back. 

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“Isak, I’m fine,” he repeated and then continued to shush him until the tears subsided and Isak pulled away from his shoulder. “Oh, baby,” Even sighed, wiping the tears away from Isak’s cheeks with his thumbs and then, when that didn’t work since his fingers were wet too, kissed them away instead. At the feel of Even’s lips against his skin, Isak’s crying stopped altogether. “You’re a wreck tonight.” 

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Isak let out a choked off laugh because he knew it was true. He looked up into Even’s eyes and at the sight of his wet hair and eyelashes was immediately transported once more to that night at the lake. “You’re beautiful,” he said. “You’re the most beautiful man in the world.” 

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“Now I know that’s not true,” Even joked. 

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“You are though!” Isak argued and he was about to say more, but Even interrupted him. 

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“I know it’s not true because I’m not even the most beautiful man in this bathtub.” Under usual circumstances, that probably would have embarrassed Isak, but as it was, he couldn’t help but smile brightly. “Now will you please turn around for me, babe. I need to wash your hair.” 

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____

Figuring it was the least Isak could do after he’d nearly brained him, he turned around in the tub so that his back was to Even and then sat there patiently waiting as he heard Even dropping some of his soaked garments onto the floor with a wet _plop_. When he finally felt fingers running through his hair, Isak turned to try to catch a glimpse of just how naked Even was, but he was disappointed to find that he had only taken off his shirt and jacket. 

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“Lean back for me,” Even commanded. Isak did as asked and Even used a plastic cup on the side of the bathtub to wet his hair before lathering it with shampoo. And the way that his fingernails felt as they ran through Even’s hair…It was heavenly. Isak moaned at his touch, loud and long, like he was getting fucked. “You like that?” Even asked. 

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“Never fucking stop.” Eventually, however, he did stop, rinsing Isak’s hair with the same cup he’d used to wet it. “We should do this every night,” Isak noted. Then, looking down into his lap, “Hey, look. My dick woke up.” 

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Even snorted and Isak felt him rest his head between his shoulder blades, like he needed a minute to compose himself after Isak’s words. Isak couldn’t help but laugh. “God, I hope you remember this in the morning,” Even said when he finally moved away, placing one chaste kiss on Isak’s back, and then standing. Isak turned in surprise to see him hovering above him, water dripping off of his jeans in rivulets. “Come on. Up, up. Let’s get you to bed.” 

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Even got them both out of the bathtub without any injuries and wrapped Isak in a nice, warm towel before draining the bath and pulling off his own jeans and underwear. He passed Isak some pajamas to change into and then dressed himself. He ended up having to dress Isak too. 

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Once they were both clothed, he led Isak down the hall to his bedroom. “Turning on the light,” he warned as they stepped into the room and Isak rolled his eyes as the light came on. 

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“You think you’re so fucking funny.” 

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Even got him into bed without much difficulty and tucked him under the covers. Isak’s eyes were already starting to close when he realized Even wasn’t lying next to him. “Wait,” he said, sitting up. “Where are you going?” 

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“I’m not going anywhere,” Even promised. “I just need to clean the bathroom a bit so Eskild doesn’t slip and kill himself in the middle of the night.” Isak nodded sagely. God, his boyfriend was so smart. He lay back down and closed his eyes. 

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“Turning off the light,” Even joked and then Isak heard him step out of the room. 

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* 

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He might have been dreaming, but when Even climbed into bed some time later and curled up behind him, Isak could have sworn he placed a kiss on the top of his head and whispered, “I love you.” 

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____


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a dirty dream about having sex in a church, so if that's something that weirds you out, skip the section that starts with "That night Isak had what was, quite possibly, the dirtiest dream he’d ever had in his entire life." No one actually has sex in a church and Isak admits that it's a really fucking weird thing to dream about, okay?

Isak woke up the next morning to a pounding headache and an arm wrapped tightly around him. Memories from the night before came back to him slowly and he knew he should probably be embarrassed, but he just wasn’t. He couldn’t be. Not when his actions had resulted in Even holding him through the night, staving off any potential nightmares. It felt so good to be held—to be loved—that it made whatever embarrassment he might have felt worth it. Just like in the bath the night before, he felt warm, he felt safe, and it had been so long since he'd felt either of those things that he also felt a little bit like crying. 

He knew Even was awake because he could feel his hand stroking through his hair, over and over, like maybe he had been doing it all night, and he was glad he wouldn't have to lie there for hours, pretending to be asleep until Even decided to sneak out. Obviously he wasn’t planning on leaving any time soon. 

He also didn't seem to care that his hard-on was pressing into Isak's ass, but Isak didn't begrudge him that. He had one of his own, but it wasn't urgent. It wasn't anything that needed to be dealt with right away. 

Slowly, Isak turned in Even's arms so that they were facing each other and he almost laughed at the tangle of hair on top of Even’s head, but then remembered that his probably didn't look much better. Even re-adjusted his grip so that Isak was more comfortable, but he didn't let him go. The hand that had been stroking his hair moved to his back and continued its steady, rhythmic movements. 

"Morning, sleepy head," Even smiled, his voice thick from disuse. 

Isak crinkled his nose and buried his face in the Jesus T-shirt Even had borrowed from him. "What time is it?" he asked. 

“Just after noon now," Even said, leaning back to check the clock. "How’s your head?" 

Isak grimaced, but then remembered something else from the night before and pulled away from Even, his face now full of concern. "How's _your_ head?" 

" _My_ head's fine," Even chuckled. "I'm not the one who drank half the city last night." 

"Not that," Isak rolled his eyes and pulled his hand out from underneath him so that he could rest it on the back of Even's head where he had hit it on the bathtub the night before. Even hissed at the touch and Isak recoiled, but not before he felt the knot under his fingertips. "Oh god, I am so sorry!" 

"Isak, seriously, I’m fine," Even said, grabbing his hand and kissing his knuckles. 

"You don't know that!” Isak argued. “What if you have internal bleeding? What if you're dying right now and you don't even know it?" 

Even smiled softly and reached out to run a hand through Isak's curls, which were even curlier than usual after his bath the night before. "What a way to go." 

Isak allowed himself to melt for only a second before the worry crept in once more. "You could have a concussion. You could—" 

"I'll tell my mom as soon as I get home," Even interrupted fondly and that, at least, calmed Isak down. Even's mom was a nurse. 

"Okay," he agreed. "I guess that'll work." 

Even rolled his eyes, but there was no real bite to it as he stared at Isak, looking up at him like he had never seen him properly before. After a full minute, during which time Isak blushed up a storm, Even finally moved away and tried to sit up. Isak, however, quickly pulled him back down. 

"I just want to make us lunch!" Even laughed, but he curled around Isak tighter, like he could sense just how badly he didn’t want to let him go—like he could feel it too. "I've been awake for hours. I'm starving." 

Isak shook his head. "No, stay." Even, of course, did as asked and then the two of them just lay there, staring at each other in wonder, both surprised that somehow they had found their way back to each other after all the time they spent apart. There wasn't anything particularly romantic about what they were doing, but it felt so familiar to wake up in each other's arms, all sleepy and loose, rooting closer to the other like a flower growing towards the sunlight. It occurred to Isak then that while it wasn't particularly romantic, it wasn't exactly platonic either. This certainly wasn't something he could ever imagine doing with Jonas. Once again, it was like they were stuck in this nebulous place between friends and more than friends. That’s how it had always been with them. 

"Can I ask you a question?" Even said after a few minutes and Isak nodded. His heart, which had been chugging along sluggishly, finally kicked into high gear at the request because there were so many questions that needed to be asked. What were they? What were they _doing_? And shit, there was the whole thing with Art Vandeley—had Even found out about that? "I don't mean to pry and I know it's none of my business, but….Are you okay? I just—God, Isak. You scared the shit out of me last night. First with the drinking, then with the crying. I haven't seen you that messed up since everything went down with your mom the first time." 

When Isak looked up, the soft glow that had hung around them since they woke faded. Now he saw everything he'd missed on first inspection: the dark circles around Even’s eyes, the lines on his forehead. His earlier assumption might not have been that far off. Even didn't look like he'd slept at all. 

He thought about lying, but Even had been so good to him the night before. He at least owed him an explanation. “I don’t know,” he admitted and Even looked, if possible, even more sad. 

“Isak, what happened to you?” He reached out to run his hand over Isak’s cheek and Isak leaned into the touch, knowing that the next words out of his mouth were going to hurt Even, but also knowing that he had to say them. 

“You,” he admitted. “You happened.” 

Even inhaled sharply and the fingers that had been playing with Isak’s hair paused for only a second before they began moving again. “You were ready to come out when we were together before,” Even remembered. It wasn’t a question. “What changed?” 

Isak sighed and rolled away from him so that he was lying down on his back, staring up at the ceiling. “I was ready to come out because coming out meant I got to be with you. When you were gone, there was no point to it anymore.” 

“No,” Even agreed, rolling onto his back as well. His hand came to rest right next to Isak’s, their pinky fingers just barely touching. “But there’s a big difference between being gay but not telling anybody, and being gay but forcing yourself to kiss girls on the weekends because that’s what you think people expect of you.” 

“That _is_ what people expect of me,” Isak pointed out, thinking back to Mahdi and Magnus’s heckling the night before. 

What he didn’t say was that the very thought of coming out made him feel sick to his stomach because the last time he’d said those words, his whole world had been uprooted. On his darkest days, he thought about the Bible verses he’d heard as a child—the Bible verses his mom still sent him sometimes—and he became convinced that everything bad in his life was some sort of punishment for being gay. Like his homosexuality was a curse that had damned both his mother and Even. 

“I just don’t want to watch you drink yourself into a stupor to be able to kiss some girl you don’t even like,” Even said when they had been quiet for too long. He paused and turned his head on the pillow to look over at Isak, but Isak didn’t have the courage to meet his gaze. He did, however, find the strength to reach out and take Even’s hand in his. “I know how much it sucks to be forced out of the closet before you’re ready, but I also know how much it sucks to hide a part of yourself that you’re really proud of because you’re scared of how it’ll make other people feel. It’s your life, Isak. Live it how you want to.” 

* 

It was over an hour later before Isak was willing to relinquish Even’s hand to let him make them lunch. They ate their sandwiches in bed and, when that was done, piled back under the covers where they whispered to each other like children, telling stories from the years they’d missed out on. 

At one point, Isak feigned cold so that he could pull the duvet over both of their heads, blocking out the light from the window until all Isak could see was the outline of Even’s body and his sparkling blue eyes. For a second it was like they were back under that blue blanket fort in Even’s room, and the urge to lean forward and kiss him was so strong that he had to fight it with every ounce of strength that he had. He didn’t think Even would mind if he did—he was letting Isak lay on his chest, after all, stroking his back like a lover would—but he wasn’t quite ready to take that step. Dating Even was no small thing. It wasn’t like asking a stranger to a dance or hooking up with someone from Tinder. There was a permanence to it. It wouldn’t be a fling or a simple high school romance. It would be Isak’s whole world. It would be his forever. And forever was an awfully long time to think about at eighteen. 

They cuddled together under their half-assed blanket fort for hours until Even’s mom called asking when he was coming home. He extricated Isak’s fingers from where they were latched onto his sweatshirt, kissed him on the forehead, and then pulled the covers back, finally forcing both of them back into reality. 

“I’ll see you at school?” Even asked as he slipped his shoes on, reaching out to squeeze Isak’s hand one last time. Isak blushed under the attention and nodded. 

As soon as Even was gone, Isak hopped out of bed and began tearing his bedroom apart, searching for something he hadn’t seen in seven years: the picture Even had drawn for him ( _of him_ , Isak corrected himself) on the very first day they met. He’d thought of it at the Bech Næsheims a few nights prior, but he’d completely forgotten his vow to find it until he was settled against Even’s side, staring up at a piece of fabric hovering right above their noses. He _had_ to find that picture. He wasn’t sure why it was so important to him, but it was. It would feel like a sign, somehow, if he could find it now, when they were on the cusp of starting something again. Like maybe everything they’d been through had been destined from the start. 

He knew it was a long shot, finding it in his apartment, but he searched nevertheless. He dug through his dresser and the drawers in his bedside tables; he searched through his closet, even going so far as to dig through the pockets of each of his old jackets; he opened boxes he hadn’t touched since he moved in; he rifled through the loose-leaf paper buried at the bottom of his backpack. He found nothing, just as he knew he would. 

It was late when he finally gave up, collapsing back onto his bed that still smelled like Even. The scent wasn’t enough to soothe him, however, and he stayed awake all night, tossing and turning, wondering if it was some sort of sign that this relic from his childhood, something that he associated with Even and their relationship, was suddenly no where to be found 

* 

Isak thought about that picture all night and when he finally fell asleep around four in the morning, he dreamed of it too—only the angel in his dream had red eyes instead of green, and it looked more like a demon. 

By Monday, Isak knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate in class, so he didn’t even bother going. Instead, he took a tram across town, praying that his mom wouldn’t be home. To his immense relief, she wasn’t. 

He let himself in the front door with his spare key and was pleasantly surprised to find that the house was in order. There were no clothes lying on the floor, no dust piled up on the mantle. _She must be doing well_ , he thought. It was hard to tell sometimes with all of the Bible verses she sent. 

He searched the common areas first, the junk closet under the stairs and the box of keepsakes that his mom kept in her bedroom. When that turned up nothing, he wandered into his old room instead. He wasn’t expecting the surge of emotions that shot through him at the sight of it. 

The room was simultaneously familiar and not. The layout was the same, but the things that had made it Isak’s—his posters, his books, all of the knickknacks on his shelves, the _duvet_ —those were all gone. Still, there was something about the smell of it—something in the very air—that had him replaying the sound of his and Even’s laughter in his head. He had so many memories in this room. _They_ had so many memories in this room. He swallowed down the tears welling in his throat and began a thorough excavation of his bedroom, determined to find that drawing. 

He looked for an hour and a half, but was eventually forced to concede defeat. It wasn’t there. A part of him wondered if it had ever been there in the first place or if he’d just made it up in his head. He considered asking Even, but thought it might scare him away to know that Isak was placing so much importance on the doodle of an eleven-year-old. 

He carefully re-organized everything that he’d wrecked and then stepped out of the room, throwing one last longing look over his shoulder before he turned off the light and abandoned the room completely. He dropped a note on the kitchen table before he left to let his mom know he’d stopped by to pick up some clothes. He knew she would get paranoid if she noticed something amiss and didn’t have an explanation as to why. 

It wasn’t until he was on the tram back home that he checked the messages on his phone and groaned. Fuck, he probably should have told his friends he wouldn’t be at school. He texted the boys back in the group chat, making up some lie about how he’d overslept and couldn’t be bothered to show up late, and then opened the message from Even. 

_The boys said you’re not at school today. Still want me to come over this afternoon to study?_  
_Or not study. Up to you ;)_

Isak huffed out a laugh as he read the text and even though he wanted to take Even up on his offer, something stopped him. His head didn’t feel like it was screwed on straight right now. He needed to sleep. He needed to _think_. 

_Rain check?_ he texted back. 

Within seconds, Even had sent him the thumbs up emoji in reply. 

When he was finally lying comfortably in his bed back home, he opened Grindr and found a message from Art Vandeley as well—the first one in days. Isak had started to hope that maybe Even was getting bored with Adrian, that maybe Isak was enough for him. How quickly he lost interest. 

_You okay? I haven’t talked to you in a few days._  
_I miss your dick_

Despite the fact that Isak was in a sour mood, the message cheered him up. It was probably a bad sign that Even seemed to be the only person who could get him to smile when he was also the one causing him so much confusion. Why was Even even bothering with him? Both of them? All Isak ever did was pull him in, lead him on, and give him nothing in return. It was a question he never would have had the guts to voice aloud, but hiding behind the mask of Adrian Eksett, he found the courage to ask. 

_Why do you talk to me?_ _You have to know by now I’m not actually going to put out._

Even didn’t reply until school let out. _Because I get the feeling you need someone to talk to._ Isak swallowed hard as he read the words over and over again. _And so do I._

* 

That night Isak had what was, quite possibly, the dirtiest dream he’d ever had in his entire life. He was back in the church he and Even had shared as children—and it was astounding, really, just how well his mind could remember the place when all he’d tried to do for years was forget it—and, for some unknown reason, he was laying spread-eagled on top of the communion table, each of his limbs tied down with a soft strip of cloth. He was also very, very naked. 

It was just him for a long time, alone in the huge sanctuary like he was some sort of sacrifice. Although he couldn’t touch himself, he watched in fascination as his cock rose to the occasion anyway, like it knew exactly what was coming. It wasn’t until he was fully hard and straining against his bindings that Even showed up. 

He smirked down at him like a demon and then, without a word, joined him on the table and began licking and nipping at his entire body until Dream Isak was begging for release, _praying_ for it. As if he’d just been waiting for permission, Even straddled his hips and sank down onto his cock with no hesitation, riding him hard and fast as “Take Me to Church” played in the background. 

Each time Dream Even sank down on top of him, it punched the breath right out of Isak’s lungs until he was light-headed and dizzy, but he didn’t fucking care. He would die like this, a sacrificial lamb at the altar, if he just got to feel Even for one more minute. If he could spill his seed inside of him, just once. 

His orgasm was lurking just beneath the surface, but he wasn’t ready for it to be over. “Worship me, baby,” Even said, speaking for the first time, and then, as the church bells began to chime, Isak came with a full-body shudder. 

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Isak woke up at the sound of his alarm, covered in come, and ironically feeling like he really needed to go to church. 

* 

**Art Vandeley**

Have you ever dreamed about having sex in a church? 

You have no fucking idea 

* 

The dream bothered him all day, and not just in a "Well, that was weird" kind of way. By lunch, he had convinced himself it was some kind of warning—and if not a warning, then certainly something God would punish him for. Surely dreaming about dirty, filthy church sex was cause for smiting. 

It was a good dream though. A really fucking good dream. Whenever he thought about it throughout the day, his cheeks would burn and his groin would get tight and he knew for a fact that he would not survive an afternoon study session alone with Even, so he enlisted help. Reluctant help, but help nevertheless. When Even walked into the library that afternoon, eyes narrowed suspiciously, Sana was sitting at their usual study table next to Isak. 

"Even," Isak started to introduce formally, his voice at least two octaves higher than usual. "This is—" 

"Hi, Sana," Even interrupted with a sigh, dropping his bag onto the floor and plopping into the seat across from Isak unceremoniously. 

"Hi, Even," she replied, and then rounded on Isak. "Is this why you wanted me to study with you? I told you I had work to do." 

Isak looked back and forth between the two of them, sure he must have missed something. "Do you two know each other? Do you have a class together?" 

They answered simultaneously. 

"He's friends with my brother." 

"I'm friends with her brother." 

Isak was left reeling. What? And then he thought back to what Even had told him about his old school—about the friend that he'd kissed—and Isak racked his brain for an image of Sana's brother, sure that he must have met him at some point. Before he could carry himself too far down that rabbit hole, however, Even rolled his eyes and interrupted his thoughts. 

"Not the one I kissed," he said, like he knew exactly what Isak had been thinking. Damn, he was good. 

Sana didn't even blink at that clarification. "Do you actually need my help or did you just want a chaperone?" 

"What? No—I—" Sana raised a judgmental eyebrow and Isak paused, took a breath, and tried again. "No, Sana, I actually need your help. I keep getting confused about the different paths for oxygenated and deoxygenated blood, so if you could explain that, please. To both of us.” 

Sana sighed heavily, but did as asked, pulling out a sheet of paper so that she could draw a diagram of what she was saying. It looked like Even was trying to keep up with her for the first minute or so, but after a while even Isak had a hard time following her because she was talking a mile a minute in monotone, clearly not interested in a word she was saying, just wanting to get it out of her mouth so that she could leave. 

Eventually, Even stopped watching her all together and Isak felt his heavy gaze come to rest on him instead. He tried to ignore him, but he couldn't resist the pull for long. When he finally looked over, Even was staring straight at him, a million questions dancing behind his eyes. And Isak couldn’t handle it. He wasn’t ready for it. Because he _wanted_ in a way that he had never wanted before and it scared the shit out of him. 

“I’ll be right back,” he mumbled and then he was gone, leaving a startled Sana and a pissed off Even in his wake. 

He ended up in the bathroom, hunched over the sink, trying to remember how to breathe. It took a few minutes, but once he calmed down, he splashed water on his face, fully prepared to return to the library, when there was a loud bang and the bathroom door crashed open. 

Even barged into the room, nostrils flaring, and kicked open every single bathroom stall before he was satisfied that they were alone. 

“What the fuck was that?” he cried, throwing his arms into the air as Isak cowered against the sink. “I thought we were making progress here, but it’s like we’re taking one step forward and fifty steps back! We spent all fucking day together Saturday and you seemed fine with it. If that was moving too fast, then I get it, but don’t push me away. I want to be your friend again, Isak, but if you seriously don’t think I can restrain myself for one fucking hour. God, I’m not trying to seduce you! I know I fucked everything up. I’m fine with just being friends. If you don’t want me—" 

Seeing Even all hot and bothered was apparently all it took for Isak's resolve to weaken. He was tired of pretending he didn’t want this. He was tired of overthinking things. It was his life and he was going to live it how he wanted. 

Without warning, he lunged forward and kissed Even hard on the mouth, hoping he could hear the _yes, yes, I want this, I want you_ , without him ever speaking. Even's body was tense when Isak crashed into him, but his muscles relaxed immediately, his arms sliding around Isak, dragging him closer, kissing him back. 

Isak pulled away after a second, just far enough to look into Even's hooded eyes and make sure this was what he wanted too. Even gave him a slight nod and then they were kissing again, only this time it wasn't a reunion kiss, sweet and loving. It was a kiss fueled by two years of unanswered desire, needy and desperate, with no finesse to it at all. 

Even walked him backwards into the cold metal of one of the stall doors and Isak almost tripped as his weight pushed it open. "Shit," he said, first looking down at his feet to make sure he didn’t trip over anything else, and then up at Even—but Even was paying his blunder no attention. Instead, he pushed him all the way into the stall and then shut and locked the door behind them. "Fuck," Isak groaned, leaning back against the wall, because he'd seen that look in Even's eyes before. He knew what was coming next. 

Even's lips found him again, kissing him so hard Isak thought he might bruise. There was a fierce desperation in the kiss, a need to show Isak just how much he was loved—and he felt it, he did, just like he always had with Even. 

Before he even realized what was happening, Even's hands were dancing across the front of his pants, undoing his belt and then his zipper without difficulty, and then pushing them down to his knees. His cock sprang up immediately and Isak tried to remember when the fuck he'd had time to get that hard. 

"You don't have to," he protested, but he was panting and he knew his argument sounded half-hearted. Even fell to his knees and then looked up at Isak, one eyebrow cocked. 

"No?" He asked, his breath ghosting over Isak's dick and making it twitch. 

"No," Isak choked out. "We should probably, you know, like, talk first." 

Even hummed. "What do you want to talk about?" Isak paused, trying to remember, but ended up giving him an exaggerated shrug because fuck if he knew at this point. Even laughed. "Do you want to be with me?" he asked, his voice softening. "For real? Like we should have been all along?" 

Isak swallowed hard. "Yes," he breathed, his voice cracking with emotion on the word. _God, yes_. _That’s all I’ve ever wanted._ He knew in that moment he was giving Even the power to break him; and yet, for some unknown reason, he trusted him not to. 

"Then that's all I need to know." 

Isak expected him to dive right in, but Even took his time, working his way up Isak’s shaft with feather-light kisses before swirling his tongue around the head. His legs were shaking uncontrollably by the time Even swallowed him down. “Fuuuck,” he groaned, banging his head back against the bathroom wall. When he looked down, Even was smirking at him around his cock and Isak quickly looked away, trying to preserve his own sanity. He knew there was no way he’d be able to trick Even into thinking he’d actually managed to build up some stamina in the two years they’d been apart, but maybe he could at least refrain from embarrassing himself completely. 

Even sped up his movements, slurping up and down Isak’s length without any care that they were in a public place where anyone could hear them. There might be someone standing just outside the bathroom even now—or fuck, what if someone was inside the _room_? Shit, Isak hadn’t been paying any attention. Had he heard the door open and just missed it? That train of thought was soon derailed as Even gave a particularly hard suck, gripping him by the back of his thighs to pull him closer, like he could sense Isak’s attention drifting elsewhere. 

“Even,” Isak begged, reaching out to card his fingers through his hair because he needed to touch him or he was going to go crazy. “Please.” He wasn’t quite sure what he was begging for, but it seemed that Even did because as soon as Isak spoke, his right hand, which had been busy fondling Isak’s balls, began to work it’s way around him tentatively, searching. Isak tried to hold off for his touch, he really did, but just the mental image of Even fingering him here, in the school bathroom, had him coming in seconds. Even was able to swallow some of it down, but Isak had taken him by surprise and most of it ended up painted across his lips. Isak had never seen him look more beautiful. 

“Fuck,” he hissed, sliding his bare ass down the dirty wall so that he could collapse to the ground, his knees having finally given out. As soon as he was at Even’s eye level, he lunged towards him once more, kissing his come-stained lips and marveling at how it didn’t really taste all that bad when it was mixed with Even. “Here, let me help you,” he said, breaking the kiss so that he could reach for Even’s pants, but when he finally cupped Even through the fabric, it became clear that there was not much left for him to do. 

Even chuckled against his lips. “I might have gotten a little excited there. Here, hop up for a second. I need to clean this up before I have to take the tram home with a come stain on my pants.” 

Although Isak had done literally nothing to warrant Even coming in his pants, he felt irrationally proud of himself. He climbed off of Even’s lap with a smug smile, pulling his own pants back up as he stood. 

“You’ve gotten better at that,” he noted as Even spooled out a wad of toilet paper to clean himself. 

“At blowjobs?” Even laughed, looking over at him from beneath his eyelashes. Isak nodded. “I don’t know how. The only person I’ve ever given a blowjob to is you. I thought I was out of practice.” 

Isak shrugged. “Well, you’re the only one who’s ever given me a blowjob, so maybe I just forgot how good it feels.” Even smirked over at him and then chucked his tissue in the toilet, buttoning his pants back up and opening the stall door to give them a little more air. Thankfully, the bathroom was still empty. 

“Do you remember what Jonas said about Eva that night we got drunk in the woods behind his house?” Even, who had bent to wash his hands, looked up at Isak in the mirror like he was crazy. 

“No,” he laughed. “I can’t say that I do.” 

“Oh,” Isak muttered, dejected, but then figured he’d just have to say it himself. “I want you to give me blowjobs for the rest of my life.” 

Even stilled his movements and scrunched up his forehead as if he were thinking _surely I didn’t hear that right_ , but then his face broke out in a wide grin. “Yeah?” he asked. Isak nodded. “The rest of your life is a long time, though.” 

Isak shrugged. “Gives you plenty of time to practice, I guess.” The two of them laughed together as they both washed their hands and then, when that was done, they found their way into each other’s arms once more. 

“God, I missed you,” Isak whispered into Even’s neck as he pulled him into a tight hug. Even just held him tighter. They probably stayed like that for a whole minute, swaying to the rhythm of their heartbeats, before Isak pulled away, a thought suddenly occurring to him. 

“Fuck! I completely forgot about Sana. She is going to kill me!” 

“Shame on you, Isak,” Even said, trying to be stern, but unable to keep the ridiculous smile off of his face. “Abandoning your friends to have sex in the school bathroom? The audacity!” Isak felt his cheeks darken at Even’s words, but Even just laughed. “Sana’s gone,” he said and Isak breathed a sigh of relief. “I sent her home as soon as you ran off.” 

“Why though?” Isak asked suspiciously, nuzzling closer to Even until their lips were only centimeters apart. “Were you planning to come in here and seduce me?” 

Even chuckled. “No, if you think back, I specifically came in here to reiterate that I was _not_ trying to seduce you.” 

“You did a really fucking great job of it too.” 

“Shut up,” Even grumbled, rolling his eyes as he too started blushing. 

“Make me.” 

Then, they were kissing again. They kissed for so long that Isak’s dick started to take notice of what was going on, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. At least not until he heard voices on the other side of the bathroom door. The boys sprang apart just as it opened and then quickly excused themselves, laughing as they made their way back to the library to grab their stuff. 

“Want to come back to my place?” Isak asked as they stepped out of the school. Even readily agreed. 

They kept their distance on school grounds, but once they were standing on the crowded tram, Isak cuddled back into Even’s side, resting his head on Even’s shoulder as the older boy played with his hair. It went against every instinct Isak had to show affection like that in public, but it was freeing in a way to look around and see that no one cared. It was a baby step, but it was a step nevertheless. 

* 

They spent the night making out lazily in Isak’s bed, the faded duvet from their childhood wrapped tightly around both of them. They never took it farther, even when the prominence of both of their boners became a nuisance, and instead explored with lips and fingers the plains of a body they hadn’t been able to touch in so long. Isak was surprised at how much he remembered. Like how kissing Even behind the ear caused his hips to jerk forward uncontrollably, or how touching him behind the knee was the fastest way to kill his boner because he was _so_ ticklish and he didn’t find it sexy at all. 

So they explored, planting flags in the form of dark purple bruises to stake their claim. “You’re mine,” Even whispered at one point and Isak nodded desperately. “You’re mine for as long as you’ll have me.” 

“Forever,” Isak corrected. “You’re mine forever.” 

It was hours later before they came up for air, but still they lay tangled together. Isak couldn’t stand the thought of separating for even a minute. 

“Do you remember that picture you drew me?” Isak asked, looking down fondly at where Even was splayed across his chest. “On the day we met?” He felt Even smile against him. 

“Of course I do. Church was the last place I wanted to be that day, but I remember looking up, seeing you, and thinking I was in heaven.” 

“Oh my god,” Isak snorted. 

“I’m serious!” Even laughed. “You looked like a fucking angel. All you were missing was the halo, so I drew you one. Why? Do you still have it?” 

Isak sighed deeply. “I thought I did,” he admitted. “But I seem to have misplaced it.” 

Even shook his head, but he was clearly amused. “Isak, I’m not going to be offended if you tell me you burned everything I ever gave you. You should have. I deserved it.” 

“Maybe I should have,” Isak agreed, “but I didn’t. I’ve been thinking about that picture a lot, so I went to my mom’s yesterday to see if I could find it. I found everything else.” He moved Even off of him so that he could reach under the bed and grab the shoebox that he had stuffed there the night before. Once he was sitting up again, Even stole back his spot in Isak’s lap. Isak pulled open the box and began taking things out one by one: church programs covered in doodles, Pokémon-themed Valentine cards, movie tickets, a rainbow bouncy ball Even had bought him from one of those cheap vending machines. 

“Holy shit, Isak,” Even said, his voice full of awe. He sat up so that he could get a better look at everything. 

“I found everything except that damn picture,” Isak said, gesturing to the items scattered on the bed in front of them. “And it’s pissing me off.” 

Even picked up a stuffed Dalmatian that he’d won Isak at the ring toss during one of the church’s fall festivals and brought it to his nose, like he thought the fabric might still hold the smell of buttery popcorn and hay bales. “I’ll draw you another one,” he said, clutching the puppy close to his chest. “I can’t believe you still have all of this.” 

“I never gave up on you,” Isak shrugged. “I figured we’d get here eventually.” 

Even stared at the stuff strewn across the bed for a little while longer, but as more time passed, his smile began to fade and with it, so did Isak’s unrestrained happiness. “Even?” he prompted, his heart already racing. Even’s gaze flitted to him immediately, as if he were surprised to hear his voice. “What is it?” 

Even sighed. “I have something to tell you,” he admitted sheepishly. “But I’m scared you’re not going to like it.” 

Isak sat up straight, every muscle in his body tensed. _Please don’t break my heart_ , he pleaded to no one. _Not again_. 

“I just…” Even started, looking over at Isak, but he trailed off when he caught sight of his worried green eyes and turned away. “It was stupid—I know it was stupid—but I wanted to get to know you again and I thought you might be more willing to talk to a stranger than, well, me, so…” Isak furrowed his brows in confusion. “Isak, I am Art Vandeley.” 

Isak was so relieved he actually felt dizzy with it. “Oh my god, is that all?” he said, choking out a half-maniacal laugh. “You fucking scared me. I already fucking knew that!” He was so preoccupied with making sure Even knew he wasn’t mad that it took him a second to realize what exactly Even’s confession meant. Yes, Isak had known all along that he was talking to Even, but he hadn’t known that Even knew he was talking to Isak. “Oh my god!” he groaned, his face flushing in delayed embarrassment. “The public bathroom kink! You knew!” 

Even smiled, but quickly tried to hide it. “I would like to reiterate, once again, that I am not the one who started that. I think you might be on to something though. I mean, we’ll have to try it again just to be sure, but—” 

“—and I told you about my fucking sex dream. Holy shit! Okay, now I’m mad at you!” He tried to sound intimidating but he knew his face was still bright red and he couldn’t stop laughing. Even pulled him into his body and Isak buried his flushed face into his shoulder, determined to hide there forever. “I’m so embarrassed, shit. How did you know it was me? Did you, like, recognize my dick or something?” 

Even laughed. “I mean, your dick is definitely memorable, but it was your duvet that tipped me off, actually.” He ran his fingers over the threadbare fabric lovingly and then pulled out his phone, flipping through his photo album until he got to the first dick pic Isak had sent him. And, sure enough, there was the duvet, pushed to the side, but not out of the frame entirely. He hadn’t known when he took that first picture that he was taking it for Even. He’d been more careful after that. 

Isak shook his head in disbelief. “Way to live up to every single gay stereotype out there, Even. You recognized my bedding, but you didn’t recognize _me?_ ” 

“Well,” he said, blushing once more as he pocketed his phone. “I was kinda looking for it.” 

“You were looking for my duvet?” 

“No,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I was looking for _you_. Don’t be mad, but when I left here that first day, Eskild stopped me and said something like ‘I wish _I_ could meet cuties like you on Grindr. Isak’s so lucky.’ So I assumed that, maybe, you were on there. I made a profile. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try.” 

Just when Isak thought the embarrassment couldn’t get any worse… “I’m going to fucking kill him.” 

“Don’t do that,” Even pouted, pulling Isak back against his chest and kissing his forehead. 

“No, I’m going to kill him,” Isak decided. “Dead.” 

Even’s lips moved from his forehead to his cheek to his neck, sending a steady hum of desire throughout Isak’s body. “Maybe I can talk you out of it,” Even offered, latching onto his neck and sucking what was sure to be a massive bruise into the sensitive skin there. Isak moaned in pleasure. 

“I don’t know,” Isak joked. “I’m pretty stubborn. What exactly did you have in mind?” 

Even smiled against his neck. “Whatever you want, baby. Whatever you want.” 

* 

Even left just after midnight with a raging hard-on. For some reason, neither of them wanted to cross the line from heavy petting to other things, at least not that night. They needed some time to get used to everything again. To get used to _each other_ again. Still, Isak didn’t waste an opportunity to jerk off and, when he was done, he sent Even a picture of his come-stained abs, making sure the stuffed Dalmatian he had been playing with earlier was sitting right by his side. 

He slept better that night than he had in years and when he woke up the next morning, there was a text waiting for him. He opened it, expecting a good morning dick pic, but what he got instead was so much better. 

It was a picture of a drawing (and from the look of the early morning light streaming through Even’s windows, it seemed that he had stayed up all night completing it). Isak was in the very center of the picture, his golden curls topped with a glowing halo. That part, at least, was identical to the picture Even had given him seven years before, only there was more detail now. There were so many shades of green in Isak’s eyes that he would recognize them anywhere. Everything was so realistic, so breathtakingly beautiful, that he felt his throat close up. _Is this how he sees me?_

Even was in the picture as well, sitting directly behind Isak, his legs splayed out on either side of him so that he could cradle the boy between them. His chin was resting on Isak’s shoulder and he was looking over at him, his eyes full of love. Despite the halo, the Isak in this new picture wasn’t dressed as an angel. Instead, Picture Isak and Even were both naked, but all you could see of either of them was the bare skin of their collarbones and legs. Everything else was wrapped in the comfort of the blue striped duvet Isak was laying under now. 

The picture was beautiful— _so_ beautiful—but that was not what finally brought a tear to Isak’s eye. Around the edges of the drawing was what looked like a light blue curtain. Isak recognized it immediately: it was their blanket fort. And down in the bottom right hand corner of the drawing, where a signature would usually go, Even had scrawled, _I wish we could have stayed like this forever._


	5. Chapter 5

The next couple of weeks were absolute bliss. Every spare minute Isak had, he spent with Even. It was just like when they were kids except this time, they were sneaking out of class instead of church, and they were making out in bathrooms instead of storage closets. If the bathrooms were occupied, they would move to an empty classroom, or the locker room, or the library—anywhere they could find, really—and when school was over, they would head back to Even’s house or Isak’s apartment and make out some more there. They couldn't keep their hands off of each other. 

Sadly, however, most of the time they had to because Isak still wasn't out. He tried to tell Jonas a million times ( _Jonas_ , who he was 99% sure already _knew_ ), but every time he tried, he chickened out. It wasn't that he was ashamed—in fact, he was so damn happy that he wanted everyone to know—but he _was_ scared. Every time he opened his mouth with "I'm gay" sitting on the tip of his tongue, he flashed back to that night he'd spent with Even under the stars and how everything had gone to hell right then. He just wanted to enjoy Even for a while, without the curious looks and the whispers. Even either didn't mind the secrecy or he was doing a good job of hiding his frustration, but Isak thought it might be the former because he was certainly taking advantage of it whenever he could. 

The day after they got together, Even moved from his spot across from Isak at the lunch table to the seat next to him under the guise of asking a question about biology. When that attracted no unwanted attention, he did the same the next day and the day after that until it was perfectly normal to see them huddled together, ignoring everyone else, and whispering only to each other. 

So, of course, that's when Even decided to test their luck. The five boys were sitting in the cafeteria, listening to Jonas drone on about how pissed he was that Eva kept blowing him off to go to parties with the girls, and Isak was about to nod off from boredom when suddenly Even's hand crossed the space between them and came to rest on the inside of his thigh, so close to his cock that when it immediately took an interest in this new development, it plumped up against Even's hand. 

Isak looked in both directions, making sure no one was watching them, and Even, who had been staring forward, trying to pretend that nothing was off, turned to glare at him. _Seriously_? his face seemed to say. _That's how you want to act inconspicuous?_ So Isak turned back around and tried to listen to Jonas once more. 

"And she's going to another fucking party this weekend," he was saying, "that I'm not invited to! It's not that I don't trust her—I do—it's just—" 

"No, no, I get it," Magnus said, nodding along. "I think Vilde's going to that party too." 

Even's hand slowly began to creep up Isak's thigh to his groin, cupping him through his pants. Isak knew he should be embarrassed—and he was a little bit, he knew his face was flushing—but he didn't push him away. Instead, his thighs opened, almost of their own accord, to give Even easier access. He seemed to take that as permission to stroke Isak through his pants, soft and slow, with just enough pressure to get him aroused, but not enough to get him off. Isak didn't even think about how this was going to end in one of two ways: with him having an orgasm in front of all his friends; or with him walking out of the cafeteria with a very noticeable boner. It didn't matter. As long as Even kept touching him. 

When he got brave enough to chance another glance over at Even, he found that he was smirking. 

"Stop whining," Mahdi was saying when Isak started trying to pay attention again, but it was getting harder to keep his focus. Everything was getting harder. "Let your girls do what they want. That pretty second year friend of Emma's is having another party Saturday. We should go." 

Jonas groaned. "Because that ended so well last time. Isak threw up all night and Even had to leave early to deal with him." 

"I didn't mind," Even said immediately, giving Isak's cock a squeeze beneath the table. Isak gave a tiny jerk of surprise, but no one except Even paid him any attention. 

"Well, fuck Isak!" Magnus cried, but he gave him a fond smile regardless. "I'm sick of dealing with his Emma drama. We’ve tried to help him, but he’s being a baby about it. What about you, Even? You looking for a girl? Because I can totally hook you up." 

"With who?" Jonas argued, throwing his hands in the air. 

"I don't know, but it can't be that hard," Magnus replied. "I mean, look at him." 

Even preened under Magnus's praise. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm good," he said, stroking Isak's cock a little harder, a little more possessive. 

"No, come on!" Magnus argued. "What's your type?" 

"I have a feeling he's into snarky blondes," Jonas smirked, ignoring Isak’s pointed glare. 

"Oh yeah!" Mahdi cried. "Dude, I saw a picture of your ex. She's so hot! Can you hook me up?" 

Even chuckled. "Sure, Mahdi, I'll hook you up." 

Magnus and Mahdi continued talking for several minutes about which girls they wanted to hook Even up with and with every second that passed, Isak got more and more jealous. It didn't matter that Even was sitting right next to him, whispering "don't listen to them" into his ear. It didn't matter that he had his hand on Isak's cock under the table. He was still jealous. 

"Maybe Even doesn't want to hook up with anyone, hm?" He said when he'd finally had enough, swatting Even's hand away from where it was working on his zipper because that was something he just couldn't handle right now. Mahdi and Magnus looked over at him in surprise and Jonas stifled a laugh into his hand. 

"I really don't," Even agreed, beaming. 

"Ugh, fine," Magnus groaned. "You two are no fun. But we're still going to that party." 

The cafeteria began to empty a few minutes later, but Even and Isak stayed where they were. 

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Isak asked when their friends were finally gone, gesturing down to his cock. Even had stopped stroking him, but his hand was still resting on top of Isak's crouch and Isak was still rock hard. 

Even shrugged, finally removing his hand and standing from the table. "There's a bathroom right around the corner. Send me a pic when you're done." 

Isak rolled his eyes, but he did end up waddling into the closest bathroom. And he did send Even a picture when he was done. 

* 

"I just—don't—want to go," Isak argued between kisses. Even had him pressed up against the stacks at the back of the library and he was kissing him with fervor. Isak's mind, however, was elsewhere, so Even finally abandoned his failed conquest of his mouth and moved to kiss his neck instead. "I don't want to go to some stupid party where some stupid girl is going to flirt with me all night. I just want to spend time with you." 

Even pulled off of his neck with a pop. Fuck, that was going to leave a mark. "I'm going to the party though," he pointed out. 

"But you don't have to! Please? I'll give you a blowjob if you just stay home with me." 

Even looked at him doubtfully. "You give me blowjobs anyway. And if your plan is to withhold blowjobs, that's punishing you just as much as it's punishing me. I know you love it." Isak literally stomped his foot in frustration and Even laughed. 

"I'll fuck you then," he offered because he'd wanted to for a while, but Even hadn't mentioned the possibility of penetrative sex since they'd gotten back together. It seemed as good a time as any to bring it up. 

Even raised an eyebrow. "You really want our first time to even tangentially have something to do with Emma? Babe, come on," he said, placing a gentle kiss behind Isak's ear and brushing a stray blonde curl out of his eyes. "It's just a party. We'll go, we'll have fun, and then we'll go home and fuck because we want to. They can't force us to do anything we don't want to do. I know it feels like that sometimes—that you're letting them down by not hooking up with Emma—but I'll be there. We'll stay an hour and then if you want to leave, we will." When Isak just huffed out a frustrated breath, Even rubbed their noses together and kissed his lips gently. "Okay?" 

And when Even was staring down at him like that, his eyes shining with happiness, Isak couldn't say no. "Okay," he agreed, "but you owe me." Orgasms, preferably. 

* 

It was a few days later and Isak and Even were "studying" at Even's place after school. His parents weren't home—wouldn't be for hours, which Isak only knew because Even had told him so in a sing-song voice before he'd pulled him in for a long, slow kiss that had Isak's toes curling in his sneakers. 

They’d soon found their way to Even's bed where they'd been ever since, Isak straddling Even's waist, grinding against him as they kissed. It was leading good places, Isak could tell, but before they could get there, Even tapped him twice on the side of his knee, silently asking him to move. 

"I've got to go to the bathroom," he said, climbing off of the bed as Isak collapsed into his now vacant spot. 

"Or you could stay here and I could take care of that for you," Isak pointed out, gesturing to the front of Even's pants. Even smirked. 

"Thanks for the offer, but I actually do have to go to the bathroom." He disappeared out the door, leaving Isak alone. When he still hadn't come back after a couple minutes, Isak got up and started wandering around the room, trailing his finger along Even's bookshelf and checking to make sure there were no new doodles on his closet door. When he made his way to Even's desk, he flipped open his biology textbook just to have something to do and came to a surprised halt at what he found tucked inside the pages. That's how Even found him. 

"What is this?" Isak asked as soon as he heard Even behind him. He turned, brandishing Even's biology quiz from Friday with only one question marked correct. He'd known they were slacking on the whole studying part of their arrangement, but he'd thought Even only needed his help to get caught up. 

"It's no big deal," Even said, rolling his eyes and collapsing back onto his bed. "I've just gotten a little behind." 

"Because of me?" Isak cried. "What else are you failing?" 

"I'm not failing anything!” he laughed. “I failed one quiz. _One_. And I'll do better this week." He sat up and tried to reel Isak in by the arm, but Isak was having none of it. 

"No, no, no, no, no," he said, slipping out of Even's grasp. "We're studying. For real this time." He tossed Even his textbook and Even caught it with a heavy thud, frowning. 

"Are you serious right now?" he asked. "Isak, I'll study when you leave. I'm not going to be able to concentrate on biology with you sitting right there. Anatomy, maybe, but..." 

"Even," Isak scolded. "Obviously you won't study when I leave since you haven't all week. If you don't want to fucking study, fine, but I'm studying." Without further ado, he pulled his own textbook out of his bag and settled into Even's desk to read through the lesson they'd gone over that day. Even didn't move, just sat there, watching him, clearly unimpressed. Isak clenched his jaw and resumed his reading. 

After almost five minutes, when neither of them had acquiesced to the other’s demands, Isak was ready to employ different tactics. He thought about reading the text aloud and forcing Even to study that way, but then another idea came to his mind and he couldn't shake it no matter how hard he tried. He wondered if Even had noticed him blushing and thought anything of it. 

"Let's play a game," Isak announced, turning away from his book to look Even in the eye. Even's eyebrows furrowed as he considered the offer. 

"What kind of game?" he hedged. "Like Jeopardy?" 

"No," Isak drawled. "Like Strip Studying." 

Even choked out a surprised laugh. "Strip Studying?" 

"Yes, Strip Studying," Isak repeated, pleased to find that he sounded much more confident than he actually felt. "I'll ask you practice questions and for every question you get right, I'll take off an article of clothing. For every question you get wrong, _you_ take off an article of clothing. First one naked loses." 

Even licked his lips like he was salivating at the very thought. Well, that's one way to get people interested in education. "What do I get when I win?" 

Isak rolled his eyes. "You mean besides me standing naked in front of you?" 

Even nodded, his eyes hooded as he looked over at Isak, and it sent a shiver down his spine. "One sex act of the winner's choosing," Isak decided on a whim. He thought it was a safe bet considering that judging by the way Even was looking at him now, the night was going to end the same way no matter who won. 

"What are we waiting for then?" Even grinned, crossing his arms behind his head and laying back on his pillows without a care in the world. "Let's get started." 

Isak started with an easy one. "What is the scientific name for a red blood cell?" 

"Erythrocyte. Next." Isak grumbled out a reply and was just about to ask another question when Even stopped him. "Uh uh. No cheating. Strip." 

For the first time, Isak looked down at what he was wearing. If they'd only started playing sooner, he would be fine, but as it was, he'd already lost his shoes, socks, and jacket to his earlier make out session with Even, leaving him in just a plain white T-shirt, a plaid over-shirt, jeans, and boxers. There was no room for error. He couldn't keep tossing Even easy questions if he wanted to win this. He shrugged out of his plaid, feigning indifference. 

"Okay, smart guy. How many bones are in an adult human’s body?" 

Even pulled himself out of his relaxed pose as he sat up, thinking hard. Isak smirked. He'd stumped him this time. "Like 204? 205?” Even guessed, but he was wrong. 

"206," Isak corrected. "Now strip." Even pulled his sweatshirt over his head and Isak tried not to get distracted by the trail of blonde hair leading into his pants that was exposed as Even raised his arms. 

It continued on in that vein for some time, the two of them fielding questions back and forth, but it soon became obvious that, when properly motivated, Even actually could recall more than Isak would have given him credit for. He pulled so far ahead in the game that it wasn't even a question of who would win, but Even still kept it going, missing questions on purpose so that he could take his own clothes off too. He was teasing Isak, one garment at a time, and Isak loved it. 

After nearly twenty minutes of drooling at Even across the room, Isak was left in only his boxer shorts, his cock straining against the thin fabric in anticipation of what was coming next. This had been a horrible endeavor for many reasons, not the least of which was that Isak _wanted_ to lose by that point. He'd be pissed if he won. He wanted Even to have full control over him, to see his naked body and use it however he saw fit—and he was pretty sure Even knew that, too, because he was back to lounging on the bed, still wearing his jeans and boxers, and he had been deliberating the answer to Isak's last question for so long that Isak had no doubt he knew the right answer. 

"I'm just not sure," Even mused playfully. Liar. "Tendons, maybe." Correct. "But it might also be ligaments.” Incorrect. "I just can't decide." Fucking liar. Even smirked, watching his face carefully, but Isak just cocked an eyebrow, determined not to give anything away. "It's tendons,” Even smirked, knowing he was right. 

"Ding ding ding," Isak said, but there was no amusement in his voice. "We have a winner." 

"You don't look happy," Even noted with a smile. "I thought you'd be proud of me—your little biology protégé." 

Isak rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't go that far." 

"Well I would," Even said excitedly. "Now strip." 

Isak usually wasn't shy about his body, especially not in front of Even, but every time he'd stripped in front of him before, it had been in the middle of sex when his blood was pounding and Even was just as naked as he was. This was something different. This was a show, a spectacle. This was something for Isak to do and Even to watch. He felt his cheeks flush as he twined his fingers through the elastic band of his boxers. But a deal was a deal. 

He thought about doing it fast and getting it over with, but he knew that if he had won, he would want Even to go slow. He would want to be able to enjoy every single inch of skin that he bared for him. So he shimmied out of his boxers ever so slowly, even going so far as to turn around when he pulled the fabric down over his ass, like he’d seen boys do in porn. He was pretty sure he missed sexy by a long shot, but he was hoping he at least ended up somewhere near endearing. 

When he finally turned around, face flaming and cock erect, Even was gaping at him with an open mouth, dragging his eyes shamelessly down his body. The look was so heated that Isak felt it like a touch to his skin. He had to refrain from covering himself with his hands. 

After what felt like at least three minutes of Even just staring, he stood and walked across the room until he was right in front of Isak. 

"So,” Isak said, trying to channel what little confidence he still had. He reached out and pulled Even to him, tangling his fingers in Even’s belt loops, dying to pull his pants off of him. “You won. What do you want as your prize?" 

"You," he said immediately, like he wasn’t ashamed to admit it. “I want you to fuck me.” 

"Oh, thank fuck," Isak sighed, crashing their lips together, but pulling back after only a second just to tease. “I thought you were never going to ask.” 

Even chuckled and slid his hands down the hard lines of Isak’s back to his ass, where he grabbed each cheek and squeezed, causing Isak to moan and sink even further into him. “I thought _you_ were never going to ask,” Even countered. “I’ve been waiting for weeks. I didn’t want to bring it up too soon and scare you off!” 

“You could never scare me off,” Isak corrected, although it _was_ a little scary just how true that statement was. _Just don’t push me away_ , he wanted to add. _And I’ll be here, loving you, forever._

They kissed again and got lost in it for several minutes, the wet sounds echoing off of the walls in the otherwise empty house. It was like everything was magnified, the volume turned up so high it enveloped them completely. God, he wanted this—no, he _needed_ this. He needed to be one with Even again. To know that all the hell they’d gone through hadn’t irreparably damaged anything, that they were still the same boys they had always been and that they still loved each other the same way they had back then. 

He backed Even towards the bed and then pushed him down when they were close enough, breaking the kiss. Even hit the mattress with a dull _thump_. Isak placed a soft kiss on the tops of both of his feet and then began licking up his legs until he finally reached his boxers and began teasing Even with his tongue through the thin fabric, sucking and licking at the outline of his cock. 

“Shit, Isak,” Even murmured, his eyes shut tightly. He spread his legs open farther, inviting Isak in, and he didn’t miss the way Even was shaking, just slightly, like he was already teetering on the edge of the brink. 

Isak sucked harder, savoring the salty sweetness of Even’s pre-come soaking through his boxers, but soon that was not enough for either of them. Isak flung the boxers off and tossed them across the room. 

“You’re sure we have enough time for this?” he asked. Even nodded, but he looked so blissed out that Isak didn’t trust a word he said. He was just lying there so loose and open, so trusting. A surge of emotion shot through Isak’s chest as he stared down at him—as he stared down at the man he could now call _his_. “God, I love you,” he said, and he didn’t care that they had only officially been together for two weeks because, in reality, they had been together for years. Isak had given him his heart in exchange for a crayon drawing of an angel when he was eleven years old. He’d never asked for it back and despite all that they had been through, Even had kept it. He’d kept Isak’s heart safe inside of his, through the good times and the bad, and now it was finally his to keep forever. 

Even smiled so wide it looked like it might hurt and reached out to cup Isak’s cheek in his hand. “Fuck, Isak, I love you too.” 

He kissed him again, slower this time, savoring the taste, and they grinded together on the bed in a tangle of limbs, never quite able to get close enough, to touch enough skin, no matter where their hands roamed. Even’s cock was hard against his stomach when Isak finally found the strength to pull away and focus his attention somewhere other than Even’s lips. 

He used a combination of his long fingers and his mouth to stretch Even open, taking his time to make sure he was comfortable, just as Even had done for him years ago. Even when he begged, even when he pleaded, Isak didn’t speed up. He didn’t rush the process. He wanted everything to be absolutely perfect. And, despite his protests that Isak was just trying to torture him, Isak knew he secretly loved it because he was rocking back onto his fingers and his tongue, his body begging for more, and his cock hadn’t flagged in the slightest. Isak knew he had a thing for rimming, so he tried to make it good. 

After what felt like hours later, when Isak was finally satisfied that Even was prepped and ready, he climbed back up Even’s body and placed a sloppy kiss on his mouth to let him taste himself on Isak’s swollen lips. “You ready for me, baby?” he whispered into Even’s ear and watched as the boy shivered beneath him. Even nodded. “Where are your condoms?” 

Even’s nod quickly turned into a headshake and he thrust his hips up, silently asking Isak to stop stalling. “No condoms,” he argued, but as soon as he’d spoken, he froze his wanton movements and looked up at Isak guiltily. “Shit, sorry, that was—Condoms are in the drawer. Just let me—” He tried to move out from under Isak’s arms, but Isak just grabbed his wrists to hold him in place. 

“Are you clean?” he asked. 

Even swallowed hard, but nodded. “Yeah, I am. I got tested weeks ago, but you shouldn’t trust me on that. I know you’ve never been with anyone else. We should just use—” 

“I do, though,” Isak interrupted. “I trust you with my life.” 

He released Even’s wrists and leaned down to kiss him until some of the nerves that had built in his body dissipated. He waited until Even was relaxed underneath him, until his hands were once again exploring Isak’s body, and then he lined himself up at Even’s entrance, nothing between them but skin, and carefully pushed inside. 

The feeling of being inside Even was, in a word, overwhelming. It was so overwhelming that he had to still his movements and bury his face in Even’s neck to regain some semblance of control over himself. It wasn’t just that it felt good. There was also this undeniable feeling of _fullness_ that came over him. Like being inside of Even had stitched up all of the open wounds on his heart and he was whole again, at least for this one minute. Even held him, his own breath coming in quick pants, and Isak knew that he understood. That he was feeling it too. That, just like on the day when they had first met, what they were feeling now was too big to be contained within one body, so they were sharing it. 

“It’s okay,” Even whispered into his ear, so close that the words felt like they were a part of him. “You can move.” So Isak did. 

His first few strokes were steady and deliberate, but after that he lost control of himself completely because _shit_ , this felt really fucking good. He pulled Even’s hands off of his body and placed them on the mattress instead so that he could lace their fingers together to try to keep himself grounded. His body was trembling, aching for release in less than a minute, but he wasn’t ashamed. 

He remembered having a conversation with Art Vandeley weeks ago about how Even had never bottomed and Isak had never topped. Even though their real first time had taken place in another lifetime, on a blanket beneath the stars, there was some satisfaction in knowing that this was a first too, of sorts. 

“Isak,” Even begged, and Isak knew that he was close too. Despite the fact that his coordination was severely lacking, Isak removed his right hand from Even’s and reached between them to grab Even’s cock, kissing his lips and his cheeks and his eyelids—any part of him that he could reach—trying to show him how loved he was, how precious. With one particularly hard thrust, Even was coming between them, coating Isak’s hand in warm liquid. 

Isak’s hips staggered, but Even just reeled him in closer, until there was no space left between them. “Don’t hold it in,” he said, breathless, so close that his lips touched Isak’s skin as he spoke. “I want to see you come. I want to hear you.” 

Isak fell apart in his arms, not even bothering to stifle the frankly embarrassing sound he made, and as his orgasm exploded out of him, it was like something else did as well because tears filled his eyes. They weren’t bad tears, though. They were tears that spoke of a love so strong his body physically couldn’t hold it anymore. 

“Even,” he cried, pulling out of him gently so that he could curl into his side, never wanting to let go. 

“Isak,” Even agreed, his voice full of awe. “Baby, I love you so much.” 

The thought of separating after that sent Isak into a panic, but Even never asked him to leave, didn’t even ask him to move off of him. After a few hours, they heard Even’s parents return to the house, but still the boys didn’t move—not even when Even’s mom ducked her head into the room to say goodnight. She didn’t act surprised to see Isak and he vaguely wondered if Even had told her he was there. 

So, unlike their actual first time, Isak fell asleep in Even’s arms without a worry in the world. And, when he woke up, Even was still there, holding him tight, kissing his lips, and telling him he loved him. 

* 

The party was just as unbearable as Isak had imagined it would be, probably because he was being forced to sit on a couch right in the thick of things. He had requested that they go outside where it was quieter at least five times, but Magnus and Mahdi were still determined to set Even up with someone and apparently the living room had the best vantage point for ogling eligible females. 

"Liv?" Magnus asked Mahdi (they'd given up asking for Even's input half an hour before), pointing to a pretty brunette standing across the room with a beer in hand. 

"He likes blondes though," Mahdi pointed out. "Right, Even?" 

Even hummed his assent. "With curls, preferably," he added, moving the arm he had resting over Isak's shoulders to his hair and giving it a nice fluff. Isak swatted him away in frustration. Magnus and Mahdi didn't notice, but Jonas smirked. 

"Guys,” Jonas tried for the third time, “If he wanted to hook up with someone, he'd go find them himself. Stop harassing the poor guy." 

"Plus, I'm just not in the mood for a girl tonight," Even added. "Know any nice boys?" 

Isak froze beneath his touch. Had he just—? Did Even just come out to their friends? Just like that? No stress, no premeditation? He looked between Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi in shock, already prepared to grab Even's knee and offer him some comfort when things went to hell—because when you came out, things went to hell. That's what Isak had learned. But he didn't have to. Magnus looked adorably shocked for all of five seconds, but Mahdi and Jonas didn't even blink. 

"Well this changes things," Mahdi said seriously. Isak's stomach dropped and he already had his mouth open to argue when he turned back to Magnus. "Maybe Erik?" 

"Erik?" Magnus cried, like he was offended by the very thought. "Erik!? He can do better that Erik!" 

"Alexander then. I don't know!" 

"I'm pretty sure Alexander is straight," Jonas offered, probably because they had walked past him earlier, eagerly making out with his girlfriend in a secluded corner. 

"I don't think it matters," Magnus said, racking his gaze across Even, who just laughed. "I'm straight and I'd bang him. I mean, Isak, would you sleep with Even if he offered?" 

Isak blinked a few times, trying to make sure he'd heard Magnus correctly, and then he looked up at Even who was smirking down at him, his arm still slung across Isak's shoulder. 

"I'm not sure Even could handle me," he joked, raising his eyebrows in challenge. Behind him, he heard Jonas choke on his beer as the other two boys let out howls of laughter. Even just smiled. 

"I'm not sure I could either," he admitted, playfully pulling Isak into a hug. He probably meant it to be a quick thing, something they could pass off as friendly, but once he was cradled to Even's chest, Isak found that he didn't actually want to move. So he stayed there, with his head resting on Even's shoulder and his arm thrown across his waist, and Even just let him, running his fingers up and down his back like he'd done as they laid in bed together that morning. It felt big, in a way, to be doing this here, in front of everyone, but as the minutes passed and no one said anything, Isak's heart rate returned to normal. 

"I'm going to go get a beer," he said after a little while, pushing himself off of Even. "Want anything?" 

Even shook his head, but Magnus immediately piped up with a request for a beer of his own. Isak scoffed. "I wasn't asking you. Get it yourself." Then he ambled off, making his way across the house and into the kitchen. He had just grabbed two beers (one for him, one for Magnus) when a gratingly familiar voice spoke from behind him. 

"Isak!" And suddenly he was being pulled into a hug that he very much did not want. 

"Oomph," he grunted as Emma crashed into him. He held the beers out from his body to keep her from knocking them to the floor. "Hi, Emma." When she pulled away, he noticed that her eyes were glassy and her cheeks were red—she was already drunk. That didn't fare well for what was coming. She stood up on her tiptoes, clearly going in for a kiss, but Isak turned his head at the last minute and her mouth landed on his cheek instead. She pulled back, looked him in the eyes, and pouted. "Emma," he warned with a bashful smile. 

"Why won't you kiss me?" She asked, drawing the attention of half the room. 

Isak swallowed hard, trying to think of a lie. Why wouldn't he kiss her? Why wouldn't he let her go down on him when she offered? The answer was obvious to him, but she couldn't see it. Still, she was a nice girl. A little eager, maybe, but nice. 

"I'm seeing someone," he said, deciding that some version of the truth would probably work best. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I—" 

"Who?" She asked immediately and, well, maybe Isak hadn't thought this through completely. 

"I'm—Oh, I don't—" 

Suddenly, Even was there, sidling between them. "Is that my beer?" he asked, taking the extra from Isak's hand and popping the cap. He took a long sip before turning and making a good show of pretending he hadn't seen Emma standing there. "Oh, hi. I'm Even." Like they hadn't met before. 

"Hi," Emma replied, squinting her eyes suspiciously. "Emma." 

“Am I interrupting or…” He trailed off, looking between the two of them, but neither replied. “Okay, well, Isak, I’ve got the stuff if you want to go outside.” He lowered his voice at the end of the sentence, like they were sharing secrets, but he still spoke loud enough for Emma to hear. For a second, Isak was truly baffled. Had they planned to get high tonight? The only thing he remembered Even promising him was a blowjob if he could get through the whole party without killing someone. 

Even widened his eyes meaningfully, begging Isak to understand, and finally it clicked. Even was trying to save him. 

God, he loved his boyfriend. 

“Yes!” he cried, finally catching on. “Outside.” Even, who had his back to Emma, closed his eyes, like he was truly appalled at Isak’s inability to lie, but Isak didn’t care that he was being obvious. He just needed an excuse to walk away from this conversation. “Sorry, Emma. We’ll talk later?” 

Before she could respond, Even had grabbed him by the elbow and was leading him towards the back door. 

“Thank you so much,” Isak gushed. He wasn’t quite brave enough to hold Even’s hand, so he held his wrist instead. “How did you know she had me cornered?” 

“She followed you out of the living room,” Even said, shaking his head like he couldn’t even comprehend the stupidity. “I just assumed.” 

Isak’s first instinct was to be flattered, but then his brow furrowed in confusion. “Wait. Were you _watching_ Emma?” 

“Yeah,” Even admitted with no shame whatsoever. “I always watch her when you’re around. God, the way she fucking stares at you. It pisses me off.” 

“Even,” Isak laughed. “I’m very, very gay. You know that, right?” 

They had reached the back door and Even pushed it open, ushering Isak outside onto the patio. There were a few other students hanging about, but there was a chill in the air that kept most sane people inside. “Yeah, but _she’s_ not,” Even argued. “No one gets to look at you like that except me.” 

“You’re jealous!” Isak crowed, delighted. 

Even snorted, looking over at Isak like he didn’t quite understand his surprise. “Of course I’m jealous!” he practically yelled. “I had to watch you make out with her and it nearly killed me. I’ve never been so happy to see someone throw up.” 

Isak scoffed over at him. “You’re one to talk,” he said. “ _I_ had to look at your girlfriend’s nudes.” 

“Ex-girlfriend,” Even corrected automatically, but he was smiling. 

By that point, they had reached the far side of the yard and settled beneath a large tree there. They were so far away from any prying eyes that Isak leaned into Even’s side and laced their fingers together, pulling Even’s hand into his lap to trace patterns on the back of it. 

“I was jealous,” he admitted after a few minutes of silence. Even hummed, silently asking him to elaborate. "When she sent you that picture. That’s why I…well, um…you know.” 

Even gave him a smug smile. “I do know,” he teased. 

Isak felt his cheeks heat up and he knew he should probably stop talking, but his tongue kept going so fast that his brain couldn’t keep up. “I just didn’t want you to touch yourself thinking about her. I wanted you to be thinking about me. Even if you didn’t know it _was_ me.” 

“I did, though,” Even pointed out. “And that was a great picture. We should hang it on our fridge when we get our own place.” 

Isak rolled his eyes and chose to ignore that last part. “Whose did you like better? Mine or hers?” he asked because yes, he _was_ that petty. 

“Oh, hers, definitely,” Even joked and Isak reached out to slap him on the arm, the resounding _smack_ echoing throughout the backyard. “Ow!” Even complained, but he was laughing. “Nah, I’m kidding,” he said, suddenly growing serious. He pulled Isak closer to him so that he could place a gentle kiss on his forehead. “I deleted hers before we even left the library and when I got home, I told her not to send me any more. Yours I would use as my fucking lock screen if it wouldn’t cause me to walk around with a perpetual boner.” 

Isak grinned, feeling strangely proud of himself for winning the “Best Nude” contest against a girl who didn’t even know they were competing. 

Silence fell between them then, but it was comfortable. The kind of comfortable that could only come after knowing someone for years. Isak curled even deeper into his side as a cold gust of wind blew by. 

“I can’t believe you came out to the boys,” Isak mused after several minutes. “Just like that.” 

Even shrugged, causing Isak’s head to bob on his shoulder. “I thought it might help you,” he admitted. “To see that they don’t care.” There was a long pause. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?” 

“I wasn’t sure,” Isak admitted, “but…I mean, they’re my friends for a reason. I know they’re good people.” 

“Do you think you want to tell them?” Even asked, stroking Isak’s hair away from his forehead. 

Isak thought about it and, after a minute, nodded. “But only so I can do this,” he added, grinning, and pulled Even in for a long, slow kiss beneath the stars. 

They were so preoccupied with each other that they didn’t notice the flash of a camera in the distance. 

* 

Isak’s world fell apart for the second time on a Monday. 

The irony of it was that Isak walked into school feeling great, already on a high from the blowjob Even had given him in the shower that morning. They’d talked about things over the weekend—Isak’s fears and reservations—and he felt good. He felt confident. He felt like he was ready to come out. The boys were planning on going out for lunch and he had decided to tell them over tacos. There was nothing more chill than tacos. 

He had barely reached his locker, however, before he was intercepted by Jonas. “Isak,” he said, his voice deathly serious. Isak, who was halfway through inputting his combination, froze. 

“Jonas,” he repeated, trying to imitate his tone, but Jonas didn’t seem to find it funny. Instead, he scrunched his thick eyebrows in confusion. 

“Are you okay?” he asked incredulously. “You seem okay.” 

“Um…yeah?” Isak chuckled, finally getting his locker open. “Why?” 

Jonas visibly deflated at his blasé attitude. “You don’t know,” he realized. 

“I don’t know what?” Isak asked, now worried, his heart starting to race like his body already knew the secret Jonas was keeping from him. 

“Where’s Even?” Jonas said urgently, looking around the hallways like he might suddenly appear. Isak looked around too, searching for any sign of what was amiss, but nothing felt off. It was just your average Monday. “We need to find him, like, now.” 

“He left an essay at home, so he had to run by his house before school,” Isak said. “What the fuck is going on? Is Even okay?” 

Jonas sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair. That’s when Isak knew something was seriously wrong. Jonas was rattled and Jonas didn’t get rattled. He took everything in stride. _Everything_. If a storm was strong enough to knock Jonas off his feet, it was strong enough to level Isak to the ground. 

“Isak,” he started, using the exact same tone his father had used years earlier when he told Isak his grandmother was dead. Before he could start his explanation, however, he looked over Isak’s shoulder and apparently found something he did not like because his jaw clenched and he looked so angry that Isak wasn’t entirely convinced he wasn’t in some sort of bizarre nightmare. He’d never seen Jonas look like that. And that scared him. 

He looked over his shoulder to see what the hell had set him off, but it was just Emma, shuffling towards them sheepishly, her cheeks bright red and her eyes swollen, as if she’d been crying. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Jonas hissed and Isak had to do a double take to convince himself that it was actually Jonas who had spoken. 

“Jonas!” Isak cried, appalled. What the fuck was going on? 

By that point, Emma had sidled up to the pair of them. “Isak, I am so sorry,” she started, eyes wide. She looked scared and Isak’s head was spinning, trying to fit together a puzzle that he still didn’t have all the pieces to. 

“Get the fuck out of here,” Jonas snapped and Isak just let him, trusting that he, at least, seemed to know what he was talking about. “You’ve done enough.” 

“I didn’t mean to,” Emma begged. She was crying now, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. “I was drunk and stupid and when I saw you two together, I just got so fucking mad, so I took the picture and sent it to Maria. I didn’t think she’d do anything with it, I swear. I just wanted to bitch to someone about the guy I like being gay.” 

Isak’s stomach dropped and his blood ran cold. His vision swam in and out of focus as he tried his hardest to comprehend what Emma had just said. She knew. She knew about him and Even. “What picture?” he asked, his voice cracking on the question. 

Emma winced and Jonas let out a long-suffering sigh, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He unlocked the screen and handed it to Isak. It was opened to Maria’s Instagram account where, sure enough, there was a picture of him and Even from Saturday night, cuddled together underneath the tree they’d used to hide from the world. Isak was practically in Even’s lap in the picture and their lips were pressed tightly together. Beneath the picture, the caption read: _Mr. Steal Your Boyfriend._

There was no mistaking the image for anything close to platonic. Even in a still photo, there was too much passion there. Too much love. Under other circumstances, Isak would have been impressed at just how good they looked together, but as it was, he felt his heart crumble in his chest. It was happening. The moment he’d been dreading since he’d realized it was something he should dread, was finally coming to pass. He didn’t get to walk out of the closet, he was being shoved out. Forcefully. 

“No one knows it’s you though,” Emma interrupted his thoughts. She moved closer to Isak so that she could look at the picture over his shoulder. Isak instantly took a large step in the opposite direction. “See, you can’t see your face,” she continued, trying to point it out to him. And, on second glance, she was right. Even’s face was in the foreground, Isak’s hidden behind his, and the only reason Isak knew it was him was because he had been sitting there under that tree with him, a more than willing participant. “You can only see Even and I’ve already talked to Maria. She won’t say anything.” 

Strangely, Isak was not relieved. He remembered Even talking about being outed against his will at his old school—how horrible it had been—and now it was happening again and it was all Isak’s fault. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” he snapped, his hands shaking with a mixture of fear and anger. “He’s my _boyfriend,_ Emma. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” 

“Isak, I am so, so sorry,” she tried, the tears now flowing faster, but he couldn’t deal with her right now. 

“Get the fuck away from me,” he hissed and she must have somehow inherently understood that he was a second away from punching something because she backed off. He watched her disappear around the corner with clenched teeth. 

“Isak,” Jonas said, drawing his attention back. “Dude, are you alright?” 

No, Isak was not fucking all right. He was about to say that—scream it, actually—when he turned to look at Jonas and saw his face contorted in pain for him and for Even. “No, I’m not all right,” he admitted, the fight leaving him. “I need to find Even. Where’s Even?” 

Jonas shrugged. “I don’t know. Me, Magnus, and Mahdi split up, trying to find the two of you. Hopefully one of them found him and explained what the fuck is happening because—” 

Isak didn’t hear another word Jonas said because at that moment, Even rounded the corner. Magnus was talking animatedly at his side, but it didn’t seem like Even was paying him much attention. Instead, his eyes went straight to Isak’s locker and, when he saw Isak standing there, some of the tension bled out of his shoulders, like all he’d been worried about was finding him and making sure he was safe. Isak rushed to him, leaving his locker ajar, and they met halfway down the hall. They didn’t hug—they were both still too hardwired to avoid PDA for that—but Even reached out and put his hand on Isak’s hip, like he was grounding himself, making sure Isak was still there. 

Isak was trembling under his touch and he felt like he was a second away from breaking down right there in front of everyone, but when he looked up into Even’s bright blue eyes, all he saw was hope. “Isak, it’s going to be okay,” he whispered, a secret just for the two of them. “It’s out there, but we’ll deal with it. We’ll—” 

Isak wanted to trust him, he did, but suddenly all he could hear were whispers. They were coming from every direction, loud like static in his ears. He heard his name, he heard Even’s name, and he knew that if they stayed there, touching in the hallways, people would be able to put two and two together. They hadn’t exactly been subtle over the past few weeks. It was easy to hide when no one was looking, but now that they were… 

Isak’s throat felt like it was closing up and he couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t ready for this. He couldn’t do this. 

“They don’t know it’s me,” he said, more to himself than Even. 

Even blinked down at him, curious. “What?” 

“They don’t know it’s me,” Isak repeated, this time with more conviction. He took a step back, out of Even’s embrace, and tried not to be affected by how Even visibly flinched at the loss of contact. “I’m so sorry, Even,” he said, the tears finally falling from his eyes. “But I can’t do this right now.” 

* 

On the worst day of Isak’s life, Even ran away from him, leaving him terrified and alone. This time, it was Isak who ran, and as he stepped out into the early morning sunlight, he already knew that he had ruined everything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look, the angst made a comeback! (I'm so sorry)


	6. Chapter 6

Isak ignored the buzzing in his pocket as he ran. He ran until his lungs gave out and he collapsed into the grass at a park across town, tears streaming down his face. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why did the thought of coming out scare him so much? 

It was probably an hour later before he was able to pick himself up, but even then he didn't want to be bothered by people. His phone was still buzzing nonstop, so he pulled it out of his pocket and quickly skimmed the notifications. Most of them were from Jonas. None of them were from Even. He turned it off. 

He wandered for a long time, letting the sharp sting of the wind whip his face, thinking about everything that had just happened and simultaneously trying not to think about it at all. 

Isak wasn't an idiot. He could see the similarities between this and what had happened to Even at his old school. He knew he was the Mikael in this scenario—the one who was just as guilty and yet shouldered none of the blame. Only this time, it wasn't just two boys messing around. It was Isak kissing the love of his life and he wasn't even brave enough to admit it. 

Deep in his heart, he knew—had always known—that his reluctance to come out stemmed largely from his relationship with his mother. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make himself not care about what she thought of him. It didn't matter that they had barely talked in two years. It didn't matter that she was actually, clinically insane. He was still a child and she was still his mom and he needed to know that no matter what, she would still be there, loving him. That she didn't blame her mental illness on him. That she didn't see it as a punishment for his sexuality. Because he did—and it was crippling. 

It was early afternoon when he finally made his way back to the apartment. He expected it to be empty, knowing that Eskild had a late class, but to his surprise, Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi were waiting for him in the living room when he got there. Isak froze just inside the door. 

"Eskild let us in," Jonas explained sheepishly, standing from his spot on the couch like he was scared Isak might bolt. "Are you okay?" 

Isak forced his gaze away from him and looked down at Mahdi and Magnus, who were sitting on the floor around the coffee table, both looking more subdued than he'd ever seen them. He wasn't quite sure how to answer that question, so he just grunted and made his way towards the fridge instead, the boys trailing along behind him. He wanted to grab a beer—he really, really did—but he didn't deserve the small relief that would provide, so he grabbed a water instead and gulped the whole thing down before turning back to his friends, who were watching him worriedly. 

"How's Even?" He asked, because that was all that mattered to him. He watched as Magnus shuffled his feet nervously and Mahdi looked towards Jonas, who was their unofficial spokesperson, apparently. 

"We made sure he was okay before we left," Jonas said and Isak breathed a sigh of relief. At least someone was watching out for him. "I'm pretty sure he was heading home." 

"Honestly, he didn't seem that bothered by the picture thing," Magnus added. "I caught him before he even walked into school and he didn't care about that. All he cared about was finding you." 

A knot formed in Isak's throat, but he was determined not to start crying again. Not until he was alone. It was clear, however, from the looks on the boys' faces that they knew how much pain he was in, but none of them reached out to comfort him, knowing it would push him over the edge. 

"How long have you guys known?" He asked when he felt strong enough to speak. "About me and Even?" 

Magnus scoffed. "Oh, I don't know," he said sarcastically. "I think I figured it out around the time you started giving each other handjobs in the cafeteria." 

Fuck. Now he was sad _and_ embarrassed. 

"Seriously, dude," Mahdi smirked. "You're not slick. You act like a completely different person when he's around. You're actually nice!" 

For the first time in hours, Isak smiled. He'd had a whole speech planned out for them, but this worked too. And the fact that they'd known for days—weeks, even—but hadn't treated him any different, it calmed some of his nerves that were still vibrating at lightning speed. 

"What about you?" He asked Jonas because he'd been curious for a while. "When did you figure it out?" 

Jonas raised an eyebrow, like he couldn't even believe Isak had asked him that question. "I knew you were in love with Even on the first day I met you," he said, smiling fondly, and Isak felt his breath catch. He had known even back then? And still chose to be friends with him? To invite him to sleepovers where they shared a bed? To change in front of him in gym class? "He was all you could talk about! And when I mentioned how pretty some of the girls were, you literally scrunched your nose up in disgust. Like the very thought of touching one of them repulsed you." Unbidden, Isak made that same face now, the thought of touching someone who wasn't Even turning him off. 

Magnus exclaimed in delight at Isak's reaction while Jonas just gestured to him. "See what I mean." 

"You're not slick," Mahdi repeated, shaking his head like he was disappointed. 

"Which is why," Jonas continued, some of the solemnity leaking back into the room. "I don't understand what the fuck you're doing." He was frowning now, looking at Isak like he was disappointed in him, and if Isak thought he couldn't feel any worse, he was wrong. He pushed past Magnus so that he could sit down at the kitchen table, unsurprised when Jonas took the seat next to him a second later and just kept talking. "You were all over each other at the party on Saturday," he said, voice low. He ducked his head to force Isak to look him in the eyes. "If people were going to talk, they would have done it then. Why is this different? Why does saying the words bother you so much?" 

Magnus and Mahdi joined them at the table, watching Isak carefully. "I've never seen two people more in love," Magnus offered. "It's ridiculously adorable, actually. One day in biology, I just mentioned you offhand and Even smiled so wide I thought I was going to have to slap it off his face." 

Mahdi nodded in agreement. "Before I knew that the two of you were a thing, I was talking to Magnus and Even about you and Emma and he grilled me for like ten minutes about her. What's her deal? Does Isak like her? Have they hooked up? I thought he was just trying to be a bro and help you out," he snorted. "I was wrong." 

They waited, expecting Isak to say something, but it felt like his tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth. 

After a very pregnant pause, Jonas spoke again. "I just want to hear you say it," he said. "Even if it's just to us. We know and we don't give a shit. You know that right?" Isak forced himself to nod because he did know that. "I want you to be happy, Isak, and Even makes you so goddamn happy it's embarrassing. Don't keep hurting yourself like this. Don't hurt _him_ like this." 

Isak looked between his three friends, his heart overflowing with emotion. The words were on the tip of his tongue, just like they had been so many times before. His heart was racing, his hands were shaking under the table, and he just knew he couldn't do it. But then Jonas reached out and grabbed his hand, transferring some of his unshakeable calm to Isak and, with that, he found the last bit of strength that he needed. 

"I'm gay," he whispered, and then he waited for the fallout. 

Except it didn't come. There were no earthquakes, no lightning fell from the heavens to smite him, and, as far as he could tell, none of his friends were on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Instead, the three of them sat there beaming, nodding their heads encouragingly like a parent to a small child that had just taken its first step. 

Relief flowed through Isak like a baptism, washing him clean, and suddenly he was laughing. It bubbled out of him without permission. There wasn't anything particularly funny about the situation he'd gotten himself into, but the fact that he had waited so long to say those words to someone who was not Even and then there was just...nothing? It was funny, in an ironic kind of way. 

"Are you okay?" Mahdi chuckled after a minute and Isak just nodded. Yeah, he was going to be okay. 

* 

The boys didn't stay much longer, seeming to sense that while Isak was grateful for their little intervention, he wasn't actually in the mood for company. 

"Call Even," Jonas said, hanging back as the other boys stepped out of the apartment. "He's probably freaking the fuck out right now. I know you're still confused, but try to figure your shit out—and soon—because I don't think I can go through the post-Even heartbreak with you. Not again." 

Isak sighed, his heart heavy, but eventually he nodded. “I’ll call,” he promised when Jonas just stood there, waiting for confirmation. 

“Good,” he said, reaching out to squeeze Isak’s shoulder in goodbye. “You can call me too, if you need me.” 

Isak rolled his eyes, but the next words out of his mouth were the most genuine he’d uttered all day. “Thank you.” 

Jonas smiled. “Call me,” he reminded him, and then he was gone, leaving Isak in an empty apartment. 

He quickly cleaned up the mess the boys had made in the kitchen and then hid in his bedroom, the door firmly locked behind him to ensure that Eskild couldn’t barge in once he got home. His lights were off and the room was dark, the sun completely blocked by his blackout curtains, but he didn’t bother to flip a switch. He felt a little dark inside too. It only made sense that his room would match. 

He collapsed onto his bed face first and buried his nose in the pillow that Even had slept on the night before. It still smelled like him and Isak hoped his scent had permeated into the fabric and would stay there for a while because he didn’t know how long it would be before he saw him again. What if he hated him now? What if he didn’t want to be with some scared closet case? He’d worked through his own demons and now Isak felt like he was dragging him back into hell. It wasn’t fair, not to either of them. 

Before he could change his mind, he pulled out his cellphone and dialed Even’s number, thinking back to another conversation they’d had on the phone years before, when Isak had told him he was not alone. What a liar he was. 

Even answered after the first ring. “Hello?” He sounded hesitant, like he hadn’t expected the call and now that it had come, he didn’t quite know what to do with it. Isak hated that he couldn’t see him, couldn’t decode the familiar expressions on his face, couldn’t touch him to try to convey even without words just how fucking sorry he was. 

“Hey,” Isak breathed and then waited, hoping maybe Even would say something before he had to, but the older boy stayed silent. “Listen, Even, I am so fucking sorry,” Isak said, and once he started, the guilt just poured out of him. “I freaked out. The one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do in this relationship was run and I freakin’ ran. I am so sorry.” 

Even was quiet for so long that Isak almost started apologizing again. Finally, however, he spoke, but his words didn’t settle Isak in the slightest. “At least you called to explain,” he said and he sounded so sad that Isak wanted to run across town to him, to hold him in his arms and make this right. “That’s more than you can say about me.” 

Isak’s heart clenched in his chest at the sound of Even’s voice, speaking a slow monotone that he had never heard him use before. “Even,” he sighed, caressing his name on his tongue, hoping Even could hear in his words just how much he loved him. “That’s not how this works, okay? This isn’t a competition. I forgave you for that. It’s over—done with. You get to be mad at me if you want. I made a dumb mistake. I hurt you.” 

The line fell silent again and Isak busied himself by listening to Even’s breathing. “Isak, I’m not mad at you, okay? I’m just…sad.” Isak’s stomach flipped painfully. “You know I don’t give a shit if you come out or not, right? That’s something you have to figure out for yourself and do in your own time—or never do at all—and I thought I was okay with that, I did, but I didn’t realize that me being out and you not being out would mean that you couldn’t stand with me when something like this happens.” 

Even’s breath hitched on the other line and when he spoke again, it was through tears. “Shit, I’m sorry, I just—Isak, this is exactly what happened to me last year and it hurt, having to face that alone again. Look, I love you more than life itself, but my head is a scary place right now and I can’t go back in the closet, I just can’t. It almost killed me last time. Literally. You were on the receiving end of that phone call. I want to be with you, but I don’t want to hide who I am.” 

“I know,” Isak said, his own voice scratchy from the force it was taking to stop himself from crying. “I don't want you to either— _I_ don't want to either. I know I have to figure my own shit out to make this work.” 

Even sighed heavily on the other line, like there was more he wanted to say, but he just couldn’t bring himself to say it. “Are you okay?” he asked after a minute. “When Magnus told me they had a picture of us, I flipped. I thought you were about to be outed like I was and I didn’t want that for you. I’m glad you weren’t in the picture.” 

“I’m okay,” Isak admitted. “Or I am now. The boys came over and talked me down a bit.” 

Even chuckled. “They’re good at that. You have good friends.” 

“ _We,_ ” Isak corrected. “ _We_ have good friends.” There wasn’t anything left that Isak could say to make things better, but he didn’t want to hang up—not when it still felt like there was a shard of glass rammed into his heart. “I came out to them today,” he admitted, his fingers playing with the hem of his sweatshirt nervously. 

“Yeah?” Even asked and this time Isak could hear the smile in his voice. It made him smile as well. 

“Yeah.” 

“How’d they take it?” 

Isak gave an indignant huff. “Well, apparently they already knew.” 

“No!” Even cried, but he didn’t seem surprised. Isak rolled his eyes, even though he knew Even couldn’t see him. 

“Yeah, apparently I’m too nice when I’m around you.” 

“They should have seen you last night,” Even quipped. “You were being a very bad boy last night.” 

“Oh my god,” Isak groaned, his face flaming red. Even chuckled. 

“No, but seriously,” Even said, sobering a bit. “I’m really fucking proud of you, Isak. That’s amazing. I know after everything that happened with us, coming out isn’t easy for you. I’m not trying to pressure you. I just want—” 

“You just want us to be together,” Isak finished his sentence. “For real.” He wracked his brain for the name of one of those couples from the romantic movies Even liked, but he couldn’t think of any. “Like Romeo and Juliet,” he improvised and he could almost hear Even cringing through the phone. 

“Maybe not exactly like Romeo and Juliet,” he corrected. And, yeah, he had a point there. 

Almost a minute went by without a word, but Isak took some solace in the silence. At least he knew Even wasn’t trying to get rid of him because if he was, he would have hung up by then. “What about you?” he eventually asked, kicking himself for not asking sooner. “Are you okay?” 

He could almost hear Even shrug. “I’m fine,” he said. “I’ve done this before. Everyone who’s tried to contact me has either been supportive or pissed off because they think I helped some guy cheat on his girlfriend.” Isak thought back to Maria’s caption: _Mr. Steal Your Boyfriend_. Fuck Maria, seriously. “The kissing a guy part doesn’t seem to be the problem.” 

Well that, at least, was good news. “I’m going to fix this,” Isak promised. “I’m going to fix _us_.” 

Even hummed from the other line, like he wasn’t quite sure he believed him. “Okay. But don’t take too long.” 

* 

Isak, once again, skipped school the next day, not because he was scared, although that was certainly a part of it, but because he had something he needed to do before he could find his peace with Even. 

His mom wasn’t home when he got there, but he wasn’t expecting her to be. He let himself in and waited, passing the time by wandering from room to room, tracing his fingertips over the furniture and along the walls, searching for the happy memories buried beneath all of the bad ones. 

Eventually, he found himself in his mother’s bedroom. He had never spent much time in there, even as a child. It always felt off limits, although his parents never explicitly said so. The first thing he noticed was the sunlight streaming through the windows, making everything seem bright and cheery. When Isak pictured this room in his head, it was always dark, but he wasn’t quite sure if that’s actually how it had looked when he lived there or if he was just superimposing the darkness his father had brought into his life onto the room where he had spent most of his time. He also noticed that the bed had been made, almost meticulously so, and he once again realized that his mom must be doing well. She was cleaning, she was working a steady job. At least if he had to have this conversation, he could do it when she was in her right mind. 

He wasn’t quite sure why, but he crossed to the far side of the room and sat down on what he remembered was his mother’s side of the bed. It was the side nearest the window and he stared out of it for a long time, watching the leaves flutter in the tree just outside with every gust of wind. He remembered climbing that tree with Even once when they were younger. He’d almost made it to the top too, before he fell. He got six stitches in his arm that day, but he didn’t remember the pain. All he remembered was Even holding his hand as they sat in the emergency room. 

It was only when he turned his gaze to the bedside table, trying to check the time, that he saw it. Even’s drawing—the one Isak had been looking for for weeks, the one that he had come to see as some sort of cosmic sign that he and Even were meant to be together—was sitting framed on his mother’s bedside table, nestled between her alarm clock and the Bible. The rendering was a bit cruder than Isak remembered, a bit more juvenile, but he could see now what he couldn’t see back then: the angel in the picture was definitely him. 

Seeing the picture alone would have been enough to shake Isak to his core, but what he found even more startling was the photo tucked into the corner of the frame. It was a Polaroid, yellowing with age, but you could still make out the picture clearly. In it, Isak and Even were standing next to each other, Isak’s arm snaked around Even’s waist and Even’s thrown over his shoulder. Isak was laughing at some joke his mom had made to get him to smile and Even was looking over at him with so much love and devotion in his gaze that it was jarring. They were only eleven. 

Isak remembered because he remembered everything when it came to Even. It had been so hot outside that day that his mom had set up the sprinkler in the backyard for them to run through. By the time she grabbed her camera, they were already soaking wet and coated in grass. That was the first time Isak ever saw Even without a shirt on. That was the day he accepted that his feelings for him were more than platonic. That was the day Isak came out to himself and here it was, immortalized forever, sitting on his mother’s bedside table. 

Then, before he even realized what was happening, he was crying. Because she knew. She had always known. There was no way she could fall asleep every night, staring at that picture, and not know that her son was gay. There just wasn’t. 

He was still crying when he heard his mother walk into the room, but he didn’t even bother trying to stop the tears. She hadn’t seen him in two years, but there was no hesitation as she ran to him, cradled him tightly to her chest, and murmured over and over, “My boy, my sweet baby boy. Shh. Everything’s going to be all right.” When he’d thought about their reunion over the years, he always imagined he would be distant, withdrawn. Instead, he clung to her desperately, silently begging her not to let go—and she didn’t, not for a long time. She let Isak cry himself out, still whispering reassurances in his ear and running her fingers through his curls, scratching his scalp every now and then like she had when he was a boy. 

Finally, when the tears had subsided, Isak sat up, feeling drained, but no longer empty. He wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his sweatshirt and then turned to his mom, really looking at her for the first time. She looked healthy. The last time he’d seen her, she had withered away to almost nothing, but there was some meat back on her bones now and her eyes were bright, present. She had never looked more like his mom. 

“Mamma,” he said, his voice breaking as he pulled her back into a hug. If he’d had any tears left, he might have started crying again, but as it was, his body had nothing left to give. 

“What are you doing here, baby?” she asked as he pulled away again, but he let her hold his hands in hers so they could stay connected in some way. 

Isak shrugged helplessly. “I just wanted to see you,” he said. Then, looking to the side, he caught sight of Even’s drawing once more. “But I got a little distracted.” His mom hummed and pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes. 

“By the picture?” she asked. 

Isak nodded absently. “Why did you frame it? Why is it in here?” 

Marianne smiled and reached out to grab the picture frame, running her hands over the glass lovingly, first stroking the face of the angel, and then the photograph in the corner. “Because you’re my guardian angel,” she said simply, and then, before Isak could ask, “And he’s yours.” 

Isak swallowed hard and then looked back at the picture in her hands, knowing that it was time. He’d dreaded this moment since he was eleven years old, but when it finally came time for it, he found that he was ready. His heart wasn’t racing, his hands weren’t shaking, he wasn’t sweating. He was eerily calm. Confident, even. An almost supernatural peace had settled over him and he just _knew_ this was exactly where he was supposed to be. Every bad thing in his life had been leading him to this moment, this confession, and maybe that made it all worth it. 

“I love him,” he said simply, placing his hand over hers as she traced the outline of Even’s face. “I love him so much, Mamma.” 

She huffed out a small laugh and took Isak’s hand in hers. “Let me tell you a secret,” she said. “I can’t explain how I know—you’ll understand it one day when the two of you have kids of your own—but I just know, for an absolute fact, that he loves you too." She looked over at him with a knowing smile. "But you already know that, don’t you?” 

Isak sighed. “I think I might have screwed it up.” 

“No,” Marianne said immediately, shaking her head. “The fact that you’re here—the fact that you care about him enough to come here, to tell me this—you haven’t screwed up anything. It’s going to take a lot more than one fight to push him away.” Isak prayed that she was right. 

He ended up staying for dinner and although the conversation was stilted and awkward at times, the food more than made up for it—which might have been her angle all along because she asked if he wanted to make it a weekly thing over dessert and his taste buds would not let him say no. 

As he was pulling his jacket on at the front door a little while later, his mom suddenly ran from the room. “Hold on just a minute!” she cried. When she came back, she was holding the framed picture. “Here. It’s yours. You should have it.” 

“No, Mamma,” he said, smiling down at the picture. He couldn’t even fathom taking away something that had brought her so much comfort for so long. “You keep it. I have the real thing.” 

* 

When Isak left his mom’s house, he felt like a whole new person. The burden he’d been carrying on his shoulders for years was suddenly gone. He wasn’t struggling under an invisible weight anymore. If you threw him in the water, he wouldn’t drown. 

He felt completely free for the first time in a long time—probably since those blissful few minutes after Even had first kissed him in that storage closet, before he’d told Isak to keep it a secret—and now that he was free, all he wanted to do was run across town to Even. He wanted to hold him in his arms and kiss everything better. It was more than a desire, even, it was an impulse, like his heart and soul were already waiting for him in Even’s bedroom. It took everything in him to go back to his apartment instead. Going to Even now wouldn't fix anything. He had to wait. 

He’d forgotten, however, just how hard it was for him to fall asleep when his mind was elsewhere and by midnight, he knew he couldn’t go even another minute without talking to Even. He grabbed his phone off his bedside table, one eye closed against the glare, and sent him a text: _I miss you._

The reply was immediate, like Even had been waiting for it. _I miss you too._

It wasn’t much, but it was enough to lull Isak into an uneasy sleep. 

* 

For some unknown reason, Eskild had chosen that morning to test out his new contouring kit in the bathroom, so the hallways were jam-packed when Isak finally made it to school. His already racing heart sped up even more as he stepped through the double doors and he was left wondering just how much stress his body could take before he collapsed from sheer exhaustion. Probably not much, but thankfully, it would all be over soon. One way or another. 

He stormed through the hallways, heading towards Even’s locker, and he was so focused on getting there that he almost ran right into Jonas when he stepped out in front of him. “There you are!” he said, relieved. “I thought you might skip today too.” 

Isak shook his head, more out of frustration than anything else, and stepped around him, determined not to lose his train of thought. He had so many things that he needed to say to Even— _I’m sorry, I love you, I want to be together, I want everyone to know_ —but he knew if he stopped to talk, the perfectly rehearsed speech in his head would get jumbled into something incomprehensible. He hadn’t lost a whole night of sleep for that to happen. 

“Where the fuck are you going?” But he was already gone. 

Isak had just started to worry about what he’d do if Even wasn’t standing at his locker when he saw him, still in the process of emptying his school bag. He stopped in the middle of the hallway, ignoring the grumbles of those who had been walking behind him, and stared. Even wasn’t smiling, but he didn’t seem sad. In fact, he was holding himself more confidently than Isak had seen in a long time. He just seemed _larger_ somehow. He wasn’t shrinking away from the people around him anymore. It was like he _finally_ felt like he belonged and Isak couldn’t be happier that that beautiful, perfect man was his. 

His lips pulled up in a smile and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t mask it. He ran through the bullet points of his speech one more time as he took his last few determined steps forward— _I’m sorry, I love you, I want to be together, I want everyone to know—_ but Even threw him off his game by looking up just a second earlier than he’d been expecting, and all of his well-rehearsed words flew out the window. 

Even smiled and opened his mouth to speak, but without anything left in his head to say, Isak just skipped to the last part of his little plan, grabbed Even by the cheeks, and kissed him full on the mouth as a horde of their classmates tried to shuffle past them in the hallway. For one harrowing second, Isak thought Even was going to push him away, but just as quickly, he relaxed under his touch and kissed him back. It was more teeth than anything because they were both smiling like idiots, but in that kiss Isak found an answer he hadn’t even known he’d been looking for. _This is going to work_ , he thought and, after seven years of knowing each other, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but somehow it still did. 

Isak hadn’t realized Even’s hands were full when he practically assaulted him in front of the whole school, but he heard the sound of a stack of textbooks being dropped to the floor and then Even drew him in closer, deepening the kiss until Isak was light-headed. He ended up with his back pressed against the cold metal of the lockers and his fingers tangled in Even’s hair. He wasn’t sure how long they kissed, there in front of everyone, but when Even finally pulled back, it hadn’t been nearly long enough. Luckily, he didn’t go far. He ran his right hand along Isak’s cheek, like he couldn’t quite believe what was happening, and rested their foreheads against each other. 

“What are you doing?” he asked in awe. 

Isak shrugged and leaned in to place another quick peck on his lips. “Even Bech Næsheim, I’ve been in love with you since I was eleven years old and I’m starting to get impatient as fuck. You’re mine, I’m yours, and I want everyone to know it.” 

Even shook his head, his eyes lit with unrestrained glee, and kissed Isak again. And although there were people all around them—people who might stare or whisper or jeer—in that moment, Isak felt invincible. 

**_______________**

**Six Months Later**

**_______________**

Isak was late and it was all Sana’s fault. Even though it was his and Even’s six-month anniversary and they had _plans_ , damn it—great plans that involved a lot of ridiculously hot sex—when she came to him, practically begging for help studying for their biology exam, he couldn’t say no. Not when she was giving him puppy dog eyes and reminding him of the time he’d forced her to study with them and then left to have sex with Even in the school bathroom. Also, fuck Even for telling her that, seriously. 

Still, he hadn’t thought it would take so long. She’d made him explain every single question on the study guide to her—some more than once—and although he rushed through it while being as thorough as he could, it still took a while. When they finally finished that, he thought for sure he was in the clear, but then she started asking for advice about a boy of all things and he didn’t want to interrupt her to excuse himself (mainly because Sana opening up to anyone wasn’t a behavior he wanted to discourage). But the whole time, all he was thinking was _I’m late._

Eventually, he managed to get away by agreeing to a double date with this Yousef kid—who he had apparently met at Even’s birthday party a few weeks earlier, but couldn’t remember for the life of him. He opened the door to the small apartment him and Even had rented together, his mouth already open to yell out an apology, and froze. 

“What the hell?” he muttered because he had absolutely no idea what he was looking at. 

There were only three rooms in their apartment: the kitchen, the bathroom, and then everything else. The front door opened into the kitchen, which looked untouched, but the entryway into their bedroom/living area was blocked off by a sky blue sheet and Even was nowhere in sight, although the familiar beat of Nas’s _Illmatic_ was blasting from behind the curtain. 

“Even?” he cried, dropping his bag to the ground. “Where are you?” He waited a second, but when there was no response, he pushed the sheet aside and stepped into the other room. His mouth immediately fell open. 

Their furniture had been pushed to the edges of the room—or at least Isak assumed it had because he certainly didn’t see it anywhere—and the inner portion of the room was walled off with various shades of blue sheets. They were attached to the ceiling somehow and hung all the way down to the floor, like a tent of sorts, and the floor beneath his feet was littered with every blanket and pillow that they owned. 

Without going anywhere, he had somehow traveled back in time and stepped into another world, a familiar world, a world he hadn’t visited in years. “It’s a blanket fort,” he said stupidly, although “blanket castle” may have been more apt. 

He was so distracted by the room itself that it took him a second to realize Even was standing on the other side, his back to him, lighting candles. He turned in surprise at the sound of his voice. 

“Oh, shit,” he said, finally noticing him. He turned off the music and let the room fall into silence, scratching the back of his neck nervously. “Sana was supposed to text me when you finished.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and then looked back to Isak with a sheepish grin. “Oops. She did.” 

Isak was too stunned to even react to that betrayal. Instead, he walked into the very middle of the room, surprised to find that even standing at full height, the sheet above him did not touch the top of his head. He spun in a circle, eyes raised to the heavens, and watched as the candles cast shadows of the two of them dancing on the ceiling. He was still transfixed by the fabric above him when Even grabbed his waist and drew him in, placing sloppy kisses on both of his cheeks before moving down to his neck. 

“Happy Anniversary, babe,” he grinned. “Do you like it?” 

Did Isak _like_ it? He was getting hard just looking at it. He almost told Even that, but he kissed him instead, hoping he could figure it out for himself. 

They ended up sprawled out on the floor of the apartment, nestled in blankets, grinding against each other so enthusiastically that there was a very real chance of Isak coming in his pants. When he felt himself getting close, however, he stopped Even and pushed him to the side so that he was lying on his back, staring up at the tent above them. 

“Pause for a second?” he asked and Even nodded, his eyebrows furrowed a bit in confusion as he watched Isak. Isak just smiled down at him and placed a playful kiss on his nose before snuggling into his chest. Then, he too stared up at the top of the blanket fort. There was nothing particularly interesting up there and yet he was mesmerized nevertheless. It was like a projector was playing his childhood on repeat on the ceiling above him and he got lost in the memories as he listened to Even’s heart beating steadily under his ear. Even didn’t complain once about being stopped mid-coitus, just stroked his fingers down Isak’s back and kissed the top of head whenever he felt like it. 

It was probably ten minutes later before Isak spoke. “Truth or Dare?” he asked, tilting his head up just in time to catch Even rolling his eyes. 

“Now, Isak,” he joked, “we’re a little old for that, don’t you think?” 

“Shut up,” Isak argued, swatting him playfully. “Truth or Dare?” 

Even gave a very put-upon sigh, but Isak knew he secretly loved it. “Truth,” he finally decided and then started laughing at Isak’s indignant groan. 

“Fuck you!” Isak cried, sitting up to glare down at him. He was smiling though and Even was too. “You’re supposed to pick dare. You never fucking pick what I want. You’re doing this on purpose!” 

Even chuckled, sitting up so that he could face him. “Are you still holding a grudge over a Truth or Dare game we played…” He trailed off, counting back in his head. “Five years ago?” Isak just shrugged because yeah, he kinda was, although Even choosing dare back then had admittedly turned out pretty damn good for him. “Fine,” Even acquiesced. “Dare, then.” 

Isak smirked. “Kiss me like you mean it.” 

And he did. Even kissed him so hard that it knocked him back into the pile of blankets and he didn’t even allow Isak to catch his breath before he was climbing on top of him, licking into his mouth with a hunger Isak hadn’t seen from him before. 

They undressed each other with no finesse at all—Isak heard his boxers rip as Even practically tore them off of him, but he didn’t care—desperate to be touching skin on skin, with nothing left between them. Fuck clothes. They didn’t fucking need them anyway. 

Thankfully, Even had remembered to grab the lube before quarantining their bedside table outside of the blanket fort and he slathered a generous portion onto his fingers before reaching for Isak’s rim. Isak hissed when they breached him, the liquid still a bit too cold for comfort, but he quickly relaxed into the touch. Even had become quite adept at fingering him just enough to keep him hard and wanting, but not too much that he blew at the first brush of Even’s cock against his prostate. It was a talent, truly. The subtle art of fingering was still largely lost on Isak, although Even insisted that he was doing just fine without any advanced training. Isak _had_ made him come once from his fingers alone and even though it was a complete accident, he counted it as a win. 

When Even finally removed his fingers and started kissing bruises into Isak’s neck, he knew it was time to take things into his own hands. He gripped Even’s hips tightly between his knees and flipped them so that he was on top. Even looked up at him, startled at the sudden transition for all of a second before he was laughing hysterically. Isak just waggled his eyebrows suggestively because, yes, he really was that strong, thank you for noticing. 

He silenced Even’s laughter with one long, slow, deep kiss that had Even thrusting up into his hip, leaving a wet trail of pre-come in the crevice there. Isak, losing some of his patience as his blood rushed to his cock, broke the kiss and sat back on his haunches, taking Even in hand and guiding him towards his entrance. 

“Happy Anniversary, babe,” he said, repeating Even’s words from earlier as just the tip of his cock breached him. “Let me thank you properly. You just lay there and I’ll do all the work.” 

He sank down the rest of the way onto Even’s cock with a groan, his body already trembling from a mixture of pleasure and exertion, and grounded himself by the feel of Even’s fingers digging into his sides. Once he was seated with Even fully inside of him, he gave a few experimental rolls of his hips and preened at the whine it elicited from Even. 

“Fuck,” the older boy breathed, trailing his hands up Isak’s back to bring him down for a kiss. Isak let him, kissing him wet and dirty, but once he was finished, he grabbed Even’s wrists and held them pinned to the floor. 

“I said just to lay there,” he reminded him and this time when Even groaned, it was out of frustration. Isak kissed him once more, a quick one this time, and then began moving. 

His movements were slow at first as he got used to the stretch, but he was now as intimately familiar with Even’s body as he was his own, so it didn’t take him long to get adjusted.

And there, under the canopy of their childhood, they made love. 

Isak rode him fast, taking control and pinning his hands down the whole time because he knew that was the way Even liked it. It wasn’t until Even was writhing beneath him, the way he did when he was on the verge of an orgasm, that he asked permission to touch him. Isak granted it immediately, releasing his hands and allowing them to wander his sweat-slick body, mainly because he was dying to touch as well. He braced his hands on Even’s chest to steady his movements and leaned down, kissing him hard on the mouth before trailing his lips down to his neck, then his shoulder, then his collarbone. 

“Fuck, Isak,” Even said as Isak bit at the sensitive skin in the juncture between his neck and his shoulder. His hips gave a hard thrust upward, causing Isak to moan. “Are you close?” Isak had been close for ages, just waiting on Even to give him a sign that he was too. He nodded, nuzzling his cold nose against Even’s cheek. “Good,” Even said with a worrying smirk. He wrapped his arms tightly around Isak and flipped them once more, their bodies still intimately connected. And fuck, that was a new angle, shit. 

He let out a prolonged groan, expecting his orgasm to hit from shock value alone, but it didn’t happen. Still, his vision clouded over with lust until all he could see were Even’s blue eyes. “My turn,” Even said, thrusting into him at a punishing pace, every thrust releasing a sound like a slap into their quiet sanctuary. A mounting pressure began building in Isak’s groin and he was positive he was going to go mad with it until finally, Even reached between them and wrapped his hand around his cock. He came with a shout, come coating his stomach as his fingernails scratched down Even’s back, trying to find some purchase to keep him tethered to the ground as his orgasm made him want to soar above it. 

Isak worried, as his wits came back to him, that the scratching might have been a bit too rough, but when he looked into Even’s eyes they were black with desire and he only began thrusting faster, desperately seeking his own release. He found it seconds later, burying his head into Isak’s shoulder as he came, and Isak held him through it. 

“God, you’re beautiful,” Isak whispered into his ear. “So perfect, holy shit.” 

He would have gladly stayed there all night with Even still buried inside of him, but Even, it seemed, had other plans. Looking more excited than Isak had seen him in quite a while, he separated them and then crawled down to the bottom of the pallet where he spread Isak’s legs apart and just waited. Isak, slightly confused, raised himself up on his elbows to watch what was happening. He shouldn’t have been surprised that as soon as he felt Even’s seed start to leak out of him, Even’s face lit up. What he most definitely _was_ surprised about was Even’s mouth closing around his hole, his tongue slipping inside of him to lick up every last drop. 

“Fucking shit, Even,” Isak hissed, his fingers tangling in the blankets beneath him. 

Once Even finished with that, he licked up Isak’s body, cleaning him of his own come, and then just kept crawling upwards until his lips were hovering centimeters above him, silently asking for a kiss to share the taste of the two of them on his tongue. Isak pulled him down and kissed him fiercely. He was hard again by the time they broke apart, but Even had left him more than satisfied and he didn’t mind waiting for round two. 

Even crashed back onto the blanket next to Isak and Isak pulled him close so that Even was laying on _his_ chest this time. Both of them turned to look at the sheet still hanging above them. Isak was pleased it had lasted this time—that it hadn’t come crashing down around them. 

“You know,” Even said after a while. “When I first met you, I never dreamed I would be this lucky. I never thought I would get the chance to do this.” 

“To do what?” Isak joked because he was a little shit and Even had set the joke up for him a little too well. “Eat your own come out of my ass?” 

Even snorted, but then looked up at Isak with a face of feigned disappointment. “No,” he corrected emphatically. “To do _this_.” He gestured around their blanket fort. “To make love to you in a home we created together. To talk about our future like it’s a guarantee, not a distant possibility. To hold your hand in public and kiss you whenever the fuck I want. I never thought it would be possible.” 

“Yeah,” Isak sighed. “I know what you mean. But in some ways, I feel like this was inevitable—not in a bad way, but in, like, a meant-to-be-type way.” 

“You think we’re meant to be?” Even grinned. Isak thought he probably should be embarrassed at saying something so sappy, but what he wanted to say next was even sappier, so he didn’t bother. 

“On the first day we met, I remember thinking you were my soulmate and, seeing us here now, I don’t think I was wrong.” 

Even’s eyes widened marginally and the laugh fell off of his face as he suddenly grew serious. “You felt it too?” Isak’s heart soared. “No matter what happens between us, Isak Valtersen, I need you to know one thing: you _are_ the love of my life. There was no one before you, there was no one after you, and there will never be anyone ever again who makes me feel even half of what I feel for you. This is a once-in-a-lifetime love and I am never letting you go.” 

“Good,” Isak agreed, pulling him in for a kiss, “because I’m not letting you go either.” 

They stayed there for the rest of the night, wrapped up in their own little world. It felt timeless in a way, their blanket fort. Their relationship was completely different now than it had been at thirteen, but in the ways that mattered, it was exactly the same. Even was his best friend, the love of his life, his guardian angel. He had molded his past and was shaping his future. Even now, Isak could see the years spanning before them and, although he was far to young to be thinking of such things, he imagined a little girl with his own green eyes sitting in Even’s lap beneath a blanket fort just like the one they were laying under now, calling for Isak to join them so that they could get lost in the world they had created, all three of them together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck with me to the end of this! I know it was a bit angsty-er than usual, but I really love how it turned out. All of your comments and kudos have made me so happy and I can't thank you enough for each and every one. Hope you liked the ending <3


End file.
